BE COOL

It’s Wednesday. There are 573 days until the midterm elections. The AP gets a win, the freaks are fighting and an idiot tanks the economy.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. How the hell could it not?!

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Congrats on making it halfway through the week! Y’all are the fucking best. One of our favorite things about this crazy cussing newsletter is the sense of community it has created for us. We always feel like we’re cussing out assholes with friends. And that’s so important because there is a real problem with loneliness in this country. Even for guys who have sex with the furniture…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Usha dropped the dime on loserboy Jabba Dahut (JD) Vance!!! Now we know what you’re thinking – Guys, you’re so attractive and how many different Vance-fucks-couches jokes are you about to make? Well first, thank you! And second, none. Gasp! Yeah, we just figured the best ones have probably already been done, so instead we’re going to do ol’ Jaundice Dickdrip (JD) a favor and give him some advice.

Hey man. We hear you’re pretty lonely. Yeah, your wife is telling everyone. EVERYONE. Listen, it doesn’t have to be this way. You just gotta stop being a weird asshole who totally sucks. Like do you think part of the reason you’re lonely is because people who might otherwise be your buddies think it’s possible that you fucked a couch? Is that not a warning sign for you to stop sucking? Would you want to hang out with a guy who’s so weird and off-putting that people think he did it with a couch? Fuck no, right? So yeah, dude, you’re probably gonna stay lonely. Because you’re a weird asshole who totally sucks. So allow us to quote your sofa and say go fuck yourself.

Ok so we lied and did a bunch of couch stuff. And maybe that wasn’t us at our most compassionate. We actually are worried about the loneliness epidemic, except for the people who clearly brought it upon themselves and totally fucking deserve it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If we can be serious for a moment, we hope y’all are hanging in there. We know the whole goddamn world is on fire and a monkey with a machine gun is on the loose. This stuff is heavy as hell, so please make sure you’re unplugging and looking away from time to time. Self-care is damn important right now so please be good to your hot self.

Note three: Oh we like this. Hakeem Jeffries has challenged Mike Little Johnson to a “mano a mano” debate on the House floor. Do it, Mikey! Don’t be a wuss! More: The Hill

Note four: Tourists no longer want to come to America. Probably because we’ll stick them in a dungeon while our idiot president plays golf. More: AP News

Note five: Do you know how badly Trump has to have fucked up to get this deranged lunatic mad at him? She wasn’t this upset on Jan. 6.

Note six: The director of ICE says he wants to deport people like Amazon Prime does business. How long until he’s talking about a rail system to improve efficiency? More: Michigan Advance

Note seven: The acting head of the IRS is resigning rather than go along with the shady plan to have the IRS help ICE track down migrants through their taxes. It’s so surprising to see courage these days. More: CBS News

Note eight: Republicans are going to try and push through their anti-elections bill today. Democrats need to be raising hell. More: CBS6

Note nine: There are reports that some House Republicans are balking over Trump’s massive tax cuts budget. He even spent two hours last night at a House Republican dinner ranting and raving and telling them to “close your eyes” and just vote for it. What a great system we have. More: POLITICO

Note 10: This one made us laugh…

Note 11: Elon Leon Melvin Musk killed eight people, including five children. Maybe someday he will actually go to prison for these crimes against humanity. More: Reuters

Note 12: The Los Angeles Dodgers are 0-3 since going to the White House to kiss orange ass. Great job, fellas.

Note 13: Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer thought it was a good idea to go to Washington today and say nice things about Trump’s tariffs before meeting with him. And here we thought this was someone with good political instincts who we could possibly support for president. Guess we were wrong. More: Freep

Note 14: Wanna hear something really fucking gross? That college in Florida that Ron DeSantis destroyed is hosting alleged rapist Russell Brand. Florida, man. More: NBC

Note 15: They made a LeBron James Barbie doll. Guess the other guy wasn’t Kenough. How long until Trump tweets something really racist about this?

Note 16: You’re not gonna believe this but Marjorie Taylor Greene’s ex-husband is a racist asshole who attacks young girls. Ok so you will believe it. Imagine your life if sleeping with MTG wasn’t the grossest thing you’ve ever done. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Trump is now going after Cornell and Northwestern. So maybe the guy who hangs out with nazis wasn’t actually all that worried about antisemitism. More: CNN

Note 18: Trump said last night he’s looking forward to the midterms. So are we, motherfucker. More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, these are getting harder to find. But today we’re taking you to Newark where teenagers have been given the right to vote. And since we’re really fucking up their world and their future, this seems only fair. Give ‘em hell, kids!

Note 20: And on that hopeful note, let’s go do some news! Everything is a damn mess, so be good to yourself, SPs. We don’t want any of you ending up on the couch like Jolly Dudeboobies (JD) Vance. Love y’all!

Git ‘em

Well holy shit. Someone actually stood up to Trump and won. It’s funny how that works. It’s almost like bullies only understand one thing. Yesterday Trump Judge Trevor McFadden ruled in favor of the Associated Press, who sued Trump for barring them from the Oval Office and Air Force One because they wouldn’t call it the Gulf of America. While McFadden is still enough of an asshole to leave the ban in place while Trump appeals, this is a big and important win. It turns out that in this country, the president doesn’t get to pick the words we use.

More: AP News

Asshole fight!

Elon Leon Melvin Musk is very unhappy about the tariffs and he’s been quietly speaking out. But he’s also a total wimp so instead of attacking Trump, he is attacking Peter Navarro. And we kinda understand that because Navarro is an idiot. And that’s what Elon keeps publicly saying on twitter – that Navarro is a “moron.” He has also repeatedly used the r-word but we hate that shit so we’re not using it here. You know it’s great economic policy when the president’s top advisors are publicly attacking each other over it. How does the White House feel about this embarrassing crap? “Boys will be boys,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt. So yeah, everything is really, really stupid.

More: NBC

Not great

Last night, Trump’s dumbfuck tariffs went into place. This morning, the president of the United States tweeted “BE COOL” while everyone watched the global economy teeter on the brink of catastrophe. China announced 84 percent retaliatory tariffs and the EU voted to go with 34 percent. The markets continue to be down as the warnings about just how fucked up Trump’s idiotic tariffs are getting louder and more dire. Hell, last night Senate Republicans went on Fox News and basically begged Trump to stop. Even fucking Rand Paul is making sense these days. Call us crazy, but we think America should have elected the person who wasn’t going to destroy the economy.

More: CNBC, ABC

Today’s clips

President Donald Trump on Tuesday signed a series of executive orders aimed at boosting the struggling coal industry, a reliable but polluting energy source that’s long been in decline. More: AP News

JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon said Wednesday he sees the U.S. economy likely headed to recession as President Donald Trump’s tariffs roil financial markets. More: NBC

At least 113 people are known to have died when the roof of a Dominican Republic nightclub collapsed Tuesday morning, and 155 transfers have been taken to local hospitals, officials said early Wednesday. More: NBC

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt said Tuesday that President Donald Trump is exploring legal pathways to “deport” U.S. citizens to El Salvador, where the administration has already arranged to house deported immigrants in a prison known for its human rights abuses. More: HuffPost