A Little Excursion

It’s Thursday. There are 236 days until the midterm elections. Trump goes for revenge on the guy who exposed his pedo ring, the Iran War is costing a fortune and we’re not forgetting about those dead

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And there’s not a damn thing any of us can do to stop it.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We were just about to congratulate you on making it through another week, and then we realized it’s still just Thursday. That’s always a good feeling. The kind of feeling that makes you want to go back to bed and not wake up until you’re smarter than this dumb motherfucker…

Oh it doesn’t make sense to you, Mr. Expert Man? Well that’s not a surprise since it’s not a dumbbell or a bong. How the effing fuck are we supposed to have a proper country when millions of Americans are turning to this cracked not-so-magic eight ball to learn what’s going on? Joe is surprised the guy who attacked the U.S. Capitol also attacked Iran? Gosh. Do we think maybe Joe Rogan is a fucking idiot? Is he gonna discover gravity on his show today? Is he gonna lick whatever someone puts on the end of a stick? Or maybe today’s the day he discovers he can light farts on fire and his tiny brain explodes in amazement.

Our biggest takeaway from the podcast bros discovering that the president is an erratic and emotional dumbfuck is that Americans really need to stop listening to the moronic ramblings of someone who looks like something Lou Ferrigno crapped out. Because if the manosphere is shocked and appalled that Trump is being Trumpy, then they’re too goddamn stupid to be in this conversation. But that was always true. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you want more ranting like that, get caught up on yesterday’s Therapy Session. We had some laughs and did some cussing.

Note three: So we promise not to get in the habit of linking to Suckass CBS, but this is an important story about how horrific our troops’ injuries really are and we felt compelled to share. But also, fuck CBS. More: CBS News

Note four: Shoutout to Bluesky user Darin Self, who helped us realize that Trump keeps calling his stupid war an “excursion” because he confused it for the word “incursion.” So yeah, everything is really, really stupid.

Note five: Even though we do the election countdown every day, this still got our attention. Have you gotten involved yet?

Note six: We’re not the biggest Gavin Newsom fans, but it is notable how he lives rent free in Trump’s giant empty head. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Kash Patel is going to have UFC fighters train FBI agents. Maybe the UFC guys can find Nancy Guthrie. More: Deadline

Note eight: The Pentagon is barring photographers because Petty Pete Hegseth doesn’t like how he looks in the pictures. But don’t worry. We’re sure he’s leading our troops in a healthy and well-adjusted manner. More: Independent

Note nine: We know we’ve said this before, but John Fetterman is a fucking disaster. We can’t tell if his brain is broken or his soul is, but something sure ain’t right with this asshole. More: Mediaite

Note 10: Props to this PBS reporter for pushing back on Trump’s election lies. We need more of this and we need it fast.

Note 11: The brain worm felcher guy had surgery on his shoulder. Look who believes in modern medicine now. Why didn’t he just rub some crystals and some unicorn shit on it? More: NBC News

Note 12: John Cornyn is trapped in a run-off and he’s really not having a good time. His latest move was to flip on the filibuster and then cry when NBC asked him about it. More: NBC News

Note 13: We’ve learned a lot the last few years. One of the things we learned is that the ADL is fine with antisemitism from rich white guys, but it has a real problem with people with brown skin. Talk about a massive disappointment. More: Jewish Insider

Note 14: Epstein’s accountant testified yesterday. So yeah, a stupid war ain’t making this story go away. More: Associated Press

Note 15: We have literally never seen a man sweat through his whole suit. Guess when Jake got knocked the fuck out it must have messed up his sweat glands too.

Note 16: Americans are rationing medicine and delaying retirement because of healthcare costs. Is this the fucking golden age or what? More: NBC News

Note 17: Have y’all seen Energy Secretary Chris Wright on tv the last few days? Is it possible he’s the dumbest Cabinet member? We always assumed Hegseth, but we weren’t familiar with Wright’s game. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Last night Trump said the Strait of Hormuz was doing great. Today, Iran’s new Supreme Leader said it will stay closed. We miss the days when we could believe the president of the United States over Iran’s Supreme Leader. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to the World Baseball Classic so you can see what things look like here at AltMedia HQ while we’re writing the newsletter…

Note 20: And on that wide awake note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week. Unless you’re Joe Rogan. In which case you can go inject some Ivermectin in your little weiner and then fuck off to hell. Love y’all!

Rooting for Massie
Trump is so mad that he and his friends have been exposed for participating in a child rape ring that he flew Air Force One to Kentucky to attack the guy who exposed it. You wouldn’t know this from the mundane ho-hum media coverage, but Trump is literally trying to take out a Republican member of Congress because he pushed to release the Epstein files. How the effing fuck is that not a huge scandal on its own? We’ve never had any big love for Massie, but he’s been a champ on this shit and we hope he wins. We would love to see that meltdown. More: NBC News

But fuck your student loans
The first six days of Trump’s stupid war costs us $11.3 billion. And yeah, that makes us so fucking mad that steam is coming out of our fucking ears. We don’t have money for healthcare, we don’t have money for cancer research, we don’t have money for anything except death and destruction. How fucking dumb can a country be?! And this is just the start. Trump can obviously see this is all going south so he posted this morning that the U.S. is actually making money because the price of oil is up. So you can at least take comfort in that when you’re paying $5 a gallon. Oh and the Iranian regime is still in control!!! More: NBC News

We won’t forget
Whether it’s the Epstein survivors or the 168 little girls killed in Iran, Donald Trump seems to think we’ll forget about the children he has hurt. We won’t. There have now been multiple reports that confirm it was U.S. missiles that hit that school in Iran using outdated intel. When asked about it yesterday, Trump pretended not to hear the question and then said he didn’t know anything about it. Fox’s Peter Doocy made no effort to follow up or press him on the issue. Democrats have sent a letter to the Pentagon demanding answers. Well almost all of them did. John Fetterman didn’t because he is an evil piece of shit. We’re not gonna forget this heinous war crime, and we’re sure as fuck not gonna forget the people who looked the other way. More: The Hill, More: Mediaite

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump reportedly told House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) that “nobody gives a f*ck about housing” in reference to a Senate bill addressing the very issue. More: Mediaite

NEW YORK/WASHINGTON, March 11 (Reuters) - U.S. intelligence indicates that Iran’s leadership is still largely intact and is not at risk of collapse any time soon after nearly two weeks of relentless U.S. and Israeli bombardment, according to three sources familiar with the matter. More: HuffPost

UNITED NATIONS (AP) — U.S. and Israeli strikes on Iran have damaged at least four cultural and historical sites, including palaces and an ancient mosque, raising alarms about the impact of the widening war on protected landmarks that are important to Iranian identity and world history. More: Associated Press

LOS ANGELES (AP) — It’s still technically winter, but it’s starting to feel like summer in Southern California with forecasters predicting unseasonably hot weather, including temperatures around 93 degrees (33.8 Celsius) in downtown Los Angeles. More: Associated Press

In an opinion piece for Fox News published Wednesday, pro-Palestinian activist Mahmoud Khalil warned Americans that they could be the next targets of the Trump administration’s attack on the First Amendment. More: HuffPost

After claiming the impossible dozens of times over the past few years, President Donald Trump used appropriate expressions of percentage price reductions in a local news interview. More: Mediaite