99 Days

It’s Monday. There are 99 days until the midterm elections. Humiliation for the beltway media, a scary week in Springfield and the lies about Iran are piling up.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it would never eat dinner with Donald Trump.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you? Fired up and ready to go? Yeah, us too. Because it’s time to put on our Sexy Patriot game faces and fuck up some Republicans. We are now officially inside of 100 days until the midterm elections. Early voting will be here in like 15 minutes. This is not a drill. This is our last chance to save this fucked up country before it sticks its dick in the electrical socket for the last time.

And we won’t sugarcoat it. This won’t be easy. The deck is stacked against us. We’re up against Trump, a well-funded GOP, the MSM, Fox News and the right-wing media, Russia, Twitter, TikTok and the corrupt fucks at Meet the Press. Just look at this shit…

Grrrrr. Does that piss y’all off as much as it does us? Good. Because there is no fucking universe where you would ever catch us laughing it up with that little nazi shit. If we were invited to this dinner, we would say no. Or we would show up and poop on the floor. Like real media.

So yeah, we’ve got our work cut out for us. But that’s ok. It’s not new. We’ve been up against it for the last decade, and we are still here. So please give it all you got, Sexy Patriots. Pick your races. Pick your candidates. Get invested. Get involved. We’ve got 99 days to make Trump eat shit, so let’s make them count. America is depending on us. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We have more serious shit to talk about today, but check out this interview with Lauren “Bad Botox” Boebert. Yikes. More: HuffPost

Note three: Last week, the scum who murdered Melissa Hortman, her husband and their dog was sentenced to two life terms plus 40 years with no possibility of parole. The U.S. attorney made clear at the sentencing that this was about politics, and the murderer was a right-winger. If only the MSM gave a shit. More: Twin Cities, Star Tribune

Note four: That disgusting attack is now part of the U.S. Senate primary in the state, and we’ll let y’all decide just how fucked up this is. More: HuffPost

Note five: Here’s the president of the United States last week admitting he is totally clueless about Trump Shitting Disease. Can you imagine the coverage if Obama… oh fuck it.

Note six: We’re sending love to Seattle after a shooting there. Maybe we should do something about this dumb gun shit. More: NBC News

Note seven: The president completely lost his shit yesterday, posting for hours on Truth Social while the beltway media stared at their shoes and pretended not to see it. We need one of those big dog-catcher nets from the old cartoons. More: HuffPost

Note eight: This made us smile. There are at least some consequences for the Jan. 6 scumbags. More: NBC Washington

Note nine: Bibi Netanyahu took a break from murdering people to go on Fox News and lie about the mayor of New York City. We remember when this asshole ran the same playbook on Barack Obama. We didn’t like it then, and we sure as shit don’t like it now. More: The Hill

Note 10: And look at this freakshow and his violent rhetoric. Why is any of this ok? And why aren’t more Democrats speaking up for our guy? More: Bluesky

Note 11: Lindsey Graham’s funeral is tomorrow. We just assumed he’d want to be stuffed and kept at Mar-a-Lago. We wish we could be there to piss on his grave, especially after seeing the footage of him getting horny over war. More: CNN

Note 12: We’re sending love to Berlin, where a psycho shithead attacked a Pride parade. Fuck. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We have decided to just go full-on fan boy for Jon Ossoff. This is our midterm spirit animal.

Note 14: In the age of sellouts and cowards, Weird Al is standing tall. Bless this man. More: Variety

Note 15: It looks like South Carolina will be voting first in the 2028 Democratic primaries. We actually hate this process because all the different states get butthurt and we get a million pieces about why the order means we hate some people or love others. Oh well. More: NPR

Note 16: Mitch McConnell is still alive. Or that’s what many people are saying. Others aren’t so sure. More: Yahoo News

Note 17: Trump is making bigoted anti-trans jokes while his neck goes full vulva…

Note 18: Man, things are not great at the DNC, and we’re gonna need to talk about it. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to the Savannah Bananas because everyone needs a break from the crazy sometimes. This is what we call a wild pitch!

Note 20: And on that dazzling note, let’s go do some news! We sure appreciate y’all giving us a three-day weekend to rest and recharge. Now we are ready to rock n’ roll, and we’ve got 99 days to do it. Who else is ready to rock? Love y’all!

Dinner with Dipshit

The White House press have refused to ask Donald Trump about his sexual abuse and defamation of E. Jean Carroll. If you saw clips from the White House correspondents dinner this weekend, then you know why. It’s just one big cozy club. Both the president and the press thoroughly embarrassed themselves this weekend as Trump’s routine bombed and yet the captive beltway bootlickers still smiled and clapped along. Even the reporters who won awards for their Epstein reporting, still smiled and shook the guy’s hand. The lowlight of the night was probably Trump’s anti-trans attack on Kaitlin Collins. But there were many to choose from. It’s ok. We’ll be the media now.

More: CNBC, Hollywood Reporter

If You Pray

Then please pray for the Haitians in Springfield, Ohio. Thanks to the Supreme Court, about 300,000 Haitians who have been living here legally are now eligible for immediate deportation. And according to the chodes at CBS News, Trump and his goons are ready to go in and start doing mass deportations. Tom Homan has spent the last several days doing interviews and insisting that no mistakes were made in Minnesota, so we know he’s fine with murder and incompetence. Let’s hope the scenes out of Springfield this week are peaceful. But let’s be prepared for the alternative.

More: CBS News

Lies, Lies and More Goddamn Lies

For all of Trump’s talk about winning in Iran, it’s pretty clear at this point that he doesn’t have the cards. The president has decided not to do further attacks, partly because we’re running out of missiles and partly because he is trapped in a quagmire of his own making and surrender is probably the only way out. This reality comes as we are learning that Trump and the Pentagon are playing games with the way they report casualties, removing and adding some names as they try to game what is and what isn’t a war. And in addition to the 18 dead soldiers we know about, it seems there are hundreds more who are injured and we aren’t hearing about. If only the press spent the weekend digging into this instead of dining with dumbass.

More: ABC News, Al Jazeera

Today’s clips

PARIS (AP) — A wildfire in southwest France grew so powerful that its smoke column became a thunderstorm, generating lightning that struck the ground and ignited new fires beyond the original blaze, French officials said. More: AP

MILFORD, Mich. (AP) — President Donald Trump plans to tout his handling of the economy during a visit to suburban Detroit on Monday, defending sweeping tariffs in a swing state where their effects have hurt many businesses as midterm election season heats up. More: AP

MIAMI (AP) — Attorneys for social media influencers Andrew and Tristan Tate will meet with federal prosecutors in Miami on Monday to work out a schedule for the potentially monthslong process of fighting extradition to the United Kingdom, where the brothers are accused of rape and sex trafficking. More: AP

At least 40 million people were under extreme heat warnings across central and southern parts of the United States on Sunday as high temperatures and severe humidity gripped large swaths of the country for a second straight day. More: AP

BETHLEHEM, Pa. (AP) — The stage is in battleground Pennsylvania. The stakes are control of the House.

House Democratic leader Hakeem Jeffries on Sunday unveiled the party’s Fighting for an Affordable America agenda, as he kicked off 100 days until the midterm electionsand works to focus voter attention ahead of November. More: AP

Carly Simon has revealed she has Parkinson’s disease. More: NBC News

BANGOR, Maine — Former state Senate President Troy Jackson officially became Democrats’ Senate nominee in Maine, starting a 101-day sprint to Election Day in a nationally watched, must-win race for his party. More: NBC News

Actor David Jonsson will star as the new Black Panther in “Black Panther 3,” the next installment of the hit Marvel films, director Ryan Coogler revealed during a panel at San Diego Comic-Con on Saturday. More: HuffPost