A Noemish Nightmare

Happy Friday. There are 536 days until the midterm elections. Coming for Comey again, the brain worm butthead lied (shocker!) and a Noem nightmare.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We’re trying to teach it to smoke too.

Note: Huddle up, Sexy Patriots! It’s pep talk time! Now look, we know things are dark and bleak and scarier than Ted Cruz’s google history. But we still have so much to fight for, we still have our righteousness and we still have each other. Also, we have ass-brained three-toed lunatic Marjorie Taylor Greene to make so much fun of…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! THE POLL SHOWED HER LOSING TO OSSOFF BY EIGHTEEN FUCKING POINTS!!! Herschel Walker only lost to Warnock by two!!! God this is so fucking funny. We would have given anything to have been there when Trump had to tell her she’s a trashy loser. Well not really because they both look like they smell really bad and we don’t want to be anywhere near that shit. Anyway, it got even better when Marge put out a statement showing just how angry she really was that the mega-embarrassing poll numbers leaked and it made us laugh so fucking hard that a little pee came out.

So thanks for being the worst, Marge. Your humiliation sustains us, and we needed the laugh. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Mediaite

Note two: While the beltway journos are talking about Joe Biden’s abilities, the current president of the United States is now posting about how Taylor Swift is “no longer ‘HOT.’” God this shit is so embarrassing. We’re sure Jake Tapper is all over it. More: Variety

Note three: Politico has a story out today headlined “Dems confront the first real litmus test of 2028: Biden’s mental acuity.” Can you believe this crap?! While we’re staying out of the primaires, you can bet we will work against any candidates who feel like they have to suck up to Politico by trashing Biden and his supporters. Fuck Politico. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note four: The new head of FEMA said that the agency has no disaster-response plans even though hurricane season starts in two weeks. But we bet he got rid of all the DEI, and isn’t that what really matters? More: CNN

Note five: Are beltway journos seriously talking about Biden’s mental abilities when this dumb sonofabitch keeps discovering the word groceries?

Note six: Ugh. Russia and Ukraine met for peace talks in Turkey today and they didn’t last very long. Probably because Russia doesn’t want peace. More: Reuters

Note seven: HHS is going to stop recommending covid shots for pregnant women and children. So we’ll do it for them. Get your shots! More: StatNews

Note eight: We honestly don’t know what to do with this one. A serial killer praised Trump just before being executed in Florida. Game recognizes game. More: NBC News

Note nine: The State Department has been trying to force African countries to buy Elon Leon’s Starlink shit. Aren’t you glad this is how your tax dollars are being spent? More: ProPublica

Note 10: It will never stop being shocking to us that Republicans claim to support law enforcement while fucking over cops who saved their miserable goddamn lives.

Note 11: Remember Ed Martin? He’s the sleaze who just had his nomination to be D.C. U.S. Attorney pulled because he pals around with Hitler impersonators and cop-beaters. Well now he’s facing an ethics investigation. Wonder what he did. More: The Hill

Note 12: Florida got rid of fluoride. Of all the fucked up shit to get rid of in Florida, we would not have put healthy teeth at the top of the list. More: NBC News

Note 13: Tiffany Trump had a baby. So there’s another Trump in the world. Gross. More: The Hill

Note 14: Trump addressed the troops in Qatar. It was just as appalling and inappropriate as you would assume. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Just a reminder that Republicans are going to cut Medicaid, and it’s so obvious that they’re having a hard time lying about it.

Note 16: Some pretty scary shit at SCOTUS yesterday as the right-wing extremists on the court are seriously thinking about letting Trump edit the Constitution and change how we become citizens. More: HuffPost

Note 17: NBC has a story about how rat-eater-and-fucker Stephen Miller is actually president now. It’s pretty goddamn horrifying. More: NBC News

Note 18: Well this is scary. Justscrewed Dacouch (JD) Vance is going to the new pope’s first mass. Protect the pope! More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to New Jersey, where the Trump personal attorney who is going after Newark’s mayor was booed to hell and back because America hates her. Music to our ears.

Note 20: And on that satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We’re wishing you a great weekend. Take some time to unplug, recharge and thank the stars that you’re not Marjorie Taylor Greene. Love y’all!

This isn’t funny (but it kinda is)
The Trump administration wants to throw James Comey in jail. And we should probably say something. Yeah, Comey used sea shells to write out “86 47” on the beach and Trump and his team are saying it’s an assassination threat and that Comey should be arrested. And this creates quite a dilemma for us because we hate James Comey and we really don’t give a shit what happens to him. Alas, we should probably still oppose this since it’s bad to lock up your political enemies over bullshit charges. But we don’t like it. More: ABC News

Brainworm bullshit
When he wasn’t just generally grossing us out the other day, RFK Jr. was busy lying to the United States Senate. Sen. Angela Alsobrooks pushed the deranged HHS secretary on the hundreds of scientists he and Elon Leon have fired. So RFK Jr. just lied about it and said he hasn’t fired any scientists. Thank you to Alsobrooks and Huffington Post for laying out just how egregious a goddamn lie that was. More: HuffPost

The puppy-killer strikes again
So it’s safe to say that DHS Secretary Kristi Noem is a terrifying psychopath. But this is fucked up even for her. Noem is proposing a reality competition where migrants get to compete for citizenship. If you’ve ever seen the 1980s film The Running Man, then you know just how insane this is. Except this version won’t even have Richard Dawson as host. We’re dealing with some truly sick fucks and the beltway media is talking about Joe fucking Biden. C’mon, man. More: The Hill

Today’s clips
Elon Musk’s xAI on Thursday evening made its first public comment about the latest controversy surrounding Grok, writing in a post on X that an “unauthorized modification” caused the chatbot to generate variations of a “specific response on a political topic.” More: NBC News

President Donald Trump ranted about White Genocide and lashed out at the reporter who asked a “nasty” question about his South Africa refugee policy. More: Mediaite

House Republicans are fighting over how much their “big, beautiful bill” should cut rich people’s taxes — and it’s gotten ugly. More: Huff Post

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