We Need More, Dick

It’s Wednesday. There are 111 days until the midterm elections. Trump wants ICE to kill more innocent people, E. Jean gets her money and Mike Little Johnson doesn’t know anything.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it plays dangerous games with commas.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Today is the day Todd Blanche appears before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Today is the day that Trump’s slimy personal attorney gets questioned by our senators for 10 minutes each. We’re gonna need their best. We’re gonna need them to fuck this dude up. And we’re gonna need more than this from Dick Durbin…

Sigh. We’re gonna need more, Dick. Longtime readers know that we are not the biggest fans of Richard Lester Durbin (We’re just kidding about his middle name because Dick Les made us laugh). He’s a nice enough dude who has done a lot of good, but he is also the type of dude who thinks Lindsey Graham was a good friend and person. We’ve watched this sweet weak motherfucker get rolled over and over again. That can’t happen today.

Todd Blanche is a corrupt sleazebag who is literally at this moment breaking the law by covering up the Epstein files. This is the freaking dude who moved Ghislaine Maxwell to a cushy country club prison. If Blanche is claiming he made mistakes, then he can do that under oath.

So we are begging our senators, especially Durbin, to eat their Wheaties, put on their war faces and give Todd Blanche the kind of Dick he deserves. We need good Dick today, and we don’t care who knows it! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Trump’s idiotic speech about election fraud is tomorrow night. AOC says the networks shouldn’t carry it. She’s absolutely right. More: HuffPost

Note three: Remember when Trump claimed he was gonna drain the swamp? Well FCC officials were taking gifts from Paramount while considering their merger. This is so goddamn corrupt. More: ProPublica

Note four: Elon Musk broke election laws in Wisconsin. So when is he getting locked the fuck up? More: NBC News

Note five: If you want to know why so many people find Democratic Socialists attractive, simply look at this graph. It frankly makes us want to buy a fucking guillotine.

Note six: Some asshole who works for Hilton Grand Vacations thought he could be a racist piece of shit to a WNBA player. Now he’s looking for work. More: AP

Note seven: Trump’s war in Iran is going pretty badly. He has no idea what he’s doing and he seems fine with that. Meanwhile, gas is about to get really expensive again. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Pete Hegseth is a racist, sexist piece of human garbage. Refusing to promote women should be a much bigger goddamn story. More: New York Times

Note nine: We don’t know who this freaking weirdo is who keeps kissing Melania’s ass, but he sure is weird. More: HuffPost

Note 10: If you want to know why Trump is so afraid of Jon Ossoff, well, just watch this ad…

Note 11: We sure love living in Trump’s America where you can wake up to headlines like “The Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak is About to Get Much Bigger.” More: Wired

Note 12: Lindsey Graham is still dead.

Note 13: Condolences to France fans on their World Cup loss yesterday. Who y’all got today between England and Argentina? More: The Guardian

Note 14: Susan Collins is trying to put the ICE murder in Maine on Democrats. And Democrats are not fucking having it. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We regret to inform you that the president of the United States is still losing his war against the Reflecting Pool…

Note 16: There was a time when it would have been a big deal that a United States senator went on television and spread batshit insane conspiracy theories and then just said nevermind. But it’s Ron Johnson so people are used to it. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We don’t like daylight saving time anymore than anyone else. But we’re pretty sure Republicans want to make it worse. More: AP

Note 18: Trump just endorsed Mike Lindell for governor of Minnesota. Hilarious. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’d like to congratulate President Joe Biden on his new memoir. And we’d like to thank him for holding the publishing date until after the midterms. Phew. But seriously, congrats Joe! More: AP

Note 20: And on that congratulatory note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Please join us in hoping for a strong Dick today. We all really need it. Love y’all!

Murderer

Yesterday Susan Collins was bragging that she got Trump to stop ICE from doing traffic stops like the one that killed her constituent earlier this week. This morning, Trump declared that ICE should immediately get back to traffic stops. And this comes after another ICE murder in Florida yesterday. ICE and its murders are extremely unpopular and all-around bad politics. But Trump is a cruel and violent man, and he simply can’t help himself. Enjoy defending this shit, Susan.

More: AP, AP

Hell yeah!

Before we came up with that hilarious Dick joke, we were going to make today’s opening note all about how hero, E. Jean Carroll. Yesterday she did what few have done, and she beat Trump. She persisted in ways we can’t begin to fathom and she got the $5 million plus interest that the man who sexually abused and defamed her was refusing to pay. We would like to offer our congratulations and sincere thanks to Carroll and her attorney Robbie Kaplan.

More: PBS

Fuck This Dude

This wasn’t the biggest thing in the news yesterday, but it really pissed us off. Mike Little Johson said he couldn’t answer questions about the shooting in Maine because he hadn’t seen it. What? Dude, nobody fucking believes that and everyone is sick and fucking tired of being lied to. Imagine how quickly this charade would end if a reporter asked him how he can continually be so ignorant. Fuck Mike Johnson.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

WASHINTON (AP) — Kathryn Ruemmler, the former top lawyer at Goldman Sachs who was White House counsel to President Barack Obama, is set to face questioning before a House committee Wednesday about her relationship with Jeffrey Epstein. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Jay Clayton, President Donald Trump’s pick to head the nation’s intelligence agencies, will testify before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Wednesday, weeks after Trump abruptly delayed his nomination. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A large coalition led by the Rev. Al Sharpton and the family of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. will mark the anniversary of the historic March on Washington next month with a march for democracy. More: AP

PHOENIX (AP) — Pat Oliphant, an influential political cartoonist known for creating caricatures of U.S. and world leaders, died Monday. He was 90. More: AP

Having diarrhea is already a miserable experience, but it might be even worse if it’s caused by the parasite cyclospora, which is transmitted by feces-contaminated food and water, and is causing upset stomachs throughout the nation. More: HuffPost