War Crimes Week

It’s Monday. There are 211 days until the midterm elections. Ignoring Axios, a rare piece of good news from an idiot’s idiotic war and the president of the United States has lost it.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But like in a cool way. Not to threaten Iranian civilians like an asshole.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to another dumb and scary week in Trump’s America. We sure hope y’all had a great Easter. Our super religious president spent the day driving around D.C. looking for places he wants to waste more money and then he played golf. So no church this year. Shocker. No wonder the Pope hates this piece of shit…

Oh damn. Now it might surprise you to learn that we are not the most religious or pious hotties on the planet. Still, we think the Pope is being pretty clear when he calls out Trump and Vance for being the worst. But we figured we’d ask him just to be sure…

Us: Hey Pope!

Pope Leo: Hey boys! Loving the newsletter!

Us: Awww that’s so sweet. But you’re probably nice to everyone because of the job.

Pope: Not everyone. Not that orange evil and his couch-fucking friend. They are something the devil shat out and I intend to flush them from the souls of the world. God do they fucking suck.

Us: Well said, Your Holiness. Were you surprised Trump didn’t go to church yesterday?

Pope: I’d be surprised if he ever did something that didn’t suck. But based on what I’ve read from the Epstein files, I’m fine with him staying far away from our young parishioners. And that’s coming from the Pope!

Us: Wow. How things have changed. So do you have a post-Easter message for President Trump?

Pope: Yeah, fuck him.

We are always so grateful for the candor and passion of this Pope. We sure hope Trump gets the message. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re anticipating an especially fucked up week since President Loco has decided to kill as many people as possible. So we’re gonna need some extra therapy. Be on the lookout for an extra session or two this week!

Note three: When Trump isn’t putting our troops in harm’s way, he’s kidnapping their spouses. How many times does that happen before we get a military coup? More: Yahoo News

Note four: If you live in Marjorie Taylor Greene’s old district, don’t forget to vote for our friend Shawn Harris tomorrow. Let’s shock the world! More: CNN

Note five: Sigh. It should have occurred to us that Senate Democrats might vote for Pam Bondi’s successor. What suckers we are. Can we please start sending our non-wimps to do the Sunday shows? This is fucking embarrassing.

Note six: It’s flown under the radar, but we have a huge election to win in Wisconsin tomorrow. It’s pretty much the same race that ended Elon’s political career last year. Damn that was fun. More: WBAY

Note seven: The Justice Department let thousands of criminals go so they could focus on deporting grandmothers. It’s a great reminder that racism is a lot of things, but it’s mostly stupid. More: ProPublica

Note eight: How fucked is America? Well Kanye sold out two shows this weekend, making $33 million. We are so goddamn disappointed in this country. Especially Lauryn Hill. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note nine: Trump is an alleged child rapist who just started a dumb and illegal war. So of course Politico and Beltway Democrats decided to fight over a lefty podcaster. It’s getting easier to understand how we lose to nazi dumbfucks. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Welcome back to Savannah Guthrie. We can’t imagine any of this is easy for her, but good for her for getting back to work. Also, fuck Kash Patel for not finding her mom.

Note 11: Don’t forget about Virginia! It’s for lovers. Of democracy. More: The Hill

Note 12: HUGE congrats to the UCLA Bruins on winning the women’s NCAA basketball championship. It was a resounding victory over a tough South Carolina squad. And yes, we are still mad at Geno over the way he acted this weekend. More: ESPN

Note 13: The Supreme Court just did a favor for Epstein pal Steve Bannon that will likely lead to a dismissal of his contempt conviction. That sucks. But Steve still spent time in prison and a corrupt SCOTUS can’t make that go away. More: Associated Press

Note 14: Y’all know how worried we are about the California governor’s race. Well Trump just helped us out a little by endorsing Steve Hilton. LOL. Bye, Steve. More: The Hill

Note 15: Our friends have been sending us this clip and we can’t figure out why…

Note 16: We have known for a while that Colorado Gov. Jared Polis is a disaster. But he’s really running with a bad crowd these days. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Ruben Gallego has done a complete 180 on abolishing ICE now that he’s talking about running for president. Not cool, Rubes. More: NBC News

Note 18: Don’t forget to send some bad vibes to Viktor Orban’s Putin lovin’ ass. Send him packing, Hungary! You got this! More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you back to Minnesota. The Boss and Tom Morello covered Purple Rain and holy fucking shit y’all just have to listen to it…

Note 20: And on that goosebumps note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a wonderful week and don’t do anything to piss off the Pope. He ain’t fucking around. Love y’all!

Kiss our axios
Over the last few weeks, a pattern has emerged — on Sunday nights, Trump leaks to the insider publication Axios that he’s going for a ceasefire. Then on Monday morning, the markets believe that shit and don’t tank, saving Trump from the humiliation of a failing market on top of everything else. And it’s not just Axios. We’ve seen this strategy employed with lots of news organizations who are happy to parrot Trump’s lies as insiders get rich betting on oil prices. Maybe we’re old fashioned, but we just don’t think credible news outlets should keep falling for this shit. And if they’re not falling for this shit, then they’re in on it. And that’s worse. NO GODDAMN LINK

Thank goodness
We got a rare piece of good news out of Iran this weekend as the pilot who had gone missing after being shot down in Iran was found. This is objectively great news. We hate this war and this president, but we support our troops and we want them home safe and sound. We do think the propaganda pieces from the New York Times about the rescue are a bit over the top, but we are damn glad they found these folks. More: NBC News

This has to stop
We’re hesitant to declare that Trump has lost his shit because we’re not sure how much he had his shit together to begin with. That said, he’s definitely getting worse. Over the weekend, Trump made another profane threat to start targeting civilian infrastructure in Iran. Yeah, after days of declaring that he doesn’t care if the Strait of Hormuz is opened, telling everyone that America doesn’t need it, Trump now says he’s “blowing up the whole country” if he doesn’t get his way. He has set a deadline of tomorrow at 5 p.m., but we know that doesn’t mean shit. Still, we are increasingly worried this idiot is going to start deploying nukes. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
If you attended school any time after the Nixon administration, then you likely beheld at some point the CIA World Factbook, a map and reference manual of Planet Earth and its inhabitants upon which nearly everyone could agree. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito fell ill at an event in Philadelphia last month and was treated for dehydration before returning home to suburban Washington, the court’s spokeswoman said Friday. More: Associated Press

A long winter virus season is finally coming to a close, but there is still reason to frequently wash your hands and get all of your latest vaccines. More: Associated Press

McALLEN, Texas (AP) — For five months, the young father waited for his 3-year-old daughter’s release from federal custody after she crossed the U.S.-Mexico border with her mother, hoping through delays for their safe reunion. More: HuffPost

KITTERY, Maine (AP) — There are lots of questions about Graham Platner, a first-time Democratic candidate running for U.S. Senate in Maine. Now they are also part of a trivia game. More: Associated Press

A Democratic group tasked with growing the party’s majorities in state legislatures across the country announced their first slate of target candidates on Monday. More: The Hill