‘Backwards and Poor’

It’s Tuesday. There are 63 days until the midterm elections. CBS goes full racist, Republicans are the data center party and Trump’s cheating plans come into view.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never broke the U.S. Army like some kind of asshole.

Note: We hate to do this to you, Sexy Patriots, but we’re moving the goalposts. Yesterday we were all fucking giddy that Jim Clyburn came out in favor of expanding the court. It’s a goal we have sought for a while now, and it was a real win seeing Democratic leadership come out in favor of it. But then that corrupt shit-for-brains court went and did this and now we have a whole new proposal — giant concrete rat dick statues carved into the facade…

Oh goddamnit! Wait… what?! *Adam and Sam, you’re so hot but also what was that you were saying about giant concrete rat dick statues carved into the facade?* Well first, thank you. We needed that. Second, yeah, we’ve decided that the new standard for any Democratic candidate who wants our vote is that they have to be willing to propose, fund and construct 200-foot concrete statues of rodent penises on the United States Supreme Court building. We still want to expand the number of seats, but we also want to take today’s ruling and rub Sam Alito’s face in it by making him go to work in the rat dick building every day.

So if the president of the United States is allowed to do whatever he or she wants to federal buildings, then get ready for the U.S. Supreme Court with Massive Rat Cocks. It’s still less offensive than that fucking ballroom. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Believe it or not, we are still somehow having fucking primaries. If people are voting near you, please join them and remember to not vote for any assholes. More: Boltsmag

Note three: The Secretary of the Army went to Trump and told him that Hegseth has broken the Army and pushed out everyone who knows anything about the military. Trump sided with Hegseth and the secretary resigned yesterday. We’re guessing Trump is more worried about a military that will support his coup than one that can win wars. More: HuffPost

Note four: RIP to the great Wendell Berry. Like his fellow Kentuckian Mitch McConnell, Berry is no longer of this earth. Unlike McConnell, Berry’s life is worth celebrating. More: NBC News

Note five: Maybe all the white reporters asking about Hasan Piker could take a break and spend some time on the Speaker of the House supporting a man who beat his wife and threw hot water on his young child…

Note six: This story will make you sick. A young Haitian man named Pierre Damas Bel took his own life yesterday after being made to wear an ankle monitor and threatened with deportation. Are Republicans still pretending to be the Christian party? Because this is fucking evil. More: Springfield News Sun

Note seven: Mel Gibson is a piece of shit. We realize this is the opposite of breaking news. More: HuffPost

Note eight: It took way longer than it should have, but we finally saw some pushback to Laura Loomer’s despicable racism. Don’t you think Democrats should maybe focus on Trumpland racist scum instead of twitch streamers? More: CNN

Note nine: LOLOL. Another Kentucky Republican is running from Trump. Rep. Andy Barr was telling voters during the primary that it’s ok to be white. Now he wants to pretend to be a moderate? Eat shit, Andy. We know you’re good at it. More: LPM

Note 10: Don’t throw rotten fruit or vegetables at us, but we think Abdul is really good at this stuff. And y’all know we love a good couch gag…

Note 11: We’d like to say thank you to David Leslie. David selflessly withdrew from Alaska’s U.S. Senate race to make it more likely that Democrat Mary Peltola wins without splitting the vote. David also used his campaign to raise some important issues. Thank you, David. We see you and we appreciate you. More: AlaskaBeacon

Note 12: Sam is a broken record on this, but if you can go to the movies, please go see Coyote vs. Acme because it’s funny and sweet and we need more movies like this.

Note 13: Yesterday we condemned the fucking idiot who dared to confront Brad Lander. We should have known Lander would handle it like the badass he is. We really love this dude.

Note 14: Ted Cruz is talking about Trump’s balls. Such a weird motherfucker. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Somebody stole a shitload of Pabst Blue Ribbon. It wasn’t us, but we can sure understand the impulse. More: AP

Note 16: Kalshi banned George Santos for life. So Kalshi has higher ethical standards than the Republican Party. Ouch. More: AP

Note 17: You know how Trump keeps saying the Strait of Hormuz is totally open? Well he’s either an idiot or a liar. Just kidding. He’s definitely both.

Note 18: We did it! It only took three decades, but we got the guy who got Tupac. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, it’s September. So here’s some Earth, Wind and Fire for your hot asses… More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that groovin’ note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far and are as excited as we are about them big ol’ rat johnsons we’re putting on SCOTUS. Love y’all!

CBScumbags

Let’s all pretend to be shocked that Bari Weiss is an anti-Muslim bigot. Ok so nobody is shocked. According to reports, Bari personally got involved in a story yesterday that tried to make Abdul El-Sayed look like he deleted some bad tweets about Sept. 11. The truth is they were pretty innocuous and Bari was looking for some sensationalism as she continues to push her propaganda. We noticed several people on social media arguing that there is no way CBS can be allowed to ever host a debate that features Democrats, and we sure as shit agree with that. Is our party going to stand with our nominee and against racism? Guess we’ll see.

More: Jezebel

Backwards and Poor

That’s what Trump said will become of communities that don’t embrace and build data centers. We are enormously grateful to AOC for being the first to ask a very obvious question in response — why don’t we build them near Mar-a-Lago? And AOC has to be the one asking because the White House press corps is a goddamn joke. From Tom Emmer and Steve Scalise this morning to Jon Husted yesterday, Republicans are determined to be the party of data centers. We think this is a great idea, and we hope they keep at it.

More: CNBC, HuffPost

Holy Fucking Shit!

So this should be the biggest story of the day and the next 63 days. Trump is planning to use the U.S. Postal Service to cheat in this year’s elections. It’s very obvious that Trump wants to force voters to the polls where his armed thugs will be waiting to intimidate them. Today’s report is from a USPS whistleblower who says that officials are violating court orders and moving ahead with a system that is completely fucked up. We’re not at the point yet where we’re gonna tell you to vote in person, but we’re getting damn close

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

LAS VEGAS (AP) — When Vice President JD Vance stepped on stage in Michigan on Monday, it was MAGA Inc. writing the check for the campaign event. It was a rare bit of spending in a battleground state from a powerful political organization that has mostly been missing in action this year.

With just over two months to go before the midterm elections, President Donald Trump is still sitting on most of his colossal war chest, and he’s been growing his money pile instead of spending it. More: AP

As Democrats across the U.S. signal an increasing appetite for change, U.S. Rep. Seth Moulton is hoping that momentum will help him oust longtime Massachusetts U.S. Sen. Ed Markey in Tuesday’s primary. More: AP

KATHMANDU, Nepal (AP) — Rescue teams with search dogs continued to search through mud, rocks and debris on Tuesday on the border with Nepal and China for thousands of people still missing following the catastrophic floods that tore through communities across the Himalayas, leaving more than 1,000 dead. More: AP

ICE officers and agents arrested roughly 50,000 people in August, according to a senior DHS official familiar with the preliminary arrest data. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump said he abstained from golf for 120 days leading up to the 2024 election, adding to a virtual trophy case of falsehoods about the game he adores. More: HuffPost