Art of the Dipsh*t

It’s Wednesday. There are 209 days until the midterm elections. Bibi in the Situation Room, Couch Boy goes to bat for Putin and Trump loses to Iran.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. How the fuck does anyone not these days?!

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Note: Well, congrats on not dying this week, Sexy Patriots. We’re all so delighted that our deranged crazy shithead president didn’t nuke the Middle East or Nebraska even as we try to wrap our heads around the stupidest military adventurism ever. Yeah, it’s a real bowl of shit soup. So it’s really goddamn weird that we’re in such a great mood today. But we get like that when Americans are rising up and sending a message…

That’s right, you beautiful mofos! We are winning! And we are winning a lot! We know it might not feel like it because we all spent yesterday with our buttcheeks clinched wondering just how crazy ol’ Crazy Cankles really is, but trust us, we are on the march. Thanks to the beautiful people of Wisconsin, we fucked up a lot of red areas last night. We secured a majority on the state Supreme Court through at least 2030, we won all over the state and we even won the mayor’s seat in red Waukesha. We are kicking ass and taking names!

And while our friend Shawn Harris didn’t win in Georgia, he did overperform and make clear that Jon Ossoff is going to win big time. Republicans should be pooping their pants this morning because a big fucking wave is coming. Thank you to every single Sexy Patriot who is doing the hard work to win these elections. These wins are the ultimate middle finger, and we’ve just begun to say Fuck You. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Bolts Mag, More: Associated Press

Note two: Anyone need some therapy? Yeah, everyone does. Especially this week. So please join us today at 3:30 p.m. ET/Noon PT and we’ll talk it out. You can find us here on Substack or watch and join in on the comments on YouTube here!

Note three: Because we’re not in the mainstream media, we think it’s important to remind everyone that the United States killed more than 150 little girls. Pete Hegseth is going to rot in hell. More: BBC

Note four: By the way, Israel is still attacking Lebanon, so we’ll see if this ceasefire lasts through the day More: The Guardian

Note five: Don’t worry, folks. Everything is going to be fine. Just look at how competent these assholes are.

Note six: Thank you to the Democrats who stood up yesterday and called for Trump to be removed from office. And to those who didn’t, what the fuck is your problem? More: Axios

Note seven: God we love this Artemis crew. They seem determined to remind us that not everything is butt. More: NBC News

Note eight: Trump’s goons finally released that soldier’s wife. Doesn’t seem smart to keep pissing off highly-trained killers like this. More: Associated Press

Note nine: Every goddamn time we’re about to start liking Ro Khanna, he goes and does some dumb shit like this. Dude, you don’t ever, ever, ever have to give credit to Tucker Carlson. Get your head out of your ass, Ro. More: Yahoo

Note 10: Are we the only ones who can’t stop laughing about this? It’s like Iran painted a tunnel on the side of a wall.

Note 11: Trump’s thugs are really trying to go after Cassidy Hutchinson. As if they haven’t put that poor woman through enough. More: Independent

Note 12: Expect a lot of this evil and crooked shit from DOJ now that the guy in charge over there is literally professing his love for Trump. More: Mediaite

Note 13: An 18-year-old college student lost an eye because of the violence of DHS scum. We can’t fund any of this shit. More: USC Annenberg Media

Note 14: Remember that big fancy sex jet we bought for Krisit Noem? Well now Melania is going to use it. We’ve got a few suggestions for where she can take it. More: Daily Mail

Note 15: Man, one thing we learned from this stupid war is that Iran’s meme game is elite. Also, the president of the United States is a fucking idiot. But we already knew that part.

Note 16: This is a huge relief. That American journalist who was kidnapped in Iraq has been released. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Want to feel really gross about America? Well the only refugees we’re letting in now are white South Africans. Pretty fucking gross. More: CS Monitor

Note 18: We shit on Fox News a lot, but we do appreciate Sean Hannity and Ron DeSantis focusing on cousin-fucking. Giuliani is not gonna like this. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just can’t get enough of these videos of Mamdani interacting with New Yorkers. It’s weird how he seems to genuinely love the city and people he was elected to serve. Maybe we should all think about electing people like that.

Note 20: And on that delightful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week. Try to focus on Wisconsin and not the dumbfuck gameshow host threatening nuclear holocaust. We know it ain’t easy. Love y’all!

Yikes
The New York Times dropped a shocker yesterday, reporting that Bibi Netanyahu was invited into the White House Situation Room to convince Trump to go to war with Iran. In a story with a mind-blowing number of CYA leaks, we learned that Trump was warned by his own team that going into Iran was a stupid idea but none of them had the guts to actually tell him not to do it. Bibi made the case that it was going to be super easy to beat Iran. It wasn’t. We’re not really sure what to say about the U.S.-Israel relationship right now except this ain’t how friends act. More: New York Times

Hungary Couch-Humper
If America seems to smell better at the moment it’s because JD Vance isn’t here. No, JD is in Hungary tap-dancing for Putin by endorsing Viktor Orban and trashing our European allies. The couch-fucking fuckhead can’t stop attacking Europe and telling lies about them interfering in Hungary’s elections. JD is making it 100 percent crystal clear on this trip that he is with Putin. Clearly Couch Boy thinks Putin will help him win in 2028 like he helped Trump in 2016. We’ll see. More: NBC News

Donald L. Trump
Well, Trump lost to Iran. But at least he didn’t nuke them, so we’re taking that as a win. But there’s really no win here. Before this war started, the Strait of Hormuz was open. Now, Iran will charge a toll to ships that pass through. Trump is even talking about teaming up with them to do it. We lost 13 soldiers, a shitload of money and killed an untold number of civilians and all we got was this dumbass president telling us Iran is about to have a fucking golden age. WHAT?! Iran is even bragging about how they beat Trump. Oh and the ceasefire is barely holding. So yeah, great job to the commander-in-chief on being a total goddamn moron. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
INDIANOLA, Iowa (AP) — Before Michigan U.S. Sen. Elissa Slotkin spent Tuesday afternoon supporting Democratic congressional candidates in Iowa, she was picking the brains of a table of President Donald Trump’s voters. More: Associated Press

BEIRUT (AP) — Israeli strikes hit several dense commercial and residential areas in central Beirut Wednesday afternoon without warning, hours after a ceasefire was announced in the U.S.-Israeli war with Iran. Lebanon’s health ministry said dozens were killed and hundreds wounded in an early estimate. More: HuffPost

A tweet written nearly a decade ago by then-Democratic nominee for president, Hillary Clinton, resurfaced on Tuesday following President Donald Trump’s genocidal threats against Iran. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON ― The part of the U.S. government that’s supposed to decide whether we go to war is on vacation while President Donald Trump threatens the wholesale annihilation of a foreign country. More: HuffPost

Fox & Friends delivered a surprisingly candid accounting of the Trump administration’s Iran ceasefire than you might expect from the network’s remarkably pro-Trump flagship morning show: It admitted that the objectives set forth by the Trump administration had not been met. More: Mediaite