‘A campaign of organized brutality’

It’s Thursday. There are 292 days until the midterm elections. CBJ lies to America, Senate Republicans cower and Trump attacks Minnesota.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t blame protesters for ICE violence.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We have much to discuss today. The president continues to terrorize Minnesotans while also establishing a Qatari slush fund with stolen Venezuelan oil. We’re gonna need a lot of energy, so we better fill up on a nice breakfast of a single cheerio and some horseshit. But guys, you’re so hot and why would you eat such a meager and weird breakfast? Well because this is Trump’s America…

Welcome to the Soviet Union, y’all. Yeah, this crazed idiot is telling us all how we can subsist on crumbs while President Cankles J. Fuckhead builds himself a $400 million ballroom. Are we at the pitchfords and torches phase yet? Because we really want to be at the torches and pitchforks phase. Or maybe we just vote these sonsofbitches out and then imprison them forever.

But you’ll notice that she didn’t tell us what the “other thing” we’re allowed to have with our piece of chicken, piece of broccoli and our single tortilla. It’s shit. Yeah, they’re telling Americans we can eat shit. Well, we’ve devised our own food pyramid for Trump officials, and we’d like to cordially invite them all to eat our asses. Oh shit. Here comes RFK Jr. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you missed yesterday’s therapy session because Elon Leon is doing more awful shit, you can catch up on YouTube here or Substack below. We’re aiming to do another one tomorrow.

Note three: We can’t vouch for this website, but we trust some of the people we’ve seen sharing it. StandwithMinnesota.com if you want to help the brave Americans who are taking a stand against fascism.

Note four: We are going to say this as nicely as we know how — if you’re an elected Democrat who votes to fund ICE, then don’t ever ask us for a dime or a vote and don’t you dare come to us bragging about meaningless reforms. We’ll be too busy supporting your primary opponent. Because if you won’t stand up now, then you never will. More: The Hill

Note five: Speaking of gutless, pathetic Democrats we now hate, check out Peter Welch hanging out in the Oval and kissing some orange ass yesterday.

Note six: European troops have arrived in Greenland. Thank god we’re respected around the world again. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Did you order a Trump phone? We’re just kidding. But also, it was a scam. More: NBC News

Note eight: Trump fell asleep again yesterday. We really wish people would stop waking him up. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Thanks to the piece of shit Biden judge who is fine with Trump terrorizing Minnesota. JFC how the fuck did this person get nominated and confirmed?! More: Mediaite

Note 10: Trump’s poll numbers are a shit-covered disaster. Maybe the press should start acting like it.

Note 11: Trump keeps saying he’s standing with Iranian protesters. We do too, but we wish he’d stop attacking and killing American protesters. More: NBC News

Note 12: We weren’t kidding about Trump hiding Venezuelan oil money in Qatar. Makes us wish we had some kind of White House press corps. More: The Hill

Note 13: Imagine throwing away your whole family to kiss Trump’s ass and then calling someone else a “pissant.” These folks really hate Americans, don’t they?

Note 14: With all the chaos going on, it’s easy to forget that Mike Little Johnson is a terrible Speaker of the House who embarrasses himself on the reg. More: Mediaite

Note 15: We’re sending love and support to Ukrainians, who are trying to get through a brutal winter with no power. We used to be the kind of country that would do something about this, but that was before our president started blowing Putin. More: Associated Press

Note 16: It’s gonna cost $125 million to change the name to the Department of War. This country might be too dumb to survive. If it were a baby, it would constantly be licking electrical sockets. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We don’t want to speak ill of Trebek, but he would never…

Note 18: The mainstream media don’t give a shit, but Trump has taken healthcare away from 1.4 million Americans so far. Maybe this was the concept of his plan all along. More: Protect Our Cure

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you back to Minnesota. We don’t know who the anonymous heroes are who threw a bottle of piss at these whiny assholes, but we are big fans. Fuck ICE.

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week. Don’t overdo it with your piece of broccoli. It has to last you all week. Love y’all!

Bullshit Bari
Yesterday, a week after a piece of shit murdered Renee Good in cold blood, DHS told CBS that the officer had “internal bleeding” that was caused by Good. This was a lie so egregious that only the corrupt dumbshits at CBS under Bari Weiss would fall for it. Except other news organizations went with it too. And it got worse. Last night ICE shot someone else in Minnesota. They immediately pushed a fishy story that the press couldn’t run with fast enough. How many fucking times does DHS have to get caught lying before the press stops helping them do it? NO GODDAMN LINK

Chickenshits
Remember last week when a handful of Senate Republicans defied Trump and voted to limit his war powers? Well they flipped back yesterday. Josh Hawley, known to run and pee himself at the first sight of danger, was easily the most pathetic. Yeah, Trump called and threatened these wimps, and they folded. They said he assured them there would be no troops on the ground in Venezuela. And if you can’t trust the Jan. 6 guy, then who can you trust. We’re tempted to send one of our balls to Hawley to borrow, but we know he’d just give it to Trump. More: Associated Press

Stand with Minnesota
After a night of ICE violence against innocent Minnesotans, Trump this morning threatened to invoke the Insurrection Act to send in the military. This is what he and Stephen Miller have wanted from the beginning, and honestly, we fucking dare them. In remarks last night, Tim Walz said that Trump and ICE are engaged in “a campaign of organized brutality.” We are so blown away by the courage of Minnesotans who keep going out to protest even though they know ICE might kill them and their elected officials will accuse them of “taking the bait.” Now is the time for our politicians to get in the streets with the people; not give anti-protest talking points to Fox News. Hang in there, Minnesota. We love you, and we’re with you. More: HuffPost

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump is set to meet Thursday at the White House with Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado, whose political party is widely considered to have won 2024 elections rejected by then-President Nicolás Maduro before the United States captured him in an audacious military raid this month. More: Associated Press

Rep. Jared Moskowitz (D-Fla.) called out House Republicans on Wednesday for the presence of Stewart Rhodes, founder of the far-right violent militia group Oath Keepers, at the first hearing for a new GOP-led panel related to the deadly Jan. 6, 2021, attack. More: HuffPost

Podcaster and former Navy SEAL Shawn Ryan ripped into President Donald Trump’s White House, accusing the administration of “protecting pedophiles” by not fully releasing the Epstein files. More: Mediaite

The Department of Health and Human Services is reinstating $2 billion in funds to address substance abuse and mental health after the department said it would cancel funds the day before, an administration official confirmed to NBC News. More: NBC News

Three more Democrats said Wednesday that federal prosecutors contacted them following their participation in a video urging members of the military and the intelligence community not to follow illegal orders. More: NBC News

A state appeals court is being asked to dismiss felony voter misconduct charges against an Alaska resident born in American Samoa, one of numerous cases that have drawn attention to the complex citizenship status of people born in the U.S. territory. More: Associated Press

Ashley St. Clair, the mother of Elon Musk’s infant son Romulus, accused the billionaire of allowing “sexually explicit images” of minors on his social media platform X on Wednesday, including AI-generated images of “children covered in fluids.” More: Mediaite