An Orange Iraq War

It’s Wednesday. There are 503 days until the midterm elections. Trump’s goons arrest another Democrat, crypto scam dreams can come true and an Orange Iraq War.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We tried washing its mouth out with soap, but it’s a newsletter and it doesn’t have a mouth.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, people forgot how fucking strange Trumpland really is. They forgot how during the first Trump years one day you would love Kanye and the next day he was wearing a red hat and licking the walls of the Oval Office en route to becoming a full-fledged nazi lunatic scumbag. Yeah, shit gets weird in Trumpland. People are full of surprises. It’s like a carnival of mirrors but way dumber and with much scarier carnies. (No offense to our carnie brothers and sisters!) The latest example of people surprising came courtesy of Tucker Carlson. Yeah, we’re serious. No, we’re not high. Really. We swear. Yeah, we know. We totally agree he’s a piece of shit. But it’s worth it. Just trust us.

Um… ok let’s break this down. First, it’s always fun seeing Ted Cruz catch a wedgie. He sucks and his humiliation is always a good thing. Eat shit, Ted. But also, Tucker still sucks too. Big time. And while we know that Trumpland is famous for shocking heel-turns and party-switches, we are here to say right now that Tucker ain’t welcome on our side. Yeah, we know we have to be a big tent and politics is about addition and not subtraction but fuck that guy. Let him go vote for Jill Stein or some shit. But also, how is he better at this than Jake Tapper? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re going live today! Please join us for our weekly therapy session at 4 PM ET/1 PM PT. Watch live here!

Note three: We’d like to take a second to tell John Fettermanchin to kiss our asses and fuck off. After defending Trump’s invasion of L.A. and his stupid loser b-day party, Uncle Fester is now calling for destroying the Iranian people. We’re not sure we’ve ever been so excited for someone to face a primary. More: WCCS Radio, The New Republic

Note four: Great news, everybody! Trump announced last night that he’s installing “the most magnificent poles” on the White House lawn. So we might be going to war again and America is a joke, but hey we’re getting new flag poles! Is this fucking idiot serious right now? More: Mediaite

Note five: We’re gonna talk more about this in the news section, but everyone needs to see this clip from Brad Lander after he got free from ICE.

Note six: Not only was Trump’s parade a total dud, but it also killed a woman. Try to imagine if Biden had… oh fuck it. More: HuffPost

Note seven: For some reason we’re talking about flags a lot today. Wired has a story about how a U.S. government agency flew a Jan. 6 nutjob flag over an actual U.S. government building. So yeah, the real freaks are in charge now. More: Wired

Note eight: R. Kelly collapsed. Oh well. He also wants a pardon from Trump. We’re guessing he’ll get it because he abused women and likes pee tapes. More: USA Today

Note nine: Kristi Noem had to be rushed to the hospital yesterday for an allergy attack. If only Cricket had gotten the same compassion. More: Associated Press

Note 10: So here’s a lesson for unpopular Democrats — a good way to get popular is to be tough and take on Trump. We have never like Kathy Hochul, yet here we are clapping and cheering her on…

Note 11: Our broken and corrupt SCOTUS ruled this morning that states can hurt trans kids. Why is it so hard for the adults in this country to stop picking on kids who are different? More: The Guardian

Note 12: We don’t ever talk about CNN’s Harry Enten because we don’t hate ourselves enough to give a shit about his little nerd ass. But we did think it was worth telling y’all that even he is turning on Trump. More: HuffPost

Note 13: It’s hard to describe how hard we’re rooting against Cuomo. Why? Because we believe the women he harassed, and we know he’s no different than Trump. A lot of people who used to feel the same way are now supporting him. How fucking gross is that? More: Politico

Note 14: The NAACP is still doing damn good work. Just this week they announced they’re going after Elon Leon for the crimes he’s committing against Memphis and they declined to invite Trump to their annual conference. It’s the first time they’ve ever refused to invite a president. Good for them. More: Associated Press, Associated Press II

Note 15: Sens. Tina Smith and Amy Klobuchar took to the Senate floor yesterday to remember Rep. Melissa Hortman and her husband.

Note 16: RIP to Food Network star Anne Burrell. More: People

Note 17: Thank you to Rep. Jamie Raskin for doing a report on just how much money Trump’s corrupt pardons have cost their victims. Raskin’s team found that the victims are being deprived of $1.3 billion in restitution. We’re shocked the Trump University scumbag would rip people off like this. More: CBS News

Note 18: This isn’t about politics, but Barbara Streisand can’t remember if she had sex with Warren Beatty and that’s just about the most boss shit we’ve ever heard. What a life. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we came up short. Yeah, just a lot of bad news out there right now. So we’re going back to our roots. For years, whenever we needed a clip to put a smile on our face, we went with this one. Here’s the Peanuts jamming to Outkast… More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that desperate note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And if not, just remember that you’re not Ted Cruz. Or Tucker Carlson. So life is good. Love y’all!

How many more?
Trump’s ICE goons detained another Democrat yesterday. Yeah, New York Comptroller and mayoral candidate Brad Lander was escorting migrants to court like he has been for weeks when unidentified thugs roughly detained him. His crime? Asking to see a judicial warrant. And then they did what they always do and lied and accused him of assaulting federal law enforcement. New Yorkers have a choice: They can elect someone like Lander mayor and stand up to ICE or they elect Cuomo and let ICE run wild in their city. We know how we’d vote. More: Associated Press

What are we doing?
Yesterday Sen. Alex Padilla took to the Senate floor to give an impassioned speech about being detained by Trump scum last week. And then Padilla turned around and voted to give Trump a huge win. All in all, 18 Senate Democrats voted for Trump’s crypto scam, helping our criminal president further line his pockets while also threatening the stability of the economy. Why? Because they’re afraid crypto bros will throw money at their election opponents. The thing is this isn’t just Fetterman. A lot of these folks are people we really like. It’s just shameful. And a good reminder not to have heroes who are politicians. Congrats on giving Trump a “bipartisan” win and helping him be even more corrupt. More: Politico

Orange Iraq
When he’s not talking about flagpoles, Trump is threatening more war with Iran. According to reports, Trump liked how Israel looked on Fox News, so he decided to get the U.S. involved. Sorta. He’s mostly spending his time threatening the country while Israel does the bombing. Here’s the thing — it sure seems like Trump and Bibi are lying about Iran’s nuclear capabilities. Even Tulski Gabbard said so and now she’s been sidelined in Trumpland. The first Trump administration had a million watergates. This one is going to have a million Iraq Wars. Because everybody knows it won’t be Barron or Don Jr. going to fight. It never is. More: NBC News, Politico

Today’s clips
The United States government will activate an extra 2,000 National Guard troops in Los Angeles, the military confirmed in a statement Tuesday night, as a legal battle continues over the deployment. More: NBC News

As the president continued to ramp up his rhetoric against Iran, critics pointed to a November 2013 social media post where Trump accused then-President Barack Obama of planning to attack Iran. More: HuffPost

Fox News national security correspondent Jennifer Griffin has publicly condemned the ICE arrest of an Afghan national who served as an interpreter for American troops. More: Mediaite

One of the most powerful lobbies in Washington is redoubling its efforts to avoid a cut to Medicaid payments in the GOP’s megabill. More: Politico

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