Cankles crushes comedy

It’s Thursday. There are 411 days until the midterm elections. Nancy Mace is trash, Kash’s cover-up crash continues and actual cancel culture comes for Kimmel.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. That’s still allowed for now.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we are fired up, pissed off and eager to vent. But before we do, we’d like to take a minute to make fun of the Worst Lady.

For years now, Melania and her weirdo loser friends have publicly bitched and moaned that none of the big fashion magazines will put her on the cover. There are a number of reasons for this, the first and biggest one being that she is semi-literate human garbage who has never done a goddamn thing worth remarking on. The second is that she has the worst taste in the history of the fucking world. And we’re not just talking about her taste in men. Look at this shit…

Yowzer! First she steals Michelle Obama’s speech, and now she’s stealing the Hamburglar’s wardrobe. Or is that the evil ghost of the hamburglar? Maybe this is why she’s such a good fit for Ronald McDonald. Actually you can see why Trump doesn’t want her around since she looks like the Grim fucking Reaper. Like seriously what the hell is wrong with her? This is like when they redid the house in Beetlejuice except it’s a person. Is it possible she’s just gone blind from looking at her bright orange husband for so many years? Is she going through a goth phase?

Whatever the reason, we think it’s probably a wise decision to not put her gross ass on the cover of any of the fashion magazines. There’s a good chance she would steal all the hamburgers from the magazine staff. Robble robble and eat shit, Melania. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Like y’all, we’re pretty goddamn rattled by Kimmel’s suspension and the Republican victory lap that followed. If you missed it, we wrote something about it yesterday.

Note three: Also, we’re so sorry we had to cancel yesterday’s therapy session. We’re on for Friday unless we’re in some Texas gulag by then.

Note four: Wanda Sykes was supposed to be the guest on Kimmel last night. Since she got canceled, we wanted to make sure you saw what she had to say. More: HuffPost

Note five: Look at these weird freaks celebrating the firings of nurses, teachers and comedians. You can tell this woman’s parents were also brother and sister.

Note six: Trump says he’s designating antifa as a terrorist group. Cool story, gramps. We’re labeling your cankles gross as shit. More: HuffPost

Note seven: It is so fucking weird and unnatural to agree with Karl Rove. But Trump does weird shit to people and Rove is right. More: Mediaite

Note eight: Thank you to fired CDC Director Susan Monarez for calling out RFK Jr.’s batshit insane leadership at HHS. That was some truly terrifying testimony, and even Bill Cassidy’s dumb ass seemed to be rattled by it. Guess he shouldn’t have voted for the brain worm guy. More: NPR

Note nine: During that hearing, a caveman-shaped pile of shit named Markwayne Mullen tried to intimidate Monarez by telling her that RFK Jr. recorded their meeting. That turned out to be a lie. It’s almost like guys named Markwayne are fucking idiots. More: Politico

Note 10: The Onion nailed it again…

Note 11: Trump got a bit of a rate cut yesterday. And all he had to do was listen to Jerome Powell explain how inflation and unemployment are rising. More: CNBC

Note 12: An immigration judge has ordered Mahmoud Khalil to be deported to either Algeria or Syria. And they’re doing it on Marco Rubio’s word. Remember when we used to lie about being a marketplace of ideas? More: NBC News

Note 13: We’re glad to see Senate Democrats are preparing to shut the government down. It’s time. We can’t continue to support what is happening. And John Fetterman can eat shit and then go fuck himself. More: The Hill

Note 14: Thank you to President Obama for calling out Trump’s inflammatory response to Charlie Kirk’s murder. And thank you to President Obama for standing up for his wife. Ted Cruz and Mitch McConnell should take notes. More: The Guardian

Note 15: VP Couchfuck says that violence is bad unless you’re murdering fishermen. Hilarious, right?

Note 16: It’s wild to think that the one thing the far right and everyone else can agree on these days is that Pam Bondi sucks hog anus. More: The Hill

Note 17: Senate Republicans keep changing the rules to go nuclear on Democrats and it’s barely a story. If Democrats had done this, all we’d be hearing about is the fall of the republican from a sobbing Jake Tapper. More: HuffPost

Note 18: After an Australian Broadcasting Company reporter asked Trump a hard question about his corruption the other day, the ABC is being excluded from Trump’s press conference with the British PM. Good to know the British government are a bunch of pussies too. More: The Guardian

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we were really struggling. So we’re going to celebrate the British horse that took a giant dump in front of Trump. That horse spoke for us all. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there. We know it’s not easy. But it could be worse. You could be Melania’s stylist. Love y’all!

Shithouse rat
Nancy Mace might be the worst person in the world. While it’s true that Trump is a piece of shit, Mace is the fly who lives in that shit. Most recently, Mace has been trying to get Ilhan Omar censured and removed from her committee assignments. Yeah, Mace is lamenting an absence of civility. So much in fact that she said “fuck her” when talking about Omar. Unfortunately for Mace, her own party thinks she’s a lunatic asshead too, so the effort was defeated. We can’t wait to see who Nancy’s crazy ass goes after next. More: HuffPost, Mediaite

Messy bitch
Kash Daniels is a trainwreck. When he’s not looking like he just pissed on an electrical fence, he’s making clear he has no idea what he’s doing by freaking out and yelling at members of Congress. Kash had a bad day yesterday as House Democrats ripped him a new one for covering for Jeffrey Epstein and his friends. We thought Swalwell did a great job of pointing out that Kash is full of shit. And y’all know how much we love Jasmine Crockett… More: New Republic

Comedy is canceled
Trump and his kiss-ass cult are celebrating after Disney suspended Jimmy Kimmel last night. FCC chairman Brendan Carr, who is thoroughly enjoying his time as a limp-dick dictator’s media enforcer, has been making the rounds to take credit for the suspension while also claiming it was because of ratings. House Democrats this morning called for Carr to be fired because of his anti-American activities. We agree. We also hope Mickey Mouse fucks all the way off because Disney is apparently owned by a bunch of gutless chickenshits. We’re sure it goes without saying, but we stand with Jimmy and anyone else who wants to make fun of our dumbfuck president. More: HuffPost, Mediaite

Today’s clips
Law enforcement were investigating Thursday after a shooting killed three officers and wounded two more in southern Pennsylvania the day before. More: Associated Press

The administration is putting together plans to take action against left-wing groups that President Donald Trump and his allies accuse of fomenting political violence, according to three people familiar with discussions about the federal response to the Sept. 10 assassination of conservative activist Charlie Kirk in Utah. One of the sources said the moves could come as early as the end of the month. More: NBC News

Actors and musicians rallied around Jimmy Kimmel following the shock suspension of his late night show by ABC on Wednesday. More: HuffPost

Former Vice President Kamala Harris says she would have picked Pete Buttigieg as her running mate last year but America wasn’t ready for the pairing, according to an excerpt of her new book. More: Associated Press

A U.S. Census Bureau advisory committee made up of scientific experts that was axed by the Trump administration earlier this year is resurrecting itself and meeting Thursday with no official blessing or formal ties to the statistical agency. More: Associated Press

Urgent Midday Briefing on FBI Director Patel’s Senate Meltdown. With Parkhomenko x Popok.