Coups-day

It’s Tuesday. There are 301 days until the midterm elections. Brainworm felcher tries to kill more kids, Mike Little Johnson’s life gets harder and five years since Trump attacked America.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it doesn’t kiss orange ass like Morning Joe.

Note: Well goddamn, Sexy Patriots. 2026? More like twenty-twenty-sucks, right? Surely we can all agree this was not the fresh fucking start to the new year that we all desperately needed. We had really hoped to ease into this year, but someone went and busted open a big ol’ bucket of dumb shit. The president of the United States has completely lost what is left of his tiny, gross mind and is hellbent on another World War while healthcare premiums skyrocket.

Add to that today is the anniversary of the time that same miserable fuck attacked the United States Captiol and we can certainly appreciate it if y’all are feeling a little down in the dumps. Or if you’re so filled with rage or resignation that you’re not real sure how to feel or how to keep fighting. Well, we hear you. That’s the thing about these evil, dumb sonsofbitches — they’re fucking relentless, and it’s fucking exhausting. They want to wear you down. And they’re pretty good at it. They’re not good at governing, humaning, sex or even walking upright. But they know how to make us miserable.

Here at AltMedia, we have to remind ourselves that when you’re going through hell, you should keep going. It’s the only goddamn way out. And make no mistake — this is what hell looks like. Except we doubt the Devil is as dumb, dishonest or as smelling of doodie as Trump is.

So hang in there, SPs. Everything sucks. And the only way to make things not suck, is to fight through a shitload more suckitude. We realize this has not been our best pep talk. So here’s a video of a smiling dog getting a hug. Pretend you’re the dog and we’re that lady. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Who needs some therapy? Yeah, us too. How about today at 3 p.m. ET/Noon PT! You can find us on YouTube here or Substack here then!

Note three: It’s a new month, and that means new elections. The good folks over at Bolts Mag have us covered as always. Please remember to not vote for any assholes or scumbags. We already have enough of those. More: BoltsMag

Note four: It’s medical advice time. We’re not doctors, and we don’t have brainworms or are into felching (we can’t speak for Sam here). But we do know the flu shot is a good thing, and it’s an easy way to not die this winter. More: CNN, NBC News

Note five: This is so goddamn embarrassing. America is now sending out Trump’s lackeys to shake down Nobel Peace Prize winners to hand over their trophies. We’re gonna have to change our name to the United States of Cringe.

Note six: Every country except ours if fuckin furious about Elon Leon’s child porn creating machine. Maybe one of these days the press will ask the president about his disgusting evil buddy. More: Axios

Note seven: Remember the Epstein files? Well they were all supposed to be released by now according to law. But DOJ says they have only started to release them. What the effing fuck is taking so long? Oh right. They’re covering for pedophiles. More: NBC News

Note eight: It’s not all bad news today. Marjorie Taylor Greeen and her three toes are leaving Congress. Bye. More: Associated Press

Note nine: Europe is warning us to leave Greenland the fuck alone. We’re so fucking sorry, Denmark. More: Politico

Note 10: Seriously. Who the hell watches this and wants to be on this creepy little shit’s side? He sounds like a goddamn lunatic. And where the fuck did Tapper hide his nuts? Is he only tough when the subject is 82 years old?

Note 11: RIP to Eva Schloss, a Holocaust survivor and Anne Frank’s stepsister. This wasn’t ancient history. It was all just yesterday, and we’re fucking doing it again. Shame on us. More: NPR

Note 12: How stupid is Trump? He might have accidentally pardoned the pipe bomber. Except unlike Politico, we don’t think it was an accident. More: Politico

Note 13: Kudos to House Democrats and Rep. Robert Garcia on making sure this story — and the survivors — don’t disappear like Trump wants them to…

Note 14: The New York Times and the Washington Post knew Trump was about to commit a crime, and they kept it quiet. As far as we’re concerned, that makes them complicit. More: Associated Press

Note 15: We weren’t gonna piss in your coffee by showing you a Trump clip today, but we want you to see this one. We like the videos where you can see a tiny ray of reality breaking through, and it’s obvious here that asshead knows America hates him and his bullshit.

Note 16: We won’t show you the clip, but fuckhead also spent the morning musing about canceling elections. He can try. But we don’t think he’d like how Americans respond. More: NO LINK ON PURPOSE

Note 17: Love to Venus Williams, who is out there battling at 45! More: NBC News

Note 18: Trump is going to have a rough Thursday. He’s going to be rebuked by a chickenshit Congress and have his vetoes overridden. It ain’t enough, but we will delight in his anger. More: Politico

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to CBJ. We can’t remember the new anchor’s last name, so we’re just gonna call him Blowjob Tony. And Blowjob Tony’s first night did not go smoothly. LOL. Better luck next time, BJ!

Note 20: And on that hilariously incompetent note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there. And if not, we’re sending a big ol’ hug. Love y’all!

RFKidKiller
The anti-vaxxer HHS secretary and his idiot boss are really doing it. They announced yesterday that the CDC has changed its recommended vaccination schedule for children, taking six diseases off the list. And some of these, like RSV, can actually kill children. So it’s not an exaggeration to say that RFk and his scumbag boss are going to kill children. But they don’t care because they are literal goddamn monsters. RFK didn’t even go to Tatiana Schlossberg’s funeral. What a piece of shit. More: HuffPost, People

About that majority
We’re gonna skip the thoughts and prayers and just tell you that a Republican congressman died last night and another one was in a car accident. Between Rep. Doug LaMalfa’s death and MTG leaving, Republicans with an even narrower majority. Right now the number is at 218-213 with two vacancies on both sides. We will pick up another seat on Jan. 31 in a Texas special. The special to fill LaMalfa’s seat will be under new gerrymandered lines. So if Mike Little Johnson seems more nervous than usual today, it’s because his majority is gone. More: Associated Press

This sucks
Y’all know what today is. Today is the anniversary of the day the president of the United States launched a violent coup attempt against the United States, sending an army of scum to attack the U.S. Capitol and prevent a peaceful transfer of power. And that miserable motherfucker got away with it because America lacks brains and self-respect. This morning, some of those scumbags are going to march from the Ellipse to the Capitol just like they did five years ago. Let’s hope they don’t smear their shit on the walls again. Fucking degenerates. More: CSPAN

Today’s clips
Pope Leo XIV on Tuesday closed out the Vatican’s 2025 Holy Year by denouncing today’s consumerist and anti-foreigner sentiment, capping a Jubilee that saw some 33 million pilgrims flock to Rome and a historic transition to the first American pontiff. More: NBC News

Former congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene honored the rioters who stormed the Capitol building on January 6, 2021, in a Tuesday tribute to them. More: Mediaite

Approaching the fifth anniversary of the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the Capitol, the official plaque honoring the police who defended democracy that day is nowhere to be found. More: Associated Press

A preschool teacher in Michigan was arrested on camera just seconds after finishing a television interview in which she criticized US President Donald Trump over the United States’ military operation in Venezuela. More: NDTV

Morning Joe host Joe Scarborough revealed the reply that President Donald Trump gave him when he asked the president about comparisons between his intervention in Venezuela and “America’s failed occupation of Iraq” – telling the host, simply, that this time, “We’re going to keep the oil.” More: Mediaite

The Trump administration on Monday said it had slashed billions in social services funds to a handful of blue states as part of its escalating response to new and unproven fraud allegations in Minnesota. More: HuffPost