We Hate Illinois Nazis

Happy Friday. There are 165 days until the midterm elections. Trump celebrates killing free speech, Republicans run from the pedo slush fund (and D.C.) and vindication in Illinois.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it’s not afraid of Colbert like a total pants-shitting wuss.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, Donald Trump sucks at a lot of things. He’s a sucky president, he’s a sucky husband and he’s a sucky American. He’s just an all-around sucky suck-ass who sucks. But man, the thing he sucks at the most might be being a father. Look at this messed up shit…

LOLOLOL!!! He’s known his son for a long time? Man, you can just feel the fucking love, can’t you? Trump can’t even remember his son’s name and he’s named after Trump. We’re just shocked that the same guy who used to send his kids down to hang out with Michael Jackson (true story) would skip his son’s wedding to instead play golf and jerk off on Truth Social. And who’s the pregnant dude behind Trump? Is that Junior’s baby? Is that why he’s getting married? And is it true Junior is getting married to the pile of cocaine from the end of Scarface? Because they actually do make a nice couple.

We know there’s a lot of horrible shit going on, but most of it is happening because of the horrible shit in that video. So fuck him and his ugly family. Junior, we wish you all the happiness you wish for the rest of us. So none, you coked out fucking asshole. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Looks like Ebola is spreading rapidly thanks to Elon and Trump. Is there any way we can make sure those sonsofbitches get it first? We’re eager to see how they’re gonna kill Herman Cain again. More: AP

Note three: So there’s a big beltway kerfuffle over the DNC autopsy. We’re not playing along because it’s stupid. All of this, including the way it was handled, is stupid. We lost for a lot of reasons. Let’s not fucking do it again. More: NBC News

Note four: Mitch McConnell is furious about Trump’s slush fund for terrorists and pedophiles. Yeah, we were shocked. We had no idea Mitch was still alive. More: The Hill

Note five: Are the Knicks going to the conference finals? Because we’re getting into apocalypse territory here…

Note six: Mike Little Johnson and House Republicans were about to lose their vote to limit Trump on Iran, so they pulled the vote. Cowards. More: NBC News

Note seven: So Trump didn’t get anything on his China trip except humiliation. But that isn’t stopping him from doing Xi’s bidding. Dude sure has a thing for dictators. More: NBC News

Note eight: Even Fox News now has Trump’s approval rating in the 30s. And Republicans are stuck with him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! KEEP KISSING THAT ORANGE ASS, FELLAS! More: HuffPost

Note nine: We freaking love that Trump is going to Mike Lawler’s district. That way Lawler can kiss his ass and eat his shit at the same time. Good luck defending the economy, dudes. More: AP

Note 10: Now this is some messaging we can get behind…

Note 11: RIP to Kyle Busch. We didn’t know much about the NASCAR driver and he was probably all Trumpy, but man 41 is too damn young to die. More: AP

Note 12: You wanna hear something really fucking funny? Uncle Fester Fetterman thinks he has a future in politics. LOLOL! Sure, champ. You can also go play for Knicks and be an astronaut! More: HuffPost

Note 13: We hate this weird loser more every day. What the effing fuck is wrong with this dude?

Note 14: It’s so disgusting that Lupita N’yong’o has to defend herself from racist scum like Elon Musk. Why the hell isn’t Elon Leon being asked about his obvious racism? More: HuffPost

Note 15: For years now, right-wing Trump scum and former U.S. soccer player Alexei Lalas has made a living by being an asshole. But here’s a little secret — Lalas was a pretty shitty player who couldn’t hang with today’s crop. Also he looks like Trump’s anus. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Trump was going to sign an order regulating AI until an AI bro who used to work for him called him and told him to stop. It’s a great way to run a country, ain’t it? More: NBC News

Note 17: Just a reminder that few people in our party are doing it better than AOC these days…

Note 18: A District Attorney was putting student protesters through hell. And he just got removed from the case because he was using the nightmare to raise money. Disbar his ass! More: BoltsMag

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, here’s a real president and a real man wishing the best to Stephen Colbert. Thank you, Mr. President.

Note 20: BONUS HAPPY ENDING — We’ve always loved The Far Side comics, and we figured y’all might like this one too. We can’t put our fingers on why though…

The Jerk Store Called
So last night was Stephen Colbert’s final show, and he finished with Paul McCartney, who is a pretty great guest to get. And then Stephen probably went to celebrate a helluva run with friends and family and people who like him. But Donald Trump doesn’t have that so he was up at 2 a.m. celebrating the end of Colbert’s show and calling him a “total jerk.” So Trump hasn’t lowered prices or ended the Russian war against Ukraine, but he took down Colbert and that kind of stupid shit is really all Republicans care about anyway. We look forward to seeing all the great things Stephen is going to do in his future. More: HuffPost, Variety

Chickenshits
Republicans made a run for it yesterday. Yeah, Senate Republicans were supposed to push through their big bill to give more money to ICE thugs and instead they left Washington altogether. It turns out even Republicans are queasy about Trump’s slush fund to pay off dirtbag criminals, so they had Trump attorney (and AG) Todd Blanche come join them for lunch. It didn’t go well. In fact, it went so badly that they didn’t even vote and instead went on recess. That’s a shame. We’re really excited for every last one of these assholes to tie themselves further to Trump and all his dumb shit. More: AP

Sue Their Asses
Remember congressional candidate Kat Abughazaleh and the other badass protesters who were arrested outside the Broadview facility in Illinois? Well yesterday federal prosecutors dropped all the remaining charges against Kat and the Broadview Six, and it turns out there was some seriously fucked up funny business going on. The prosecutors were caught dismissing grand jurors who wouldn’t go along with their schemes and then got caught trying to cover it up. If anyone deserves some of that bullshit justice fund, it’s these folks. And Kat is already talking about suing these scumbags. Thank you to these tough-as-nails activists who have been in the streets fighting back. More: WTTW

Today’s clips
House Republicans on Thursday delayed a vote on a war powers resolution that would restrict President Donald Trump’s ability to continue U.S. military operations in Iran after it became clear that the legislation would pass. More: NBC News

The Democratic National Committee plunged into a fresh round of chaos Thursday after Chair Ken Martin was forced to release an autopsy report he commissioned about the failed 2024 presidential campaign. More: NBC News

HELSINGBORG, Sweden (AP) — NATO allies and defense officials expressed bewilderment on Friday at U.S. President Donald Trump’s announcement that he would send 5,000 U.S. troops to Poland just weeks after he ordered the same number of forces pulled out of Europe. More: AP

CORONA, Calif. (AP) — No one would call California Trump country. But a vicious U.S. House primary is playing out southeast of Los Angeles where two Republican incumbents wedged into the same district are fighting over their MAGA bona fides and loyalty to the president. More: AP

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — Tennessee officials on Thursday called off the lethal injection of Tony Carruthers, who was convicted of kidnapping and murdering three people in 1994, after his executioners tried and failed for over an hour to establish an intravenous line. Gov. Bill Lee announced soon afterward that the state would not try again for at least a year. More: AP

“Late Show” host Stephen Colbert ended his long-running series on Thursday with something unusual: He never mentioned President Donald Trump by name.

In fact, he only made one subtle reference about the president. More: HuffPost