America blames the orange moron

It’s Thursday. There are 397 days until the midterm elections. They’re zip-tying children, the White House tries to shake down more universities and America blames Republicans.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It will briefly stop when the new Taylor Swift album comes out.

Note: We don’t know if you can tell, Sexy Patriots, but we really don’t like Donald Trump. And we really fucking hate the people who work for his gross ass. When they’re not stealing from us, they’re lying to us. Whether it’s VP Couchfuck or PeeWee German, we often find ourselves yelling JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP at our screens. That’s why it was so unusual yesterday when we saw a video that had us screaming KEEP TALKING… NUTLICK!!!

EYES EMOJI!!! Like we said, KEEP TALKING, BUTTLICK!!! How freaking hilarious would it be if it was one of Trump’s hapless kiss-asses who spilled the beans to another one of his hapless kiss-asses and that was what brought down the whole ugly ship? It continues to be our one saving grace that all these rich assholes are dumber than dog shit and made of jello. You can tell ol’ Nutlick there would totally be a jailhouse snitch. Let’s get half a winecooler in him and see what else he has to say.

It’s at this point we will remind you that Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein were best friends for many, many years. And now thanks to Buttlick, we know why. Thanks, bro. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We can’t decide if we like Nutlick or Buttlick more. And that’s the kind of shit we talk about when we do our weekly therapy sessions. If you missed yesterday’s, you can check it out here.

Note three: We’re wishing a happy and peaceful Yom Kippur to all of our Jewish friends. G’mar Chatimah Tovah! Did we say that right?

Note four: Sadly, we have to share with you a report of more antisemitic violence in the UK last night. We’re sending love. More: CNN

Note five: You know how we mentioned that we hate the people around Trump? Well that especially applies to this creep. If you run this through the Normal Human translator, it just says I-piss-myself-at-the-sight-of-brown-people over and over again. Stay tough, Memphis.

Note six: Corey Lewandowski, the man who is cheating on his wife with the DHS secretary, is now threatening the Super Bowl. It’s too bad he hates our American traditions so much. Maybe he should just fuck off. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Remember how Trump and his kiss-asses in the media told us he didn’t know anything about Project 2025? Well this morning he confessed that he’s a fucking liar. We’re shocked. More: NBC News

Note eight: CNN and MSNBC have lost all their viewers. It’s almost like being Republican Lite is a stupid business strategy. Maybe they should have Tapper attack Joe Biden some more. More: Mediaite

Note nine: The ADL has done everything it can to look the other way and ignore the antisemitism of Trump and those around him. And their reward is getting stabbed in the back by the FBI. This is why we don’t try to appease scumbags. More: Axios

Note 10: We mentioned this yesterday, but the video is jaw-dropping. It’s pretty obvious that even Mike Little Johnson knows Trump’s brains are wet shit.

Note 11: Bless these amazing students in Iowa who are protesting on behalf of their superintendent. Trump is going to radicalize a generation of kids who know this shit is wrong. More: NBC News

Note 12: You know how Republicans said inflammatory rhetoric like they use is going to get more people killed? Well apparently that doesn’t include lying about Zohran Mamdani. Fuck Ted Cruz. More: Mediaite

Note 13: And speaking of Zo, look at how much fun this man is having running for mayor…

Note 14: If you’re ever tempted to think Joe Rogan is seeing the light, just remember that he’s a moron, a bigot and an all-around piece of shit. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We’re pretty shocked, but even SCOTUS doesn’t buy Trump’s bullshit about Lisa Cook. We’re sure he took it well. More: CNBC

Note 16: We’re pretty disgusted by all the comedians performing in Saudi Arabia, but Bill Burr talking about how much “the royals” enjoyed his show makes us want to shit ourselves with rage. Don’t have heroes, kids. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 17: Here’s video of us being respected around the world again. It just sounds like world leaders making fun of Trump though.

Note 18: Brendan Carr’s bitch ass is gonna have to testify in front of the Senate over fucking with Jimmy Kimmel. We bet he’s not talking so tough then. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, it ain’t exactly happy. RIP to Jane Goodall. We thought it was important to share this message from her about how we have to hold onto hope.

Note 20: And on that tear-jerking note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week despite the shutdown and all the dumbfuck fascism. So we totally understand if you’re not having a good week. Love y’all!

Fascism is here
Every fucking day there are stories from America that we would be horrified and outraged by if we saw in other countries. But this story out of Chicago has our goddamn blood boiling. ICE did a raid on an entire apartment building, and marched out naked, zip-tied children, separated them from their parents and pushed them into fucking U-Hauls. Trump’s goons have snipers repelling down buildings. IN AMERICA!!! If this country doesn’t care about this evil shit, then we might not have a soul that’s worth saving. More: Chicago Sun-Times

Fight back
The White House is continuing its war on higher education, having the pro wrestling lady send a letter to 10 universities on Wednesday, shaking them down and making demands if they want federal funding. The administration is shitting all over international students and trying to force Trump-loving dipshits onto faculty. Universities who sign the “compact” wouldn’t be able to consider sex or race when hiring. Universities who submit to government control will get “preferential” funding. But if they do something Trump doesn’t like, then they have to pay it back. It is our great hope that these schools will tell the president to eat shit. More: Reuters

So much winning
We are now in Day Two of the shutdown, and it’s not going great for the GOP. A new Washington Post poll out this morning shows that 47 percent of Americans blame Trump and his party for the shutdown compared to 30 percent who blame Democrats. And a whopping 71 percent want Trump and Republicans to extend the Obamacare subsidies that they’re letting expire. In other words, Democrats are winning the shutdown. Trump and his scum have made it clear this is about politics, and by telegraphing their plans to punish Americans in Blue states they have lost the argument. Hold the line. More: The Hill

Today’s clips
Israeli forces have intercepted an aid flotilla bound for Gaza that was being closely watched around the world, boarding boats and detaining activists including Greta Thunberg who were seeking to break the blockade of the Palestinian enclave. More: NBC News

After the government shutdown began Wednesday morning, furloughed employees at an agency within the Department of Health and Human Services were told to set an out-of-office message in their email accounts blaming Democrats for the situation, according to an email obtained by HuffPost. More: HuffPost

Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) cut off CBS anchor Tony Dokoupil when he suggested a Trump talking point wasn’t “strictly true,” interrupting to call it a “flat-out lie!” More: Mediaite

A New York City rapper who joined President Donald Trump during a campaign rally last year has been sentenced to five years behind bars after he admitted he used earnings from his music career to fuel gang violence in Brooklyn. More: Associated Press

Two regional jets clipped each other on the ground at LaGuardia Airport in New York on Wednesday night, officials said, in the latest incident involving close calls or collisions of passenger aircraft this year. More: NBC News

Jane Goodall’s analysis of Donald Trump’s behavior as being chimp-like went viral online again following the primatologist’s death at the age of 91 on Wednesday. More: HuffPost

Read some Sexy Testimonials from some Sexy Patriots

“You guys bring some levity to this mess but are always spot on with the truth.(And I consider myself a sexy patriot)” -Tom Devereaux

“You guys are the croissant to my morning coffee and after a year, it only seems right that I start paying for the nutrition you provide me with. Oh...and I love who you deem good guys and bad guys!” -Sam Quinn

“because you say it as it is and more!” -Monica Salinas

“Antidote to MAGA” -Michael Hamway

“Your sharp, witty humor helps me manage my frustration, disappointment, anger at our country and the Dumbfuckistan people.” -Annette Sanders