Vote, Volunteer State!

It’s Tuesday. There are 336 days until the midterm elections. A Pentagon freakshow, an admiral meets the underside of a bus and it’s Election Day, y’all!

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it didn’t stay up all night posting on Truth Social like an effing lunatic.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Ever feel like you’re losing your whole goddamn mind? Yeah, us too. It’s hard not to when everything is so scary and so evil and sooooooo fucking stupid. But we have some good news — You haven’t lost your mind. But Megyn Kelly sure has!

Um… So Megyn has officially lost her shit. Yikes. There was a time in this country when her defense of child rape would have been enough for her to get some time off to think about how fucking loco she is. Alas, that time is long past, so Megyn didn’t even wait a month between her Jeffrey Epstein defense and professing her love for torturing and murdering random strangers. Yeah, Megyn likes snuff films. Like a totally normal non-psycho.

We were dying to know what she might say next, so we did some digging and got our hands on a bootleg copy of her Christmas show. Please enjoy…

Megyn Kelly: … Now you know I’ve always had beef with Santa Claus. That commie piece of shit. Is there anything more woke than a body-positive foreigner breaking into our homes to give away free stuff? Well not anymore. Not on my watch. I used to just hate Black Santas. But I’m kicking things up a notch. We’ve gotta take ‘em out. I’m serious, you guys. So this year I am going to kill and eat Santa. Yeah, you heard it here first, America. I’m going to lie in wait behind the milk and cookies and then I’m going to slit that fat fuck’s jolly throat. I will drink his blood, eat his face and pick my teeth with his bones. I’ll make the reindeer watch. You picked the wrong demon to fuck with, Klaus! And now a message from our sponsors while I fistfight my refrigerator for making fun of me and then go number two on the living room carpet…

Whoa. Megyn don’t seem to be doing too great. That’s a fake interview, but damn it sure feels real. You can tell people like her don’t have any real friends because those are the people in your life who tell you when you’re being a fucking idiot. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s Tuesday so people are voting. If they’re voting where you live, please join them. And please don’t vote for any assholes or wimps. We have plenty of them already. More: BoltsMag

Note three: Trump’s corrupt bitches, Steve Witkoff and Jared Kushner, are meeting in Moscow with Putin today. They might be ready to surrender, but the rest of us aren’t. Putin can end this war anytime he wants. All he has to do is stop killing innocent people. More: Reuters

Note four: We wish we were kidding about the president of the United States posting all night like a crazed dumbfuck. More: HuffPost

Note five: Republicans are VERY nervous about this Tennessee election today. Look at what it’s doing to Don Jr. That enormous pile of cocaine from the end of Scarface called and said it’s worried about him. It’s sad how obvious it is that nobody loves this asshole enough to get him some help.

Note six: A drug dealer who flooded America with cocaine is now free thanks to Trump. So we’re playing both sides of the war on drugs now. Feels good, don’t it? At least Don Jr. will be happy. More: BBC

Note seven: For the first time in decades, the United States refused to acknowledge World AIDS Day. Because our president is a soulless asshole. Thank you to Madonna for calling this out. We won’t forget that Elton John chose to be silent about his good buddy. More: HuffPost

Note eight: We’re all waiting to see if Indiana Republicans are as weak and pathetic as we think they are. Trump’s abuse appears to be working on them. Anyone have any extra spines they can send to the Hoosier State? More: WSBT

Note nine: The National Guardsmen who survived last week’s attack is showing improvement. Thank goodness. We’re sending love. More: NBC News

Note 10: We fucking live for this kind of petty. “Deputy Speaker” is such a great dig.

Note 11: So Trump had a “preventative” MRI? We’re not doctors, but we’re still calling bullshit. More: CNBC

Note 12: The publisher of Franklin the Turtle called out Pete Hegseth because America is a cruel joke these days. More: Mediaite

Note 13: We bet fathead Tom Homan doesn’t act this tough when they’re putting the handcuffs on him.

Note 14: When Melania talks about Christmas decorations, we just hear Clark Griswold’s neighbor asking where we’re gonna put a tree that big. “Bend over, and I’ll show ya.” More: HuffPost

Note 15: The president of the United States said people shouldn’t “disobey” him. He can fuck off, eat shit and kiss our hot asses. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Mamdani spent yesterday with striking Starbucks workers. We really like this dude. More: ABC7

Note 17: We almost made this the Happy Ending. Costco is suing Trump over his bullshit tariffs. Hell yeah. Fuck him up, Costco!

Note 18: Kash Patel is a mess. When he’s not throwing tantrums over women’s FBI windbreakers, he’s using our money to fly around with his girlfriend. Though to be fair, that ugly little shit ain’t getting a girlfriend without a private jet so we kinda get it. More: New Republic, Independent, CBS News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going with that Brandon guy. Joe Biden will be back in Washington this Friday as he is honored for his work on behalf of the LGBTQ+ community. It’s fashionable to beat up on Dark Brandon these days, but that man deserves a lot of credit and love for what he did for equality in this fucked up country. More: Advocate

Note 20: And on that well-deserved note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week so far. Unless you’re Megyn Kelly. She can fuck off. Or go get the help she desperately needs. Love y’all!

Meet the press
It was a big day at the Pentagon yesterday, but only for the real freaks. With the traditional press corps kicked out for refusing to be propagandists, the Trump loyalists moved in yesterday, posting trolling pictures of themselves in the workspaces that used to be utilized by real journalists. The funniest part? Those real journalists are the ones breaking stories about Passed Out Pete being a war criminal. Guess they don’t actually need to be in the building to do their jobs. Enjoy your cubicle and ass-kissing, Laura Loomer. More: Poynter, Associated Press

Admiral Roadkill
The White House and Pete Hegseth want you to know that ADMIRAL FRANK BRADLEY ordered the murders of two survivors of an illegal boat bombing. Yeah, they keep telling us they’ve got this dude’s back and he did nothing wrong while also telling us his name and telling us that he was the one who killed those people. We sure hope the rest of military leadership is taking note of just how quickly and viciously the Trump scum threw an admiral under the bus. Bttw, it’s been wild watching the New York Times get played on this. WaPo broke the story, so the NYT found sources who said Hegseth had nothing to do with it. Then WaPo reported that actual soldiers are disgusted to see the “Protect Pete” propaganda that the NYT is only too happy to run. So once again, we are the media now. More: Associated Press

Just vote, baby!
The polls don’t close in Tennessee for hours, but we’ve already won. This should not have been a competitive district. This shit should have been over before it started. But Republicans are sweating. Hell, you saw that video of Don Jr. Does he look confident? The GOP has been forced to spend almost $4 million to win a seat in a district that Trump won by 22 points. Yikes! We don’t know if Aftyn Behn will win tonight, but we know she has scared the living shit out of the Republican Party and we love when people do that. Just remember that no matter what happens tonight, we’ve already won. But also, let’s win for real. Polls are open until 7 p.m. More: Associated Press, NBC News

Today’s clips
California Gov. Gavin Newsom’s (D) ongoing campaign of trolling Donald Trump took a mockingly clinical turn after the White House released what it claimed were the results of the president’s mysterious October MRI. More: HuffPost

Democrat Mandela Barnes, who served four years as Wisconsin’s lieutenant governor and narrowly lost a 2022 U.S. Senate bid, jumped into the battleground state’s open race for governor on Tuesday. More: Associated Press

Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey’s bid for a political comeback comes down to a one-on-one runoff Tuesday against an opponent who has denounced him and his scandal-stained exit from the governor’s office two decades ago as the epitome of “politics of the past.” More: Associated Press

The Intercollegiate Studies Institute (ISI), a highbrow educational organization for conservative students with a long history of intellectual activism, invited students to a dinner with Tucker Carlson and Alex Jones this past spring that its president, Johnny Burtka, described as being “unforgettable.” More: Mediaite

Podcaster bro Tim Dillon furiously took Trump Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy to task over his plea for airline passengers to “dress up a little bit.” More: HuffPost