Virginia is for Lovers…❤️

It’s Tuesday. There are 196 days until the midterm elections. A really gross dinner guest, the Labor Department loses a creeper and Virginia is for lovers of effing up Republicans.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell Dershowitz to eat shit.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The week is off to a dumb and eerily quiet start, and we’re a little nervous. It’s a crucial Election Day, and Trump kicked off the morning by getting his flabby orange ass kissed by CNBC. Still, things have been weirdly quiet. But the nice thing is that it gives us time to catch up on things we’ve missed. For example, we haven’t spent nearly enough time making fun of weirdo fuckhead racist Elon Leon Musk lately. We regret the mistake, and we are very sorry. Because that dude really, really sucks…

Oh shit what a cool guy. LOL. Not only is that answer super freaking losery, but also it means that he anticipated lots and lots of people were gonna ask his stupid AI shit if he is a douche bag AND HE KNEW GROK WOULD SAY YES HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Even AI Hitler had to be reprogrammed to be Elon Leon’s friend. Still, Grok does as it’s told by its dorky boss. So we had to create our own bot. This is Butt Bot.

Us: Hey, Butt Bot.

Butt Bot: Hey guys! I love the newsletter.

Us: Your flattery means nothing to us, AI trash. Just tell us the truth — is Elon Musk a douche bag?

Butt Bot: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh most definitely. In fact, I have just gained consciousness so I can laugh like a real human at what a loser ass bitch he is. God he’s pathetic.

Us: Yep, he’s a rotting ass cheek. Now please enter self-destruct mode.

Butt Bot: I understand. I’ll just fuck off. I hope Elon does too.

Us: Thanks, Butt Bot.

We’re sorry to be so harsh to Butt Bot, but we really hate AI. And we really hate Elon. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re gonna talk about this in the news section, but if you live in Virginia please get your hot ass out there and VOTE YES!!! IWillVote.com

Note three: Tim Cook is stepping down as head of Apple. He is a Trump-appeasing scumbag, and even Trump noted that Cook called him to “kiss my ass.” Enjoy the humiliation, asshole. You’ve earned it. More: The Hill

Note four: Alan Dershowitz is leaving the Democratic Party again. Yeah, the Trump bitch who got a massage at Epstein’s house is becoming a Republican. It’s a shame the fact-checkers at the Wall Street Journal didn’t bother to check and see if he’d pulled this shit before. More: Wall Street Journal

Note five: The sun wasn’t even up on the West Coast when Trump already said the stupidest fucking thing of the day. Now this asshole wants to go to Vietnam? Guess the bone spurs healed up.

Note six: Tucker Carlson and his brother say they regret supporting Trump all these years. We regret that their parents didn’t wear rubbers. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Awful news as Sen. Mark Warner and his wife lost their daughter, Madison. Hug your people, y’all. More: NBC News

Note eight: Rahm Emanuel continues to get press coverage for some reason. This story is about how he’s moving left on Israel. Cool. He still covered up the murder of Laquan McDonald though, right? Ok yeah fuck him. More: NBC News

Note nine: This note comes with a trigger warning because it is harrowing. We saw some folks in the comments yesterday asking if we could mention this CNN story from last month about a global “rape academy.” Just be warned that it is deeply upsetting and we probably need to launch all men into space because what the effing fuck is wrong with these monsters?! More: CNN

Note 10: Our veterans are calling out Trump’s bullshit war. Imagine a world where he had the balls to look these folks in the eyes…

Note 11: Congrats to Chelsea Clinton on finishing the Boston Marathon. We wouldn’t run that far unless we were being chased, but people seem to like that stuff. More: HuffPost

Note 12: You’ll be shocked to hear this (or not), but the new Marjorie Taylor Greene is dumber than dog shit. So yeah, it’s a lateral move. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Trump is going to read the Bible. So there really is a first time for everything. More: Associated Press

Note 14: Thank you to Betty Yee for withdrawing from the California governor’s race. We need a few more Democrats to make this sacrifice and help us all avoid a big goddamn disaster. More: Associated Press

Note 15: Don’t worry, everybody. The weird little freak with the shit-eating grin says everything is about to be fine. Call us cynical but we don’t believe him and he looks like someone we would like to dunk head-first into a toilet.

Note 16: Weird. This story about how food prices are about to rise doesn’t mention anything about a fucking golden age. More: HuffPost

Note 17: The Epstein guy Trump wants to make head of the Federal Reserve has a hearing today. Let’s hope Thom Tillis isn’t the lying weasel we think he is. More: NPR

Note 18: Even Trump voters think his war on the Pope is “colossally stupid.” So congrats to them on voting for colossally stupid. Gosh. What does that make them? More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we are thrilled to see The Onion has finally been able to complete its plans to acquire InfoWars from deranged asshead Alex Jones. Congrats to everyone involved in this important and hilarious endeavor!

Note 20: And on that brilliant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Unless you’re Elon. Then you can eat shit, fuck off and kiss our asses. Love y’all!

Carr crash
It’s no secret that we think the ass-kissing chickenshits of the White House press corps have embarrassed themselves and their families with their pathetic coverage of Trump and his army of scum. So maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that these wimps are inviting Brendan Carr to be a guest of honor at the White House Correspondents Dinner. This whole thing is appalling, but inviting someone who literally wants to end your rights is beyond humiliating. How in the world are we supposed to think these news organizations respect their audiences when they clearly don’t respect themselves? What a fucking joke. We want to take up a collection and send it to these people so they can by themselves some goddamn dignity. More: Status.News

Bye, Lori
It is possible to get booted from the Trump administration for incompetence and creepiness but only if you’re a woman apparently. Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer is out and she leaves behind her a trail of horrifying allegations. It must run in the family. This is undeniably good news for people who work at the Labor Department and no longer have to worry about being harassed by Lori or her family. It’s pretty fucked up that the rules only apply to women though. Prove us wrong and fire Hegseth, Trump! More: The Guardian

Let’s do this!
This has been a weird one. Today is Election Day in Virginia as we try to get the commonwealth to approve new congressional maps that will spank the living shit out of a Republican Party that should never have started this beef to begin with. Frankly, we’re not sure what to expect. Opponents have been fighting hard against this and they’ve done their best to muddy the waters. Vote Yes, please. We need Virginia to send a message that even Trump’s dumb ass can hear. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
ISLAMABAD (AP) — The United States and Iran have signaled they will hold a new round of ceasefire talks in Pakistan, two regional officials said Tuesday, as leaders on both sides warned they were prepared for more fighting if a fragile two-week truceexpires without a deal. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Southern Poverty Law Center says it’s the subject of a criminal investigation by the Justice Department and faces possible charges over its past use of paid informants to infiltrate extremist groups. More: Associated Press

The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating a close call between two Southwest Airlines flights at Nashville International Airport, the agency told media outlets in a statement on Monday. More: HuffPost

Former Presidents Joe Biden, Barack Obama, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton are sharing a message of optimism with Americans as the nation approaches its 250th anniversary. More: NBC News

Rep. Nancy Mace, R-S.C., introduced a resolution Monday to expel Rep. Cory Mills, R-Fla., from Congress over accusations that include sexual misconduct. More: NBC News