Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s going as JD for Halloween. Will you help us move the furniture?
Housekeeping note: A HUGE thank you to all you Sexy Patriots who pushed us to #32 on Substack today! Not bad for two guys with microphones, questionable sleep schedules, and absolutely no tolerance for bullshit. We couldn’t do this without you. Love y’all! ❤️
Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, jealousy is an ugly emotion. But we live in ugly times so fuck it. We are jealous of every single person who has stood in line to get into a Trump rally and then given double middle fingers to President Asshead himself. It must feel so amazing. To be able to channel a decade of rage and mockery into that moment. To be able to actually respond to the sweaty dumbfuck who calls us scum. In other words, we want to be this guy…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Tom Hoyle, you fucking legend. How cool is that dude? How great was that moment? And how do we get one of our own? Something really magical has been happening since Trump left the confines of his tacky palace and started interacting with actual Americans — he has learned that Americans hate him and call him pedo-protector. And it has been glorious. He gets so mad and so orange that it just fills us with delight. You just know he’s throwing ketchup at night and then going right back to rage-pooping himself.
So how can we get in on this? Well, we vote. Because it’s basically the same thing. You wait in line, you make small talk and then you give the biggest asshole on the planet a view of your middle fingers. So let’s all be Tom Hoyle and embarrass the shit out of these people. Because, man, they really have it coming. FOUR FREAKING DAYS! Y’all have a blessed day. More: Yahoo News
Note two: We’re gonna start out on a sad note today and say RIP to Sir Patrick Stewart. What an awesome dude and what a loss for the world. More: AP
Note three: We always loved the song Summer of 69, so it’s damn cool to see Bryan Adams pushing back on Trump’s attacks on Canada. We’re sorry, Bryan! We’re sorry, Canada! More: HuffPost
Note four: We’re seeing a lot of good polling out of Kansas today, and we are choosing to ignore all of it. We just can’t let our minds go there. But you should. Especially if you’re registered to vote there. More: Emerson College Polling
Note five: The president is a pig. A very sweaty pig. He should get himself in shape.
Note six: People are voting big time. Let’s hope they’re all smart and decent and not moronic pieces of shit. More: AP
Note seven: We’re not the New York Times, so we’re not gonna pretend like this Alaska stuff is a real scandal. We’re more focused on the president being a rapist. NO GODDAMN LINK
Note eight: Hackers stole a shitload of money from the crypto geeks. LOL. What a shame. More: Yahoo
Note nine: It’s really pretty impressive how Jeanine Pirro manages to stand out for her incompetence in the Trump administration. That’s like being too drunk for St. Paddy’s Day. More: NBC News
Note 10: Hey so this is really fucking racist and antisemitic. Does Trump have to be a podcaster for the mainstream media to care?
Note 11: It seems pretty obvious that Trump is going to ramp up his stupid war after Tuesday. But man we sure didn’t expect a story about our troops having to learn to dig mass graves. WTF? More: Army Times
Note 12: Haley Stevens is finally going to campaign with the Democratic nominee. Thanks for doing the bare minimum, Haley. More: Detroit News
Note 13: We like to think we are the champions of JD Vance nicknames, but man we gotta give credit to Abdul for JV Vance. That’s just too good…
Note 14: You gotta hand it to Katie Zacharia. She got fired as White House press secretary, but she’s still finding ways to face-plant in front of the whole world. Keep talking, Katie! More: HuffPost
Note 15: It seems like one of Trump’s big plays next week is gonna be to attack California’s elections. Fuck him. Bring it on, sweaty. More: The Guardian
Note 16: Trump had his bribe plane do a low flyover over the White House last night as part of his Halloween party festivities. It scared the shit out of everyone in D.C. We really need to help those poor people get out from under the orange thumb of tyranny. More: The Independent
Note 17: LOLOL. Ken Paxton is out making Jeb Bush look like Elvis…
Note 18: We still don’t really understand what’s going on with Israel’s election. But we’ve got our own shit to deal with at the moment. More: HuffPost
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Ohio and another American hero. This was fantastic, and once again, we are so fucking jealous…
Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. Make sure to find a way to give Trump the middle finger. Maybe it’s by voting. Maybe it’s by donating. Maybe it’s by giving that sonofabitch the actual finger. Do what you feel like! Love y’all!
Ramascummy
After watching his campaign and public image go straight down the shitter, Vivek Ramaswamy has finally stopped running the ad featuring Amy Acton’s mom. Just to recap, Vivek found a mentally ill woman who is living in her car after running off with her daughter’s pedophile rapist and put her in an ad calling Amy a liar. Vivek then put $4 million behind the ad, while JD and Trump cheered him on. If the people of Ohio don’t punish this shit next week, then we might be done with Ohio because that would be pretty fucked up.
More: NBC News
The Lion Roars
Pope Leo, who originally hails from Chicago, just became the first Pope to vote in a U.S. election. We think that’s pretty cool. And we bet we know who he voted for. While Leo’s asshole brother is super MAGA, we have to figure that Leo is a Dem because he cares about immigrants and children and just generally not being a dick. To be honest, we still can’t fully wrap our heads around loving a Pope this much, but we’re just gonna go with it. Love ya’, Leo!
More: AP
Well-Oiled Machine
Yesterday Team Trump announced that he was coming off the campaign trail and canceling weekend events in Kansas and Iowa. A lot of people speculated he was coming off the trail to focus on an Iran War escalation, while others just read it as Trump surrendering because the polling numbers for Republicans are so bad. Whatever it was, Trump has flip-flopped and will not head back to the trail, and the events in Kansas and Iowa are back on. He must have heard us all laughing at him. As people who want Democrats to win, we’re happy to have the asshole back out there. Keep running that butthole mouth, Donnie.
Today’s clips
Michelle Beadle knows she never would have survived a career in sports media if she were as soft as Pat McAfee has proven to be lately.
ESPN took *College GameDay* to Salt Lake City last weekend to highlight the University of Utah, and McAfee made it clear he has no intention of ever returning after the school made him feel “*very, very uncomfortable.*” More: Awful Announcing
Christa Pike said Friday that she remains in constant pain and struggles to speak a month after surviving a lethal injection in Tennessee, a failure she blames on “incompetence.” More: AP
HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. (AP) — King tides have inundated parts of both U.S. coasts, flooding streets and sending seawater into homes and businesses in beach communities in California, Florida and the Carolinas. More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Senate is unlikely to act before the end of the year on a House-passed bill that would make daylight saving time permanent, defying President Donald Trump and dashing the hopes of Americans who don’t like having to change their clocks twice a year. More: AP
President Donald Trump’s announcement Thursday that he would stay home at his Florida club rather than travel to campaign in Kansas and Iowa this weekend seemed to be a fitting coda to a GOP midterms strategy built almost entirely on using the president to turn out Republican voters who otherwise would have stayed home. More: HuffPost
Congratulations. They are losing the midterms and Trump is throwing a fit. I wish he would vanish into the ether.
I don’t think there is much “line” to stand in, brother.