We’re so sorry, Canada

It’s Tuesday. There are 546 days until the midterm elections. An early gift in Georgia, a win in North Carolina and Canada comes calling.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it isn’t kissing orange ass like the governor of California is.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s Tuesday, and that often means people somewhere are voting. If those people are voting near you, then please join them. Legally of course. And please vote for the non-dumbshit candidates. We’re especially looking at you, Cincinnati. Because you’ve got a candidate who’s at least half-dumbshit running for mayor. And his name is Jellopenis Disease (JD) Vance’s half-brother!

Oh dear god no. How fucking awful is it to learn that there’s another fucking Vance out there?! That’s one family tree the dogs all like to piss on. But there’s more! Not only is there Jugly Dimwit (JD) Vance and this half-brother dunce in Cincy, but there’s also a third brother named Frederick Ulysses Vance. That’s right — FU Vance. We caught up with FU to find out about his brothers…

Us: Um hi.

FU Vance: Hey guys! Big fan of the newsletter! It’s way better than my creepy dickhead brothers.

Us: Oh so you’re cool and smart and not an asshole?

FU: Totally. There’s only two ends to a couch and my brothers had it covered. So I read and talked to girls and became normal and stuff. I even know how to order ice cream like a human.

Us: That’s really great, FU Vance. So what can you tell America about your brothers?

FU: I’ll just say that this country is like every piece of furniture in our house — totally fucked.

So we have to come clean and tell you we made all that up. There is no Frederick Ulysses Vance. We just wanted a good reason to say “FU, Vance” over and over again. Hey Cincy, please don’t vote for that asshole. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Are we alone in thinking it should have been bigger news that the president of the United States said “I don’t know” when asked if he should follow the constitution? Like it’s only the whole fucking purpose of the oath of office. More: ABC News

Note three: We love this story so much. Ann Telnaes left the Washington Post because those cowards wouldn’t print her cartoon making fun of Bitch Bezos. She just won her third pulitzer. Suck it, WaPo. More: Associated Press

Note four: Can someone explain to us why Gavin Newsom is still kissing up to Trump and even posting “Make America Film Again?” Why the fuck would any Democrat ever support Kim Guilfoyle’s ex ever again for anything? More: Business Insider

Note five: We were gonna save this for the Happy Ending, but we could all use more joy and cuteness these days…

Note six: Remember Rep. Cory Mills? He’s the Republican who allegedly assaulted his mistress, leading interim U.S. Attorney Ed Martin to cover it up. Well Mills is back in the news for lying about being a military hero. Sounds like a really cool guy. More: NOTUS

Note seven: Mike Pence is an ass-kissing loser boy. But goddamn it sure is fun watching him take a blowtorch to Trump’s bullshit policies. We can’t believe we’re saying this, but go git ‘em, Pencey. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Remember Harriet Hageman? She’s the freak who replaced Liz Cheney. She’s also so fucking dumb she thinks the Gulf of Mexico is next to California. More: Mediaite

Note nine: Trump declared war on Colorado last night because they arrested, tried and convicted a woman of tampering with voting machines. She also assaulted a cop, but they let her slide on that. Let’s hope Colorado fights back. You never know with Gov. Jared Polis. More: The Hill

Note 10: There is good news in the world as Rihanna is pregnant again. Congrats, Ri Ri!

Note 11: How fucking funny is it that birds keep attacking that Doocy shithead? The birds know. More: USA Today

Note 12: Passed Out Pete Hegseth is going to get rid of 20 percent of four-star officers. As Jamelle Bouie pointed out, it’s very clear Pete is trying to re-segregate the armed forces and get rid of Black and women leaders. More: Air and Space Forces

Note 13: Linda McMahon and Trump are attacking Harvard again. And they’re doing it in very Trumpy way. We hate having to defend Harvard, but this is absurd. So yeah, go Harvard! More: The Guardian

Note 14: The top inspections guy at the FDA just quit. That’s probably bad, right? More: CBS News

Note 15: Goddamnit. We have this exact same outfit. How the hell are we supposed to wear it now?

Note 16: It’s official — toys are getting more expensive because of Trump. Guess Vance and Elon will just have to play with themselves. More: HuffPost

Note 17: It’s very sad that Trump is destroying small businesses in this country. It’s even sadder that his diehard supporters have been reduced to going on CNN and begging him for relief. Wait until they discover he doesn’t give two shits about them. More: HuffPost

Note 18: We don’t know about y’all, but we are damn curious to see what AOC does next since she no longer wants the top Oversight gig. If we were Schumer, we’d be sweating. Of course, if we were Schumer, we just wouldn’t be chickenshits. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to the Met Gala. If you’ve noticed a theme today, it’s because we were leading up to this. Goddamnit, America, this could have been us!

Note 20: And on that stunning note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week so far. And we really hope that Junkyard Dogballs (JD) Vance’s brother loses bigly today. Love y’all!

Run, Marge!
Democrats got a big win yesterday when Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp announced that he won’t be running against Sen. Jon Ossoff next year. Kemp was easily the strongest candidate to take on Ossoff, so this is a big sigh of relief. But it gets better. This also increases the likelihood that Marjorie “Jewish Space Lasers” Taylor “Dick Pic” Greene will get in the race. There is only one candidate who could make Herschel Walker look good, and that candidate is Greene. So yeah, we basically fucking dare her to run. More: Politico

Victory!
You know how Republicans have been trying since November to steal a state Supreme Court seat in North Carolina? Well yesterday even a Trump judge said what they’re doing is wrong. A U.S. District judge said Monday that Democrat Allison Riggs’s win should be certified. This shit ain’t over yet as the Republican can still appeal to the Fourth Circuit and/or SCOTUS, but this was a big win for Riggs and democracy. More: Associated Press

O Canada (we’re sorry)
Newly elected Canadian PM Mark Carney is in DC today, meeting with the asshole who keeps insulting and attacking his country. Trump and Commerce Secretary Howard Nutlick continued to insult Carney and Canada just yesterday. Frankly, we think Carney should have told Trump to eat shit, but we suppose he has a job to do. Let’s hope Trump doesn’t fuck around and get us in a shooting war with our neighbors to the North. If we had to bet, we’d say Trump will cave because he’s a wimp and that’s what he does. More: NPR

Today’s clips
The U.S. trade deficit in goods and services soared to a record $140.5 billion in March. Year-to-date, the deficit has increased 92.6%, as companies and consumers rush to import goods before President Donald Trump's sweeping global tariffs increase on July 6. More: NBC News

After years of delays, people boarding flights domestically in the United States will need to present REAL ID-compliant forms of identification at airports in a major change for travelers across the country. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump’s Department of Justice sided with the Biden administration’s defense of mifepristone on Monday in an ongoing federal lawsuit over the abortion pill. It’s an unexpected move for the anti-abortion administration, and experts warned HuffPost that it’s actually a calculated political move to delay the war on abortion care. More: HuffPost

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth ordered the abrupt cancellation of U.S. weapons flights to Ukraine in February — without President Donald Trump’s knowledge — leaving top national security officials blindsided and scrambling for answers, according to internal records. More: Mediaite

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