Woke B**ches

It’s Thursday. There are 264 days until the midterm elections. Gallup goes gutless, America misses the sleepy guy and Trump runs out of juice.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can call out Pam Bondi’s bullshit all day long.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you gorgeous freedom fighters today? Actually don’t answer that. We already know. Us too. We basically live in a rage fog these days. And we started wondering if that rage was blinding us to the plight of our fellow human. Like, are we too mean to ICE fuckheads? Should we stop calling them fuckheads? Should we stop wishing they would eat their own shit and then crap themselves into oblivion? Have we been too harsh?

The answer of course is no…

Yikes. Yeah, who would’ve guessed that the fucking dirtbags who ran to collect signing bonuses to join Trump’s fascist secret police would turn out to be fucking dirtbags? Oh right. Everybody. Because of course Trump went out and recruited some of the worst fucking people in the country, gave them guns and masks and told them to go fuck up brown people. But still, we figure it’s worth hearing them out. So here’s an interview with an ICE agent…

Us: What’s up, shitstain?

ICE agent: Hey guys! I’m sure I’d love your newsletter if I could read.

Us: You wouldn’t get it. So how’s sucking going? You enjoying being a nazi piece of shit?

ICE agent: Duh I can’t hear you because I just accidentally shot off both of my balls and one of my ears.

Us: Then use the other ear, dumbass. We asked if you enjoy being a nazi piece of shit.

ICE agent: Well darn. There went the other ear.

Us: Jesus. You’re officially too fucking stupid to interview.

ICE agent: WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! I JUST SHOT OFF MY DICK.

Well that went about the way we thought it would. You couldn’t tell from the interview but in addition to his mask he was wearing his underwear on the outside of his jeans and a parking cone on his head. And he was one of the supervisors. Y’all have a blessed day. And fuck ICE.

Note two: Well, we tried to have a therapy session yesterday, but Sam called in from the Stone Age because his power was out and he is irresponsible about keeping his phone charged. Let’s try again today, shall we? How about 4 p.m. ET/ 1 p.m. PT?

If you missed yesterday’s chaos here it is!

Note three: The piece of shit ICE agent who shot Marimar Martinez has finally been placed on leave. This comes after the dirtbag was hailed by Tiny Greg Bovino. We need to lock these people up. More: Chicago Sun-Times

Note four: Idaho families are suing after ICE rounded up a shitload of people, including kids, divided them by ethnicity and detained them for four hours. The group included American citizens. But let us repeat this part again — THEY WERE DIVIDED BY ETHNICITY. More: NBC News

Note five: We couldn’t decide which part of Bullshit Bondi’s blowup to post today, so we went with this one where her lunatic ass is screaming about the fucking Dow for some reason…

Note six: The goddamn Olympics kicked out that Ukrainian dude who was wearing a helmet to honor his dead countrymen. But they let Russians compete. Make it make sense. More: Yahoo Sports

Note seven: This Yale professor in the Esptein files is REALLY fucking gross. And what’s worse is that he’s really not sorry about it. Hey, Yale, maybe you should fire this fucking creep. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Speaking of firing Epstein creeps, why the effing hell is Casey Wasserman still in charge of the LA Olympics? More: Associated Press

Note nine: You know how we know we ain’t in the golden age? This is a story about how middle class Americans are selling their goddamn plasma to pay bills. Thanks, Trump. More: NBC News

Note 10: We had somehow missed that Trump had the rainbow flag removed from the Stonewall Inn. What a fucking asshole. Thank you to everyone who isn’t taking this shit lying down…

Note 11: You know how we were told yesterday that the El Paso airport was shut down because of cartel drones? Well that was bullshit. Ol’ Passed Out Pete was shooting lasers at party balloons. We wish we were kidding. More: ABC News, BBC

Note 12: So this should be a way huger story than Note 12, but Bondi got caught spying on House Democrats and tracking which parts of the Epstein files they search. We’re sure Lindsey Graham will be all over this. More: CBS News

Note 13: If you ever wonder how we got here, just reference this handy little factoid…

Note 14: House Republicans passed a bill yesterday that would disenfranchise millions of Americans, including lots and lots of married women. This shit better die an ugly death in the Senate. More: PBS

Note 15: Man, we were fucking wrecked to hear about James Van Der Beek yesterday. He was 48. Same age as Sam. Please get your colonoscopies. RIP. More: HuffPost

Note 16: You might think you know just how crazy the looney fuckers behind the Georgia raid really are. But we promise you don’t. More: Talking Points Memo

Note 17: As furious as we were at Bullshit Bondi yesterday, we were equally in awe of the survivors who showed up. Their courage is pretty goddamn inspiring. If they can keep going, we sure as shit can too.

Note 18: Ok this is pretty funny. Mike Little Johnson and Republicans are begging a Florida rep to stay in office, and it’s pretty obvious he’s heading for the door. And that would be the (brief) end of Little Johnson’s majority. Retire, Neal! Go play shuffleboard or some shit! More: Politico

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the Winter Olympics in Milan Cortina. U.S. Gold Medal figure skater Amber Glenn went on IG and declared, “they hate to see two woke bitches winning.” Amazing. And coincidentally, that’s what we’ve called ourselves for years. Thanks for speaking up, Amber! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that victorious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good and warm week. Unless you work for ICE. Then we hope someone pisses in your coffee. Love y’all!

BREAKING BONUS HAPPY ENDING: Congratulations to the people of Minnesota on their defeat of a tyrannical federal government. It came at a high cost, but Trump and his thugs are retreating. GET THE FUCK OUT!

Gutless Gallup
After tracking presidential approval ratings for 88 years, Gallup has suddenly decided to stop. And yeah it’s probably because the current asshead has shockingly low numbers. In fact, the last time Gallup measured Trump’s approval rating, it came in at 36 percent. As several people noted, Gallup also made a change the first time Trump was in office, proving this is clearly about cowardice. Fortunately, Gallup pollster Shaenon Garrity is here to help by sharing the email address where you can express your dismay. You can reach them at galluppanel@gallupmail.com. More: The Hill

Missing Sleepy Joe
So this is kind of wild. This story is paywalled, but the gist of it is that three recent polls make clear that America misses Joe Biden and think he did a better job than the shithead. We told y’all earlier this week we were shocked to see a survey from Trump-friendly pollster Rasmussen that had Biden ahead by 8 freaking points. And this story is coming from Axios! They kiss Trump ass like most of us breathe! Joe Biden is a damn good man, and he was a damn good president. It just sucks it took electing a disaster for people to see it. More: Axios, Rasmussen Reports

Not so tough
How do we know those polls are real? We’ve been burned before. Well, just look at how Republicans are acting. Those who aren’t retiring are very slowly starting to find their spines. Despite having a House majority, Trump lost two House votes this week, including one yesterday smacking down his idiotic tariffs on Canada. Quite a few of them even managed to call out Trump’s racist post about the Obamas that the media has already moved on from. The truth is Trump is out of juice, and everyone from the Democratic Party to the mainstream media need to act like it. A year ago, Trumpism seemed inevitable. Now we know it’s not. More: CNN, NBC News

Today’s clips
A Florida handyman who received a pardon from President Trump for storming the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, has been convicted of multiple state charges of child molestation and exposing himself to children, prosecutors told NPR. Andrew Paul Johnson, the pardoned rioter, attempted to bribe one victim with money he claimed he would receive as part of restitution for Jan. 6 defendants, police reported. The conviction is the latest case of a pardoned Capitol rioter committing new crimes after receiving a pardon. More: NPR

The latest release of Epstein files opened a window into the extensive documented relationship Bannon and Epstein shared over about 18 months — from January 2018 until the day Epstein was arrested in July 2019 on federal charges of abusing dozens of underage girls. Bannon had planned to go to Epstein’s mansion in New York the next day, according to one text exchange, but the night of the arrest, he got a text from Epstein’s number: “All canceled.” More: NBC News

Six survivors of Jeffrey Epstein’s abuse and two members of another accuser’s family said they felt “degraded” during Wednesday’s contentious House Judiciary Committee hearing, at which Attorney General Pam Bondi refused to face them and apologize. More: NBC News

Attorney General Pam Bondi falsely claimed in her sworn testimony to Congress Wednesday that Jeffrey Epstein’s partner in child sex trafficking was not transferred to a “lower-level” prison, even though her Justice Department moved Ghislaine Maxwell to a “Club Fed”-type facility last summer. More: HuffPost

A little more than a month after the U.S. captured Nicolás Maduro and his wife, Cilia Flores, the country’s interim leader, Delcy Rodríguez, told NBC’s Kristen Welker that Maduro is the “legitimate president” of Venezuela. More: HuffPost

Manchester United co-owner Jim Ratcliffe said Thursday that he’s sorry if some have been offended by anti-immigrant comments. More: Associated Press

Nebraska’s Republican secretary of state will turn over sensitive information on every registered voter in the state to the U.S. Justice Department on Thursday after Nebraska’s highest court rejected a legal effort to block the move. More: HuffPost