What we’re naming after Melania

It’s Wednesday. There are 468 days until the midterm elections. Trump and Epstein’s wedding (not to each other), Obama kinda pushes back and making cover-ups great again.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s also using some really gross imagery today, but that’s Melania’s fault.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We have much to discuss today, including how Trump and the Republican Party keep executing a cover-up in plain sight. But first, we think we should all take a minute to point and laugh at this truly stupid and embarrassing shit…

Dear god we are a freaking joke. We know it’s hard being the Worst Lady who nobody respects and who can’t get on the covers of fashion magazines because she’s total trash, but this is absurd. What the fuck does that moron know about opera? Or anything really? Don’t answer that. We know how y’all think, and we know exactly what comments were coming. And while we love them and laugh at them, we do wonder if we’re being too harsh. Actually, we don’t ever wonder that. But just in case we will offer a compromise. But be warned, it’s not for the faint of heart or easily nauseated.

We recently came across an old and decaying outhouse. Inside that outhouse was a hole filled with the shits of a thousand morons. And inside that pile of moron shit was the corpse of a possum that clearly died while having gross sex with a pack of rabid skunks. Much of the possum had already decomposed, but its gross, maggot-infested buttcheek was still intact. And that is literally the only thing on this whole goddamn planet that we are willing to name after the trashy fucking idiot who married Trump and calls herself the first lady.

So everyone, it is our pleasure to announce the Melania Trump Maggot-Infested Dead Possum Buttcheek is now open! Congrats! You earned it, Mel! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: LOL! Three days ago, the mainstream media told us all that Trump’s base was reunited by the Wall Street Journal’s gross b-day card story. Now the fucking Oath Keeper Scumbags are warning Trump over Epstein. Amazing. More: HuffPost

Note three: Thanks to everybody who joined us for yesterday’s therapy session. If you missed it, you can catch up here. Believe it or not, this episode contains two different pop culture references to the Alamo.

Note four: You won’t believe this but Trump, Bullshit Bondi and Alina Habba are making a damn mess in New Jersey. Ok so you will believe it. More: NBC News

Note five: It’s been a rough week with both Malcolm-Jamal Warner and now Ozzy Osbourne both dying. We were HUGE fans of both. This was our favorite Ozzy tribute we saw…

Note six: In an effort to show us just how tough he is, Trump confessed to the world yesterday that his bribe from CBS was much bigger than originally reported. Bless your poor stupid fucking heart if you still think Colbert was canned for financial reasons. More: Mediaite

Note seven: It sucks that Trump is basically in charge of the next Olympics. At least we’ll always have shitty breakdancing in France. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Senate Democrats just voted to advance yet another spending bill. We’d love to welcome them to the resistance some day. More: The Hill

Note nine: Florida’s statewide prosecutor is going after a restaurant for hosting a Pride event. So that’s how fucking backwards Florida is these days. More: Associated Press

Note 10: This is the president of the United States literally coaching his party on now to deflect questions about his involvement with a child sex trafficker by accusing a former president of treason. Looking good, America!

Note 11: Mike Lee fell for another hoax. He is not a smart man. The rat genitals he was born with on his forehead must have messed up his brain. More: Mediaite

Note 12: It’s amazing and horrifying how many old Trump-is-an-icky-creep stories are making the rounds again. We had blocked some of them from our memories. It was nice. Because they make us want to Purell our brains. More: HuffPost

Note 13: The Pentagon sent out a memo saying they’re gonna be monitoring the bathrooms to make sure there’s no trans people using the wrong (or right) bathrooms. Thank goodness. Because we wouldn’t want things getting weird like the fucking Pentagon monitoring the fucking bathrooms. We bet it ends up just being hours of footage of Nancy Mace deeply inhaling poop fumes. More: 404Media

Note 14: Hey, we don’t think you should worry but the Nuclear Weapons Agency was part of a Microsoft hack. Ok maybe you should worry a little. More: HuffPost

Note 15: It is seriously mind-blowing how obviously guilty this guilty sonofabitch is…

Note 16: We often link to Axios because they don’t have a paywall. But we’re rethinking this after the organization’s founders wrote a pathetic ass-kissing piece today about how Trump “crushed his first six months.” We are constantly learning that the beltway press are Trump supporters, and it is fucking infuriating. NO LINK ON PURPOSE

Note 17: How bad are things for Republicans right now? Rep. Mike Lawler just announced he’s running for reelection instead of running to be governor of New York. That was almost a good call, Mike. But we’re gonna take that House seat too. More: Politico

Note 18: Be warned that this story might make you want to break some shit. It’s about how Trump has basically kicked all women out of military leadership positions. We’re shocked that the rapist president hates women so much. More: The Atlantic

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to the world of tennis where Venus Williams just became the oldest woman to win a singles match since Martina Navratilova. That’s the happy part. The sad part is that Venus competed so she could get her health benefits back. Cool country!

Note 20: And on that bittersweet note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is going wonderfully. Unless you’re Melania. She can go suck hog anus for all we care. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note 21: BONUS NOTE! Here’s Ozzy’s Crazy Train. It’s one of our all-time favorite songs and a perfect soundtrack for America right now as we’re “going off the rails on a crazy train.” Maybe it’s not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate. More: YouTube

Who caught the bouquet?
We have to give credit to CNN’s investigative team for unearthing pictures and video of Trump and his best friend Jeffrey Epstein hanging out. They have footage of the two men at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Gross. They even have proof that Epstein was at Trump’s second wedding. The best part? CNN called Trump and he lost his shit before hanging up on them. The cankles president is flat out losing his shit, and this constant drip of reminders that they were in fact best friends might just drive him crazy. Or at least crazier. More: CNN

A response!
Maybe we’re being dicks about this, but if someone was accusing us of treason and threatening to arrest us for bullshit reasons, we wouldn’t release a statement from a spokesperson. But that’s what former President Barack Obama did yesterday after Trump made it clear he intends to use Obama as his human shield to try and weather the Epstein storm, if we can mix metaphors. In a statement from a spokesman, the president we really miss said that the accusations from the current president, who we all really hate, are “outrageous” and “bizarre.” He also said Trump’s bullshit was a “weak attempt at distraction.” We appreciate how much respect for the office the former president has, but we sure wish he’d said what Trump was trying to distract us from. Maybe he’s right to play it cool. He probably knows more about politics than we do. More: NBC News

Cover-up summer
Yesterday we talked about how Mike Little Johnson was shutting down the House for six weeks to avoid having to vote on releasing the Epstein files. But we thought it was important to once again point out how scandalous and abnormal this is. It’s also a test for the beltway media (they will fail). You just can’t imagine Nancy Pelosi shutting down Congress to protect a sex creep. So we have six weeks to make them eat this Epstein shit every damn day. Keep in mind there is a bipartisan effort to force the release of the files, and Mike Little Johnson would rather shut down Congress than vote on it. Thank goodness he’s such a good Christian. Enjoy your vacation, Mikey. More: Associated Press, HuffPost

Today’s clips
The popular social media influencers known as the Nelk Boys received a wave of criticism this week following their interview with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, claiming they’re not “the best at grilling guests and pushing back.” More: HuffPost

Ian Maxwell, the brother of convicted child sex trafficker and Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell, thanked President Donald Trump on Tuesday for making a “positive statement” about and showing “humanity” towards his sister. More: Mediaite

President Trump on Tuesday announced that his administration had reached an agreement with Japan on trade, which would see the U.S. impose a 15 percent tariff on Japanese goods. More: The Hill

A viral video that captured sheriff’s deputies punching a Black man during a Florida traffic stop is sparking outrage — and prompting authorities to launch an investigation into the February incident. More: HuffPost

Columbia University announced disciplinary action Tuesday against students who participated in a pro-Palestinian demonstration inside the Ivy League school’s main library before final exams in May and an encampment during alumni weekend last year. More: Associated Press

A Texas man who fled “woke” America for Russia with his family in pursuit of traditional values, documenting the journey on YouTube, has reportedly been sent to the Ukrainian front to fight in President Vladimir Putin’s war. More: Mediaite