War on DC; Surrender to Russia

It’s Monday. There are 449 days until the midterm elections. JD covers for Epstein, Trump launches an attack on DC (again) and Putin comes to America.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s still nowhere near as obscene as the week Trump has planned.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots, and fuck CNN! Whoa! Yeah, we’re coming in hot this morning. Why? Well because we watched some limp-dicked d-bag tell his audience this morning that the Epstein story is a “nothing-burger.” Seriously. Watch this shit and try not to throw anything at the tv…

What the effing fuck is wrong with that gleeful little weasel? He’s like Cillizza without the rugged masculinity. Someone should tell his little bitch ass that this “nothing-burger” is about child rape and trafficking. What the fuck are we doing here? Why do we even have a political press if this is the kind of gross shit they’re going to be doing? Maybe it’s a story because the president of the United States is covering for evil. Who gives a flying fuck if google searches have fallen off?!

But we have a solution. We’re calling it the Epstein Experience. Basically it’s like summer camp in hell. You just take Harry Enten and put him through everything those poor girls went through and then see what a nothing-burger he thinks it is. Yeah, we’re even gonna make him give a massage to an underwear-clad Dershowitz. Bet that sonofabitch changes his tune real fast.

If you ever wonder why we’re losing so much so fast, just look at the soulless sociopathic ghouls who pretend to be journalists these days. And then tell them to fuck off. Y’all have a blessed day. Except Harry Enten. He can eat shit.

Note two: Bibi killed more journalists yesterday. This is a war crime. More: AP News

Note three: Trump and RFK Jr. got a cop killed last week with their anti-vaxx bullshit. Neither of them really seemed to care either. Thank goodness these psycho assholes back the blue or else this stuff could get really ugly. More: Politico

Note four: A judge denied DOJ’s bullshit request to release the Ghislaine Maxwell grand jury tapes. We always knew this would happen because it was a distraction. Now release the real files. More: HuffPost

Note five: Thank you to JB Pritzker. This is how you talk about Trump, and anyone not doing this shouldn’t bother trying to get on a 2028 debate stage.

Note six: Thank goodness Bernie Sanders is still going on tv to talk about what Democrats did wrong in 2024. After all, it’s still 2024, right? Super helpful, bro. Maybe find a new talking point beyond telling women why they lose elections. It’s not like there’s anything else going on right now. More: USA Today

Note seven: What’s the difference between John Oliver and Dean Cain? We’ve heard of John Oliver. More: HuffPost

Note eight: We’re gonna talk about Trump’s war against DC in the news section, but we have to ask — does he think the city’s homeless are sitting around reading Truth fucking Social? More: BBC

Note nine: Btw, nobody is reading Truth Social. But our old friend Devin Nunes is still getting millions of dollars. It’s almost like it was some kind of hush money or something. More: Forbes

Note 10: Ok this is kinda fucking hilarious. We sure feel safer. Don’t you?

Note 11: Pretend to be shocked that the racist birther piece of shit has moved President Obama’s portrait out of view. More: CNN

Note 12: We would normally never laugh at an aging athlete who tears his achilles in an Old Timers’ game. But this one is really close to Trump, so we’re laughing our asses off. More: ESPN

Note 13: Yikes. Megan McCain attacked Andrew Cuomo as an “out-of-touch loser.” And she knows what she’s talking about! We love it when gross no-talent nepo babies fight. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Passed Out Pete Hegseth posted a video of some creepy pastor saying women shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Gosh, between this and the rape allegations and his firings of all women in positions of leadership, Hegseth sure seems like a woman-hating piece of shit. More: AP News

Note 15: Not only is this great news, but we’re pretty sure it’s Taylor’s way of going after Trump. Why else would she pick orange?

Note 16: Trump’s administration is such a crime spree that it took us 16 notes to get to the news that Trump got rid of his boot-licking IRS commissioner because the guy wouldn’t share sensitive data. But don’t worry. He’s our new ambassador to Iceland. More: Washington Post

Note 17: After a judge halted Beto’s ability to fund the Texas Democrats who are taking a stand for democracy, Beto fired back that “these motherfuckers are panicking.” That’s the kind of messaging we endorse. More: HuffPost

Note 18: The Supreme Court’s approval rating is at an all-time low. Probably because they’re a bunch of corrupt scumbags who live to kiss Trump’s wrinkled ass. More: Miami Herald

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Columbus, Ohio, where thousands of Sexy Patriots formed a human chain to protest Trump’s bullshit. If you didn’t see this on the national news, it’s because they suck. Thank you to everyone who is taking to the streets! More: Dispatch

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. Unless you’re Harry Enten. That dude can kiss our asses. Love y’all!

Just Doingthedirtywork (JD)

Vice President Couchfuck took a break from his latest vacation to appear on Fox News Sunday, kissing major ass and lying like a sonofabitch. Vance acknowledged that the meeting he denied was happening did happen, and he tried like hell to pin the Epstein shit on Democrats. Ok fine. Then release the files. As far as we’re concerned, Vance’s lies this weekend make him part of the cover-up, and he should be reminded of that for the rest of his life. Hope it was worth it, sofa boy.

More: The Gurdian

Today’s distraction

While we were writing this morning, Trump and his gang of scum gathered at the White House to announce the military occupation of Washington, D.C. Even though crime in the city is at a 30-year low. Yeah, because Big Balls got his narrow ass whooped, Trump has decided to take federal control of our nation’s capital and send troops to D.C. Trump didn’t have the same outrage when his thugs were trashing the Capitol or when a cop was killed last week or when Melissa Hortman, her husband and her dog were murdered by one of his supporters. Oh and he’s a convicted felon who was best friends with Jeffrey Epstein. So yeah, we just don’t think he really cares about law and order or public safety.

More: The Guardian

Surrender monkey

While Trump is starting the week by declaring war on Americans, he’s going to end the week by surrendering to Russia. On Friday, Trump is scheduled to meet with Putin in Alaska. Yes, that means Trump is inviting yet another war criminal to U.S. soil to kiss his ass instead of holding him accountable. What’s worse, however, is that Trump is very obviously planning to let Putin keep as much of Ukraine as he wants. When Zelensky rightfully says fuck that, Trump will claim that Ukraine doesn’t want peace so they’re on their own. Then we will see how long Ukraine and Europe can hold on while Americans hide our faces in shame. So if you’re keeping score at home — Trump is decarling war on the U.S. while surrendering to Russia. We sure feel great again. Don’t you?

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer has alienated even her most loyal supporters after railing at a French-born Medal of Honor recipient. More: Daily Beast

Nvidia (NVDA.O) and AMD (AMD.O) have agreed to give the U.S. government 15% of revenue from sales to China of advanced computer chips like Nvidia’s H20 that are used for artificial intelligence applications, a U.S. official told Reuters on Sunday. More: HuffPost

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on Sunday defended a new military offensive in Gaza that’s more sweeping than previously announced, declaring in the face of growing condemnation at home and abroad that Israel “has no choice but to finish the job and complete the defeat of Hamas.” More: NBC

Australia said Monday that it plans to recognize a Palestinian state, joining a growing list of Western governments making the move as Israel becomes increasingly isolated over the humanitarian crisis in the Gaza Strip. More: NBC

Glenn Greenwald gushed over white nationalist leader Nick Fuentes in a recent episode of his show, insisting that Fuentes is “very impressive” and even calling him a “generational talent.” More: Mediaite