We Love Coach Walz

Today’s Big Stuff. October 23, 2024.

It’s Wednesday. There are 13 days until Election Day. A huge sigh of relief in Georgia, John Kelly finally speaks up and the pay-off for a Trump “judge.” 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s how we keep from losing our shit.

Note: Sexy Patriots! So great to see y’all today. You’re looking sexier and more patriotic than ever. Someday you simply must tell us your secret. Us? We look like shit, but that tends to happen when we’re this close to an election and pondering whether this is the last two weeks of America. But at the same time, we keep seeing so much shit that just fills us to the brim with joy. Like Coach Walz making fun of Elon Leon for jumping like a weirdo…

Yessssssss. This is the way. Dipshit is one of the best words, and Coach Walz wields it like a pro. But our beautiful day of joy didn’t end there. Coach’s beautiful takedown was followed by one of our most favoritest things in the world — bad shit happening to Rudy Giuliani! 

Yeah, in a long and growing list of public disgraces for ol’ Doodie Pooliani, this might be the new number one. Rudes has to give up his Manhattan apartment and a bunch of luxury shit to Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss and holy shit we hope someone is already making this movie because we want to watch it tomorrow. They went through absolute hell because of that face-pooping ghoul and now they’re taking his shit. Justice!

We know things are butt-clench tense out there. We’re feeling it too. It’s terrifying. But there’s also a whole lot of goodness out there that we all really need to take a moment to appreciate. Like bad shit happening to Rudy Giuliani. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Feels good, don’t it? Y’all have a blessed day. More: CNN

Note two: Well, Trump went and gave a bunch of people E. Coli. Ok so we don’t know that for sure but there was an outbreak at McDonald’s and you-know-who was just there. Can you imagine how many STDs he put in the fries? More: AP

Note three: Tulsi Gabbard announced yesterday that she’s a Republican now. She then announced that water is wet and Trump is orange. Anyone here give a shit about which party this Putin trash is in? Ok cool. Us neither. Moving on… More: News Observer

Note four: This is strong but horrifying journalism from NPR. They went through all of Trump’s speeches and interviews and found more than 100 public threats to people he sees as enemies. We don’t think we’re on that list yet, but we’re sure trying. More: NPR

Note five: NBC’s Hallie Jackson wanted to know which concessions on reproductive rights VP Harris is prepared to make as POTUS. The answer was none and that’s a stupid fucking question.

Note six: The way-too-rich shithead who owns the L.A. Times stopped the paper’s editorial board from endorsing Kamala Harris. So if you subscribe to that fucking joke of a newspaper in what is essentially Harris’ hometown these days, then today is a good day to call and cancel it. It was probably a mistake to let all these billionaire dirtbags buy all our news media. More: Semafor

Note seven: Kamala Harris is participating in a CNN Townhall TONIGHT at 9 PM ET. More info here: CNN

Note eight: People who actually work at McDonald’s are less gullible than our national news media, and they’re calling bullshit on Trump’s stunt. More: Vanity Fair

Note nine: We’re gonna get to this in the news section but we couldn’t wait any longer. “I NEED THE KIND OF GENERALS THAT HITLER HAD?! WHAT THE EFFING FUCK?! More: The Atlantic

Note 10: Holy freaking shit! Obama dropped some Eminem bars at the rally in Detroit last night! Sure better than being on the same team as Kevin Sorbo, ain’t it? 

Note 11: Bill Gates dropped $50 million to help VP Harris win. So we will not be making fun of Bill Gates today. We’ll talk all kinds of shit about Elon though. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Yesterday we put this whole thing in the news section about David Plouffe’s assessment of the race and then we posted the wrong damn link. Here’s the right one. Sorry about that. More: CNN

Note 13: Here’s the thing though. Right after we read that story and wrote about it, we saw that the VP is going to Texas Friday. Now obviously she’s not going to try and win the state, but that still feels like the kind of thing you do when you’re winning. Of course, it’s also just important that she’s going there to highlight the war on women’s rights in the Lone Star State. More: The Hill

Note 14: And Coach Walz is making Sam super happy with a trip to Kentucky today. More: Axios

Note 15: It appears that Trump learned as much about being a fry cook as he did about being president…

Note 16: Even Trump’s campaign manager blamed him for Jan. 6. But then he got paid $22 million and decided an attack on the U.S. Capitol was no biggie. More: CNN

Note 17: Joe Biden brought out Dark Brandon to roast Trump over “concepts of a plan.” We love Dark Brandon. More: HuffPost

Note 18: If you’re like us — and we hope for your sake that you’re not — you’ve been sweating over what will happen if/when Trump declares victory on Election Night. Well, the VP says her team has a plan. And frankly, we needed to hear that. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we share with you the massive news that Vice President Kamala Harris has secured the critical and powerful endorsement of… the Insane Clown Posse.

Note 20: And on that unlikely note, let’s go do some news! We sure do love y’all, and we hope you’re being good to yourselves. Just know that you’re not alone and millions of your friends and neighbors are right there with you. And together, we’ve got this. See y’all tomorrow.

PS. Thank you to everyone who wished Adam a happy birthday. When he blew out the candles he wished for Trump to get his sorry orange ass kicked in two weeks. 

Georgia peachy

So we got some good news out of Georgia. Last week a judge said that Trump’s Trumpy state elections board couldn’t push through the crazy shit they wanted to push through. Well on Monday the state Supreme Court agreed and said none of this stuff is gonna happen this election. We dodged a big one here. Now let’s go win the state by such a big margin it doesn’t matter.

More: CNN

Now do it on camera

Gen. John Kelly, Trump’s former chief-of-staff, finally broke his silence yesterday after The Atlantic reported that he confirmed so many of the horrible things he had told people Trump said. That includes Trump praising Hitler, calling our fallen “suckers” and “losers” and screaming about how he wasn’t going to pay $60,000 to “bury a fucking Mexican.” He was talking about a dead Army private, for whom Trump offered to cover the funeral costs until he got the bill. Kelly then went on the record with the New York Times and confirmed all of this heinous shit. So yeah, Trump is exactly who we thought he was. Now let’s beat his ass.

More: CNN

Here comes the “judge”

Y’all wanna hear some total bullshit? ABC News got a hold of a document with potential hires for a second Trump administration and you’ll never guess who’s on it to potentially be his Attorney General — “Judge” Aileen Cannon. Yeah, the same joke of a judge who threw out Trump’s open-and-shut stolen classified documents case would be running the Department of Justice. And remember — as part of their immunity ruling, the Supreme Court said that conversations between a president and his AG are privileged. So yeah, we really really really need to beat this guy. And his fake judge.

More: ABC

Today’s clips

A rocket attack briefly forced Secretary of State Antony Blinken to go to an air raid shelter Wednesday after sirens rang out across Tel Aviv, a senior administration official told NBC News. More: NBC

Donald Trump on Tuesday claimed Kim Jong Un thought former President Barack Obamawas “a real jerk” and then agreed with the North Korean dictator. More: HuffPost