We’re on a boat

It’s Thursday. There are 327 days until the midterms. All eyes on Indiana, more about that mo’ and losing the Danes.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it wouldn’t be caught dead at George Santos’s holiday party.

Note: Avast, ye Sexy Patriots! Dumbshits ho!!!! No, it’s not talk-like-a-pirate day. But since our moron president is now bragging about stealing ships, we thought we’d get in on the action…

Yay! Who’s ready for another war over oil? That’s just some classic American yuletide fun, right? Now it turns out that this seizure was probably legal, probably over Iranian oil smuggling and not about drugs. So it’s probably a good thing Trump and Pete Hegseth didn’t murder everyone on board. But still, we had some questions so we reached out to an expert. Here now is the ghost of Blackbeard…

Us: Hey Blackbeard!

Blackbeard: Argh! Hey guys! Love the newsletter!

Us: Thanks, Blackbeard! So what do you think of what you’re seeing from Trump with this ship?

Blackbeard: Argh! There be dumbfucks here. They’ve got less brains than god gave the kraken’s buttcheeks.

Us: Oof. That seems bad.

Blackbeard: Your Pirate Pete might drink like a damned wretch of the sea, but he’s no pirate. He wouldn’t even make a good parrot. It shivers me timbers to see a dumbass like that pirating.

Us: You’re running out of pirate references, aren’t you?

Blackbeard: Aye! But remember these words — Trump is a fucking idiot.

Well that was pretty neat. It’s not every day you get to talk to a dead pirate about how stupid the president is. And besides, Trump should heed the words of Mr. Burns and remember that the only ship that’s worth a damn is friendship. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Did you miss our therapy session yesterday? Well you can catch up here. If you have a sweet tooth like Sam, you won’t want to miss the part about our favorite holiday treats.

Note three: The woman who won the Nobel prize had to sneak out of Venezuela to get to Oslo. The most embarrassing part for us? She had to warn the Americans so we didn’t blow up her boat. More: HuffPost

Note four: Whoa. We knew Trump was fucking up on the economy, but we didn’t know literally everyone else knew it too. The AP has his approval rating on the economy at 31 percent. And this ain’t like golf where lower scores are better. More: Associated Press

Note five: The Santos holiday party was real. And real scummy. We hate it here. More: Mediaite

Note six: Here’s some more corruption that would have been front-page news with any other president. Dipshit got his fake peace prize from FIFA, and then a week later DOJ decided to drop corruption charges against two FIFA officials. Probably just a coincidence. More: PBS

Note seven: Another badass pop star is telling the Trump White House to eat shit. This is one of many reasons we love SZA. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Remember that fucking asshole who asked Zelensky why he wasn’t wearing a suit? Well he’s leaving the White House beat and moving to Georgia to be with his girlfriend, Marjorie Taylor Greene. So that’s his punishment. A life with Marge. Karma, motherfucker. More: HuffPost

Note nine: You know all those wars Trump ended? Well they’re still happening. We know. We can’t believe it either. More: Associated Press, Associated Press II

Note 10: The thing is, this almost made sense. Powell is, in fact, a Deadhead. But he’s not the Fed Hair.

Note 11: You know who’s having a great holiday season? Measles. Thanks, brain worm dipshit! More: NBC News

Note 12: You wouldn’t know it from the White House, but Americans in the Pacific Northwest are getting slammed by rains and flooding. We’re sending love. More: NBC News

Note 13: Are we the only ones who find this AI crap boring as hell? At least they didn’t give it to asshead.

Note 14: The Senate is voting on healthcare bills today. They won’t pass either and millions of Americans will be totally fucked. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! More: NBC

Note 15: We haven’t seen the latest South Park, but we want to say again just how much we enjoyed watching those guys eviscerate Trump and couchdiddler. More: Mediaite

Note 16: Barron Trump is a fan of accused rapist and trafficker Andrew Tate. This is not surprising, but it sure is gross. More: Mediaite

Note 17: We freaking love the movie Mean Girls, but we had no idea Amanda Seyfried wasn’t here for the bullshit. Tell ‘em, Amanda.

Note 18: The world’s rich assholes can now bribe their way to becoming Americans. Makes you feel good, don’t it? Like a goddamn Lee Greenwood song. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, here’s a real president acting like a real president and not being a total piece of shit. It’s a nice change of pace.

Note 20: And on that desperately needed note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week and not doing any dumbass piracy. But if you do steal a ship, come pick us up and let’s blow this joint. Love y’all!

Hoosier daddy?

Yeah, we used that last week but it was good so we’re using it again. Today the Indiana state Senate will decide if it’s Trump’s bitch or not. After the GOP’s bullshit redistricting went through a Senate committee earlier this week, it seems likely that the rest of the caucus will go along. Especially since Trump keeps threatening them all. Yeah, this kinda thing used to be a scandal. Frankly, we dare them to do it. Because after they do, we’re going to redraw maps in Virginia and elsewhere. They started this stupid war, and we’re going to win it.

More: NBC, HuffPost

About that mo’

So on Tuesday, Democrats had a big night. Winning races across the country and getting a big flip in a George statehouse seat that had been gerrymandered red. But that ain’t all. Thanks to the good folks at Bolts Mag, we now know that Democrats flipped 21 percent of all GOP seats that were in-play. For Republicans, the number of flips was zero. There’s something big coming, y’all. We can feel it in our bones.

More: Bolts Mag

Just great

Welp, Denmark doesn’t trust us anymore. And you really can’t blame them. Apparently a Danish security agency has labeled the United States a “potential security concern.” Are they nuts? There’s no potential about it. We are definitely a security concern. For the Danes and everyone else, including ourselves. We suppose this was bound to happen when Trump threatened to steal part of their country, but it’s still embarrassing as hell.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

For years, Sen. Ron Johnson has been spreading conspiracy theories and misinformation about COVID-19 and the safety of vaccines. He’s promoted disproven treatments for COVID-19 and claimed, without evidence, that athletes are “dropping dead on the field” after getting the COVID-19 vaccination. Now the Wisconsin politician is endorsing a book by a discredited doctor promoting an unproven and dangerous treatment for autism and a host of ailments: chlorine dioxide, a chemical used for disinfecting and bleaching. More: ProPublica

The House voted to pass a sweeping defense policy bill Wednesday that authorizes $900 billion in military programs, including a pay raise for troops and an overhaul of how the Department of Defense buys weapons. More: AP News

President Donald Trump said Wednesday he thinks it’s “imperative” that CNN is sold as its parent company, Warner Bros. Discovery, gears up for a proposed merger with Netflix and faces a hostile takeover bid from Paramount. More: NBC

Hours after the University of Michigan fired Sherrone Moore as head football coach, alleging he had an “inappropriate relationship” with a staff member, he was in jail, according to booking records. More: NBC

Fox & Friends issued a sharp on-air rebuke Thursday, targeting conspiracy theories promoted by Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens about Charlie Kirk’s killing, marking one of the clearest public breaks yet between Fox News and two of the most influential figures in conservative media. More: Mediaite

The Trump administration plans to require travelers from more than 40 countries to provide their social media histories from the last five years to enter the U.S., according to a notice published Tuesday in the Federal Register. More: NBC

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, who heads the agency central to President Donald Trump’s mass deportations agenda, is expected to face fierce questioning from Democrats on Thursday as the public face of the Republican administration’s hard-line approach to immigration. More: AP News