Dear Jake…

It’s Tuesday. There are 371 days until the midterms and ONE WEEK UNTIL 2025 ELECTIONS! Democrats’ self-loathing, here come the lay-offs and the convicted felon doesn’t like being a convicted felon.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Especially when it was up all night watching the World Series.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are ya? Capable of walking in a straight line? Well then you’re definitely not the president of the United States. You’ve probably noticed that the air in America doesn’t smell like rancid farts and stupidity and that’s because Trump is in Asia. Well, he’s there, but we’re not sure he’s all there. Seriously what the fuck is this?

Oh dear. Cankles has gone a-wanderin’. But don’t worry. He followed this up by giving one of his trademark rambling speeches about steam-powered catapults and good-looking people to our troops, so he’s probably fine. Oh but he did admit to taking a dementia test, which seems like kind of a big deal to us. So in today’s opening note we’d like to write a letter to Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson. Here is that letter…

Dear Fuckheads,

Where the hell did you bitches go? You told us presidential health was the most important thing for journalists in D.C. to cover and then you scurried up Trump’s orange ass and disappeared forever. Was it just Joe Biden’s health that was so fucking important to cover? Is that because he and his fans didn’t threaten and scare the shit out of you? Y’all were so goddamn high and mighty and opinionated when you were shitting all over Joe. Why so quiet now, chickenshits? We were gonna write you to ask you to do your fucking jobs, but we changed our minds. Instead we’re just sending this as an invitation to kiss our asses, eat shit and fuck all the way off. Assholes.

Sincerely,

AltMedia.com

Well we feel better, but we’re not sure where to send it. Maybe we should just staple it to Trump’s ass so we know they’ll see it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Big day in Chicago today as Gregory “The Gasser” Bovino is due in court to answer for his illegal assaults on the good people of the Windy City. We doubt it will happen, but we hope he gets the chair. More: NBC News

Note three: As you might expect, Trump is loving Bovino’s thuggish bullshit, and last night he purged ICE leadership for being too gentle. Yes, that is insanely fucked up. More: NBC News

Note four: Thank you to Freddie Freeman of the Los Angeles Dodgers for finally allowing us to get some sleep last night after 18 innings. More: ESPN

Note five: Our troops and their families know when a country club shitstain is lying to them about high prices. We wish the mainstream media did too.

Note six: Cheryl Hines said that she wakes up at 6 a.m. to RFK Jr. making steak and sauerkraut and he asks her to take the sauerkraut into restaurants for him. We have to ask — at what point is this just mental illness? More: HuffPost

Note seven: LOL! Texas is suing Tylenol. We can’t wait to see what crayon evidence they bring to court. More: Texas Tribune

Note eight: Trump is sending DOJ so-called monitors to watch the California election. Gavin Newsom is sending monitors to watch the monitors. Well played, Gavin. More: New Republic

Note nine: Honestly Trump can send the fucking Marines again because even California Republicans know they’ve lost on Prop. 50. More: Politico

Note 10: We are sure loving Brad Lander. We’re not sure Dan Goldman would say the same.

Note 11: We’re sending love to Jamaica. This storm looks like a damn monster. More: NBC News

Note 12: John Dickerson is leaving CBS. We assume he’ll be replaced by Lara Trump. More: USA Today

Note 13: How do we know we’re winning the shutdown? Mike Little Johnson is now declaring that Republicans aren’t in charge. LOL.

Note 14: Man, what in the world is Karine Jean-Pierre thinking? More: Mediaite

Note 15: We have no idea what’s going to happen in the NYC race, but man the racist attacks against Mamdani have been insane. And a lot of them are coming from people who claim to be progressive. More: NBC News

Note 16: How embarrassing is the WaPo’s simping? Even NPR is calling it out. More: NPR

Note 17: Speaking of simping, CNN CEO Mark Thompson went to the White House last week and then he went to CNN and told them to stop talking so much about the demolished East Wing. So if you’re watching the Cowardly News Network, you’re watching Trump-approved news. More: The Hill

Note 18: We fucking love Jasmine Crockett. And we’d very much like to see her and Trump take the same IQ test in front of the whole damn world.

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the world of UFC fighting. It seems that fighter Bryce Mitchell is no longer on the Trump train. Mitchell has gone from saying he’d take a bullet for Trump to declaring him the antichrist. Of course Mitchell also said once that “Hitler was a good guy,” so it’s possible he’s just taken way too many blows to the head.

Note 20: And on that brain-damaged note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week so far. Unless you’re Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson. They can both go suck orange nuts. Love y’all!

Circular firing squad
Sigh. It seems like every week there’s some big damn report released by centrist Democratic strategists telling us that the problem with Democrats is Democrats. And every one of them has the same prescription — be more like Republicans. This week’s report tells us that our party doesn’t talk enough about the economy and spends too much time talking about abortion, LGBTQ rights and climate change. Well guess what — Kamala Harris did all of that shit. All our leaders ever fucking talk about is the economy. Republicans are the ones talking about LGBTQ rights. And why the hell would we support a party that ignores women’s human rights or a dying planet or the LGBTQ people who are actually fighting for their fucking right to exist and have families? We are so damn sick of beltway pussies who think the only way to win is to first surrender. Here’s an idea — stand for something and then fight for it. Crazy, right? More: Semafor

This ain’t good
It’s almost the holiday season, so corporate scumbags have started laying people off. UPS just announced they’re cutting 48,000 jobs, Paramount is cutting 1,000 jobs and Amazon is about to lay off 14,000 people. The combination of AI, tariffs and a dumbfuck president ruining the economy is creating a big damn mess. Thank goodness these companies still have enough money to bribe the president of the United States. Despite Trump’s lies, the economy is not doing well. And while he can hide the jobs reports, he can’t hide Americans’ account balances. More: CNBC

Sad felon
Donald Trump is a sad felon. He really doesn’t like being a felon. But he is very much a felon. And now he’s asking an appeals court to throw out his conviction. Considering how much everything sucks these days, we assume he’ll get what he wants, but we will always know that dirty motherfucker was convicted. Let’s all hope that Alvin Bragg wins again. More: HuffPost

Today’s clips
Consumer confidence weakened slightly in October as Americans remain anxious about their future financial prospects. More: Associated Press

The U.S. military on Monday carried out three strikes on four vessels in the Eastern Pacific Ocean that were allegedly trafficking narcotics, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said Tuesday. More: NBC News

An original manuscript and cover sketch by Theodor Geisel, better known under his pen name Dr. Seuss, will be published by Random House Children’s Books, the company said in an Oct. 28 press release. More: NBC News

Food banks and pantries were already struggling after federal program cuts this year, but now they’re bracing for a tsunami of hungry people if a pause in federal food aid to low-income people kicks in this weekend as the federal government shutdown persists. More: Associated Press

MSNBC host Rachel Maddow slammed parent company Comcast for being among a list of donors to President Donald Trump’s $250 million-plus ballroom in a blistering commentary on the cost of going along with Trump. More: Mediaite