Concept of a D’oh

It’s Thursday. There are 285 days until the midterm elections. America kidnaps children, Jack Smith speaks and farewell to the Fourth Amendment.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never tried to make Matt Gaetz the AG.

Note: Well it’s official, Sexy Patriots. We’re all Greenlanders now. Or is it Greenlantheons? Greenies? Whatever it is, it’s us. Why? Well because our VERY impotent small-weenused president surrendered after weeks of big talk. So yeah, we’re not experts in international law, but we’re pretty sure that means Greenland owns us now. And honestly we’re not complaining. We’re even learning how to speak Greenlandish.

What we can’t figure out is why the hell they would want us? We ain’t doing so great these days. Our president is a mean idiot, millions of our fellow Americans think he’s smart and it’s entirely possible Tehran or Topeka are getting nuked depending on just how crazy this sonofabitch really is. And to top it all off, we’ve been invaded by miniature nazis…

Oof. A brutal reminder that cialis can’t solve every problem. If shrinkage was a person, right? He’s like the Grand Wizard of Oz. Except Oz had a tougher voice and never killed an innocent woman and didn’t kidnap or gas Dorothy.

Now we don’t body shame, and we love our short king brethren. But man, you can really see where the rage comes from, can’t you? It’s ok, Greggy! Just stop being a fascist asshole and be a decent person and nobody will care that you’re so tiny. Or just go fuck yourself, you little shit. As for the rest of you, be careful out there. Watch your step. There might be a nazi under your shoe. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you missed yesterday’s therapy session, you can get caught up here! You’ll want to hear Adam crack open the ultimate couch-fucker joke.

Note three: Trump is doing his whole Bored of Peace shit this morning, and frankly we don’t care. We’re so fucking sick of the insulting lies, and this one really takes the cake. More: The Hill

Note four: Oscar nominations came out this morning, and Sinners set a record with 16 noms. This is damn cool to see because we thought that movie wasn’t getting the respect it deserved. Also, DELROY LINDO!!! More: Hollywood Reporter

Note five: ICE shot at someone in Compton yesterday. Compton showed out and showed those ICE scumbags how we do things in America…

Note six: It’s been so weird to realize that we’re on Denmark’s side against our own country. But only because our own country really sucks right now. More: HuffPost

Note seven: An Israeli strike killed a CBS journalist. We’re wondering if the new head of CBS will give a shit. More: Mediaite

Note eight: Y’all this ice storm is gonna be gnarly as hell, so if it’s coming your way, please please be safe. More: AP News

Note nine: The disgusting scum of ICE are now invading Maine, and they’re going with what they’re calling a “Catch of the Day” operation. Normal people think this is appalling. But retiring Democratic Rep. Jared Golden says he’s fine with it. You suck, Jared. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We have seen so much courage from the embattled people of Minneapolis. And then we saw this. Those people in the streets deserve better representation. We all do.

Note 11: It looks like Lisa Cook will get to keep her job. It also looks like Brett Kavanaugh is a piece of shit. But we’re only sure about one of those things. More: Mediaite

Note 12: A private autopsy found that Renee Good was shot in the head. The first two shots did not kill her. The third shot was to her head. This was a cold-blooded murder, and the government is covering it up. More: NBC

Note 13: We will NOT forget…

Note 14: The Florida Bulldog got its hands on the House Ethics Committee’s report on Matt Gaetz,and it turns out he’s a degenerate scumbag. But you already knew that. More: Florida Bulldog

Note 15: How good are the midterms looking? Well we probably picked up another seat yesterday and nobody had to even vote. More: NBC

Note 16: House Democratic leadership is going to vote against the ICE funding bill. But they’re not whipping their members against it. So expect to see some our own people endorsing the horrors that are happening. More: NBC

Note 17: We fucking love Minnesota so fucking much…

Note 18: Remember that super fraud who founded Theranos? Well she’s asking Trump for a pardon. And she’s white, so she’ll probably get it. More: The Guardian

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, it’s BABY DAY!!! We want to send all the love and congratulations to Adam and Ally on the birth of their newest addition today. We now have another reason to fight like hell for the future of this country and this planet. Hugs to Ally!

Note 20: And here’s a bonus Happy Ending of Andy Beshear smacking Trump in Davos. We thought Gavin was the only one there, but Andy went and brought some fire with him.

Note 21: And on those life-affirming notes, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there and not taking out your small-penis rage on innocent people. But we know you wouldn’t do that. Love y’all!

His name is Liam

The photos are devastating. The story is worse. ICE scum used 5-year-old Liam Ramos as bait to grab his dad and then they disappeared them both. Liam was sent to a camp in Texas, and his family didn’t know where he was for 24 hours. And he’s not alone. ICE has detained at least four students from Liam’s school. This country got mad when Trump was doing family separation last time. Do we still have enough of a soul left to condemn this evil shit? And how the fuck is more training funding gonna stop these scumbags?

More: MPR News

Git ‘em, Jack

Finally. Former Special Counsel Jack Smith is testifying today, and you can expect a circus. Jack has the goods on Trump, so you know House Republicans are going to do everything they can to smear and attack him. We’re gonna need strong performances from our people. But mostly we hope the American people listen and learn what a piece of shit criminal the president of the United States is.

More: The Hill

Farewell to the Fourth

This is a truly shocking scoop. An ICE memo obtained by the AP reveals that ICE foot soldiers were told they can kick down the doors of American homes without a judicial warrant. So basically ICE has decided the Fourth Amendment just doesn’t exist anymore. This shit was so obviously illegal that ICE supervisors were showing it to their troops in person to avoid a leak. Those “Don’t Tread On Me” pussies sure were full of shit, weren’t they?

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

The Federal Communications Commission said on Wednesday that daytime and late-night TV talk shows featuring interviews with political candidates must comply with “equal time” rules that give airtime to views of opposing candidates and that the shows cannot rely on a 2006 decision that suggested they were exempt. More: HuffPost

Questioning America’s decades-long commitment to guard them against a nuclear-armed Russia, European nations are looking at ways to bolster their own arsenals rather than continue to rely on the U.S., according to six senior European officials. More: NBC

House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer, R-Ky., said Wednesday that his panel is set to depose Ghislaine Maxwell on Feb. 9 as part of its investigation into the late convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. More: NBC

Attorney General Pam Bondi announced on Thursday that a lawyer who allegedly played a “key role” in organizing a viral church protest in Minnesota has been arrested. More: Mediaite

Investors appeared to have gotten through to President Donald Trump about the risk posed by his designs for Greenland with a message he wasn’t hearing from European leaders: Threatening allies with tariffs and land seizure isn’t exactly the type of policy that generates confidence in the global economy. More: AP News