Chickens everywhere! 🐔🐔🐔
It’s Thursday. There are 523 days until the midterm elections. A pro-kidnapping president, no tariffs for Trump and buh-bye to Elon Leon.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It allows us to tell Elon Musk to fuck off and eat shit.
Note: Sexy Patriots! Christmas came way fucking early this year because Santa gave us a Trump tantrum over being called a chicken and we can’t stop laughing. Yesterday we linked to a story about how Wall Street has started calling Trump’s trade stunts TACO trades. It stands for Trump Always Chickens Out. God that is so fucking funny. Well yesterday he heard about it from a White House reporter and you can feel the rage through your screen…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! If you slow it down, you can see the moment where he lets out a little anger poop in his britches. We fucking love when this stuff breaks through Trump’s stank bubble and we get to see him react to it. But not everyone does. Here now is an interview with a chicken…
Us: Hey chicken!
Chicken: Um I have a name. It’s Tom. And I’m usually a big fan of the newsletter.
Us: Uh oh. What did we do, Tom?
Tom the Chicken: Do you guys have any idea how fucking offensive it is to hear that gutless Putin-pleaser called a chicken? How would you like it if we started calling him a Sam or an Adam?
Us: That would be weird.
Tom: Exactly. Now if you want to call him a chickenshit or a chickenhawk or a chicken fucking idiot, then we’re totally cool with that. But just calling him a chicken isn’t fair to us when all we’ve ever done is give you delicious eggs and mcnuggets.
Us: We hear you, Tom. But Trump’s humiliation sustains us, and he clearly hates being called a chicken.
Tom: Ok fine. He’s a chicken. A cowardly, shit-feathered, pig-fucking chicken.
Us: That’s the spirit!
We’re gonna be laughing about this for a while. We doubt another reporter will ever ask him about it ever again, so it’s up to us to keep the jokes coming. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Just a reminder we’re taking tomorrow off. We’re working on some stuff to help fill that void, but in the meantime, please enjoy our live chat from yesterday. We’re having a blast doing these so we’re gonna keep doing ‘em.
Note three: This might be the most fucked up and alarming story you read today. It seems pretty obvious that RFK Jr. and his gang of quack morons used AI to write there MAHA report and it hallucinated a bunch of people and studies. We’re starting to think the ex-junkie brainworm guy isn’t gonna make us healthy again at all. More: NOTUS
Note four: Senate Democrats are cooking up a plan to go after some of the shittier aspects of the House Republican reconciliation bill. Then we’ll have to wait and see if John Thune is going to wreck the filibuster. We need our people to really fight like hell on this, so don’t be afraid to give them a call. More: Axios
Note five: This is seriously so fucking funny. Or it is until Trump nukes us all to hell and back to prove how tough he is…
Note six: We’re gonna talk about Elon Leon in the news section, but apparently Stephen Miller’s wife, Katie, is leaving with him. The internet was alight last night with rumors of the grossest throuple in history. Those rumors made us throw up and hate the internet. More: Daily Mail
Note seven: The U.S. economy shrank by .2 percent in the first quarter thanks to Trump. That’s actually an upward revision so congrats or something. More: FT.com
Note eight: RIP to President John Tyler’s youngest grandson. The lad, whose papa was president in 1841, was 96. In other news, John Tyler is still dead too. More: CBS News
Note nine: We saw some folks in the comments section yesterday talking about long covid. What a cruel and horrible affliction made worse by a society that largely seems indifferent to your suffering. Please hang in there. Also, if you can get a vaccine booster and haven’t, please do. There’s a new strain running wild and RFK is riding it like Slim Pickens riding a bomb. More: ABC News
Note 10: We were gonna save this for the Happy Ending because it made us laugh so hard we peed. But here’s another CHICKEN!!! LOL! What a freaking wuss!
Note 11: Yesterday Trump said Harvard is “getting its ass kicked.” Today his administration backed off and gave the school 30 days to challenge that dumb shit over international students. More: Reuters
Note 12: Marco Rubio is so tough. But only when he’s going after kids for having opinions. Dude is making Cillizza look like fucking Rambo. More: Politico
Note 13: Another CHICKEN!!! Like 98 percent of this dude’s job is going on television to talk about how he’s too much of a fucking wimp to ride the subway like kids do every damn day.
Note 14: Sigh. The brain worm guy is really fucking with our vaccines. Shit is gonna get real scary come flu season. More: Stat News
Note 15: Trump is trying to make his scumbag personal lawyer a freaking federal judge. We know Senate Republicans are a joke, but surely… nevermind. More: Politico
Note 16: Our favorite song these days is House Republicans getting booed to hell and back when they’re in their districts.
Note 17: Paramount is offering Trump a $15 million bribe to settle his bullshit lawsuit against 60 Minutes. If they do this, Democrats should plan to go after them when we’re back in power. More: Deadline
Note 18: This is some really good news. We’ve been following the case of Kseniia Petrova, a Harvard scientist and Russian dissident who the Trump administration has been harassing and threatening to deport. Yesterday a judge said the government acted illegally and ordered her released. Unfortunately she is still being held on Trumped up charges. LET HER GO!!! More: NBC News
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we hope this screenshot of our tiny little FBI director makes you laugh like it did us. Where do these freaks come from?!
Note 20: And on that little note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an awesome weekend and thanks for letting us take tomorrow off. We’re trying to put together a little cussing to send you anyway, but we sure do appreciate your understanding. Also, how fucking funny is that Cillizza thing?! Love y’all!
Protect Big Gretch
So you know how Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer extended an olive branch to Trump, hugged him, saved a bunch of jobs in her state, pissed people like us off and saw her approval rating go into the 60s? Well it might not have been worth it after all. Yesterday Trump said he is considering pardoning the men who wanted to kidnap Whitmer. It’s a good reminder that Trump will ALWAYS turn on you and that he really, really loves political violence. More: CBS News
Nothin’ but tariff trouble
The chicken thing was only the start of Trump’s humiliation yesterday. A three-judge panel on the U.S. Court of International Trade ruled yesterday that Trump doesn’t have the authority to set tariffs because it belongs to Congress. The White House had a multi-person temper tantrum with Stephen Miller calling the ruling a “judicial coup.” We fucking love it when they’re this mad. If Trump is tired of losing in court, he can always stop doing illegal shit. Or maybe he can’t. More: The Guardian
Bye
By now you’re seen a MSM puff piece about how Elon Leon Musk is so disappointed by Washington that he’s returning to his damaged companies. The truth is Elon Leon had no idea what he was doing, he overpromised and then couldn’t deliver. He got his ass kicked in Wisconsin (THANK YOU, WISCONSIN!) and then just moped around for a few weeks. But the last straw appears to be his criticism of Trump’s big beautiful bullshit bill. The reality is Elon Leon probably stole enough data and enough federal contracts that we’ll be feeling the ramifications of this nightmare for decades. And to drive home how evil DOGE has been, we’re linking to this story about the people who are dying and living in hell as a result. Fuck that MSM stuff. And fuck Elon. More: ProPublica
Today’s clips
A federal judge in New Jersey ruled Wednesday that the Trump administration's effort to deport pro-Palestinian activist Mahmoud Khalil on foreign policy grounds is most likely unconstitutional but stopped short of releasing him from detainment. More: NBC News
Podcast host Jennifer Welch laid into Shark Tank star Kevin O’Leary on CNN, Wednesday, for defending “the biggest whining titty baby out there” during a debate about President Donald Trump. More: Mediaite
Democratic former Rep. Abigail Spanberger is launching her first TV ad of the 2025 Virginia governor's race, detailing her background as she ramps up her campaign in one of the most closely watched elections of the year. More: NBC News
A top House Democrat on Wednesday night opened a probe into the private dinner that President Donald Trump hosted for top investors in his meme coin, seeking to highlight the ethical and legal concerns raised by the president’s willingness to profit while in office. More: Washington Post
The latest from Adam
Note Ten: I don't know what's funnier: Cillizza whining about having a note taped to his Swastikar, or the fact that he Streisand his own Tesla by whining about it. That punk painted a target on his own car, and my stomach hurts from laughing. 😂 Also, if anybody has a few seconds, check out the righteous bitchslapping he got in his comments thread. Good lawd, the schadenfreude!!
Leon Elon's quote to WaPo made me snort. "Even if something bad happens, we'll still get blamed for it even though we had nothing to do with it." Karma. It's a thing. Joe Biden is smiling:)