Boo! 👻🎃

Happy Halloween. There are 368 days until the midterm elections and FOUR DAYS UNTIL THIS YEAR’S ELECTIONS! Trump wants to go nuclear, America goes Whites Only and the UN says to stop murdering.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it’s still a prince.

Note: Happy Halloween, Sexy Patriots! Or it would be if every goddamn day wasn’t a fucking nightmare, right? It’s hard to really enjoy this holiday when you spend every day fighting real monsters. Like we’re pretty sure Van Helsing wasn’t a Halloween guy. And we think even he would be scared of this goblin…

We’re sorry to scare you by showing you that hideous monster. What a horrible, horrible person. But this might work out. If you really want to give kids a Halloween fright, just show them Kristi Noem and tell them she kills puppies. Even Freddy Krueger would piss himself at the sight of that face. We were even tempted to proclaim her a witch, but we decided that witches are actually awesome. Instead, she is a Cheuksin.

We know what you’re thinking — Guys, you’re so damn hot and what the hell is a Cheuksin? Well we’re so glad you asked. We learned about this on the show Brooklyn 99 (RIP Andre Braugher). Apparently a Cheuksin is a Korean toilet ghost who chokes you with her hair while you take a shit. And if that ain’t Kristi Noem, then we don’t know what is.

Anyway, be safe out there, Chicago. There’s Cheuksins around, and they’re ugly as as hell. Y’all have a blessed day and a safe and Happy Halloween.

Note two: Just a reminder that the Trump administration is going to start starving 42 million Americans tomorrow. Mike Little Johnson went on CNN yesterday and admitted he’s doing it for leverage. These Republican Christians are fucking scary, man. More: Democrats.org

Note three: Marjorie Taylor Greene is going on The View. Maybe they can find out what happened to the real Marjorie Taylor Greene. More: HuffPost

Note four: This is a fucked up story. Some local yokel in Tennessee arrested a man for posting about Trump and said it was a threat to a school even though it obviously wasn’t. The dude spent a month in jail before they just dropped the charges. We sure hope he sues them to hell and back. More: NewsChannel5

Note five: Please be sure to let United Airlines know how you feel about them sucking Trump taint.

Note six: It really is just beyond evil that these assholes won’t lift a finger to help Americans with their premiums. Maybe if we all go as Argentinians for Halloween, then we can get $40 billion. More: NBC News

Note seven: Tucker Carlson had a nice friendly chat with a Holocaust denier and even talked about the dangers of “Jewry.” The Heritage Foundation said that’s no problem at all. So yeah, they’re exactly who we thought they were. More: Associated Press

Note eight: HAVE YOU VOTED YET?????? IWillVote.com

Note nine: Prince Andrew is no longer a prince. His new title is Child-Raping Shit-Eating Scumbag. We think it fits. More: NBC News

Note 10: This is Sam’s whole Halloween costume. Adam is going as a Minion.

Note 11: Just a reminder that Mike Little Johnson is literally refusing to seat an elected member of Congress because she would vote to expose the president of the United States as a child rapist. More: Axios

Note 12: “Are you fucking kidding me?!” This is the Kamala Harris we love. More: Mediaite

Note 13: We love this shit so much. This is how you do it, Dems.

Note 14: We wish we could say we’re surprised that Kim Kardashian is a fucking idiot, but she did marry Kanye. Still, what a moron. More: Mediaite

Note 15: Billie Eilish told a bunch of asshole billionaires to give away their money. We’re guessing they didn’t like that. More: Associated Press

Note 16: DOJ is now going after Black Lives Matter. We’re sure it’s only a matter of time until they find the next Fred Hampton and murder him. More: Associated Press

Note 17: This from Michigan’s Mallory McMorrow is pretty damn good.

Note 18: Don’t forget to set your clocks back and slip into a massive depression this weekend. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re looking past all the icky stuff and posting Thriller because it’s Halloween and this joint is just so goddamn good.

Note 20: And on that chilling note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great week, and we hope you have an even better Halloween Weekend. Just beware of Secretary Cheuksin. Love y’all!

Nuclear
Remember how Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema kept telling us how important it was to save the filibuster and not protect voting or abortion rights because then Republicans would ram shit through too? And remember how we all said that Republicans would do it regardless? Well, if Trump gets his wish, we will once again be right. In a Truth Social rant, Trump called for Senate Republican leaders to abolish the filibuster so they can reopen the government. John Thune and others have been resistant to do so, but they’re also members of a cult and have to do whatever Dear Leader tells them to. So yeah, we assume the filibuster is now hanging on by a thread. More: CNN

Huddled (white) masses
The new sign at the Statue of Liberty is apparently “Whites Only.” We wish we were kidding. Yesterday the Trump administration said that they are reducing the number of annual refugees allowed in the U.S. to 7,500. And they must be white. Or at least from South Africa. Every once in a while we think about how prominent New York Times reporters went on television and said they just weren’t sure if the birther guy was a racist or not. And we get very, very angry. More: Associated Press

Stop murdering people
The UN says Trump should stop killing people. We tend to agree. Yeah, the UN Human Rights commissioner called for an investigation into Trump’s “extrajudicial” murders of Venezuelan fishermen who may or may not be drug smugglers. The move comes as the Miami Herald is reporting that Trump is going to start launching strikes onto Venezuelan land. So much for that Nobel Peace Prize, right? More: Newsweek

Today’s clips
A federal judge appointed to the bench by President Donald Trump heaped praise Thursday on two federal prosecutors who were placed on administrative leave after they described those who stormed the Capitol in 2021 as a “mob of rioters.” More: NBC News

A former CBS producer accused the network of race-based layoffs after the company laid off 1,000 employees in a first round of cuts. More: Mediaite

Rep. Clay Higgins (R-LA) has little sympathy for millions of Americans whose food assistance benefits are set to lapse on Nov. 1. More: Mediaite

Illinois advocates sued federal authorities Friday over alleged “inhumane and torturous” conditions at a Chicago-area federal immigration facility. More: HuffPost

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered the military to provide dozens of lawyers to the Justice Department for temporary assignments in Memphis and near the U.S.-Mexico border that could run through next fall, according to a memo released this week and reviewed by The Associated Press. More: Associated Press