Balls to the Walz

Today’s Big Stuff. August 15, 2024

It’s Thursday. There are 82 days until the general election. Balls to the Walz is ready to debate, Vice President Harris wants to outlaw price-gouging and Biden-Harris beat the drug companies. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We did get it to stop sniffing glue though. 

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’ve got some bad news today. Shocking news, really. It turns out that Jello Dookienuts (JD) Vance can get weirder. We didn’t believe it at first either. Like how the hell does the couch-sex dolphin-porn “childless cat ladies” asshead get any weirder? Like this…

Yikes. That made our skin crawl out the goddamn door. Here’s a tip to our fellow dudes — do not ever, ever, ever, ever, ever use the phrase “purpose of the postmenopausal female.” And if you do, then don’t be surprised when the cops kick in your door looking for a bloody clown suit in your crawlspace. Or at the very least, don’t be surprised when you end up with a faceful of pepper spray. Vance, bro, stop being so fucking weird. You’re creeping everyone out, man. 

It is funny to think that Tim Walz would be awesome if he and Vice President Harris were running unopposed. But running against Vance, Walz looks like the best candidate in the history of politics. So yeah, keep talking, Jordache Dumbshit (JD)! Let everyone see how weird you are. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Ukrainian troops have captured a Russian town?! Oh that’s awesome. Republicans are gonna be so pissed. More: The Hill

Note three: Adam’s latest piece: Reading between the Dentures: Trump, Elon, Putin, Russia, and Ukraine. More: The Alt Media

Note four: When is the last time you checked your voter registration? If it’s been a little while, find out today if you’re still registered. We can’t have the GOP messing with your rights as a citizen.

Note five: New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy is appointing George Helmy, his former chief of staff, to the U.S. Senate to replace convicted felon Bob Mendendez. Voters in the Garden State will get to pick their own choice this November. More: ABC7NY

Note six: Joe Biden is completely out of fucks to give and we are so here for it.

Note seven: Need a laugh today? RFK Jr. asked for a meeting with Vice President Harris to talk about endorsing her in exchange for a job in her administration. Because she isn’t an awful lunatic like Trump, she did not take the meeting. Just when we thought we couldn’t love her any more than we already do. More: The Guardian

Note eight: RIP to Gena Rowlands. If you want to see a grown man cry so much he gets dehydrated, just watch the Notebook with Sam sometime. More: ABC News

Note nine: Trump and Bibi are having phone conversations about the Israel-Hamas War. So we basically have a shadow president influencing our foreign policy. That ain’t good, y’all. In fact it’s so bad, Bibi is denying it happened. More: Axios

Note 10: Fox News is an absolute joke, but their polling outfit is historically pretty sharp. And right now they have Trump leading Harris 50-49. So we still have work to do. More: Fox News

Note 11: Both Vance and Trump spent part of yesterday attacking Vice President Harris for laughing. Someone should tell these assholes that it’s weird to hate the sound of laughter.

Note 12: Oh now this is exciting. We saw on Twitter that Eric Trump was promoting a Trump boat parade. There are few things in the world that make us laugh as hard as those Trump losers sinking their boats in a lake. More: NPR

Note 13: RIP to Famous Amos, who long ago made us say RIP to out waistline. More: CNN

Note 14: We almost forgot that Trump is going to be sentenced for his felonies on Sept. 18. So that’ll be fun. More: ABC News

Note 15: Even the Montana Supreme Court thinks Republicans are going too far with their anti-choice bullshit. More: Associated Press

Note 16: Yesterday we told you about Republican U.S. Senate candidate Royce White. Well here he is sharing the Republican Party platform. Jesus these assholes are so weird. 

Note 17: A new Q-poll out of Pennsylvania shows Harris leading Trump 50-47 and 48-45 when RFK is included. No wonder these dicks keep attacking her laugh. They know they’re about to hear a lot of it. More: Quinnipiac

Note 18: Trump voted early yesterday in Florida’s primary. So yes, according to his twisted fucked up logic, he just voted illegally. Lock him up. More: ABC News

Note 19: Republicans are still planning on implementing Project 2025. They just know they need to lie about it during the election season. More: CNN

Note 20: For today’s Happy Ending, we just want to say how much we appreciate Flavor Flav. This has always been true, as we are longtime Public Enemy fans. But Flav really came through at the Olympics, and we are fans. More: Huff Post

Note 21: And on that heartwarming note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week! We also hope that you’re paying attention to how much weird Jukebox Dingaling (JD) Vance hates you. It’s ok. We’ll just hate him back. Love y’all!

Go time
It took him a full day of hemming and hawing, but Vance has finally agreed to debate Tim Walz. The two men are scheduled to square off on Oct. 1. The interesting thing here is that after being a chickenshit for a little while, Vance now wants two debates. That’s one way we know they know that they’re losing. Winning campaigns don’t ask for more debates because they don’t need them. More: CNN

Let’s go
The beltway press has been whining about the lack of policy details coming out of the Harris-Walz campaign even though we’re still waiting on Trump’s goddamn healthcare plan. But Harris is going to give them what they want this Friday when she unveils a proposal to outlaw price-gouging to lower grocery prices. As far as major policy addresses go, this is a pretty darn good one. We bet she won’t even talk about Hannibal Lecter. More: CNBC

HELL YEAH
Today is a big damn day at the White House. Thanks to a tie-breaking vote by Vice President Harris, the White House was given the authority to allow Medicare to negotiate drug prices with pharmaceutical companies. The drug companies and Republicans hate it and want it repealed. But Americans are going to love it. Because today we found out the first results and prices for crucial drugs have been lowered anywhere from 38 percent to 79 percent. This could save Medicare $6 billion a year and out-of-pocket costs by $1.5 billion. It could also save a lot of lives. This is what Democrats do. Republicans attack the Capitol. More: CNN

Today’s clips
Multiple people have been charged in connection with the accidental overdose death of actor Matthew Perry, law enforcement sources told NBC News Thursday. More: NBC News

More than 40,000 Palestinians have been killed in Gaza since Israel launched its war on Hamas following the group’s October 7 attack, the health ministry in the enclave said Thursday, yet another dark milestone in the 10-month-old conflict. More: CNN