Vance is anti-Trump (but still pro-couch)

Today’s Big Stuff. September 27, 2024.

Happy Friday! There are 39 days until Election Day. Trump won’t quit Robinson, Democrats stand with Ukraine and Vance is anti-Trump (but still pro-couch).  

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s how we’re saving America’s hot ass.  

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we went and got ourselves in a bit of a jam yesterday. We looked at a Fox poll yesterday and it showed Kamala Harris leading Trump 51-48 and we got so excited that we started wagging our tails and then we were like wait a minute we don’t have tails so what the fuck is going on here so we went to the doctor and yeah it was definitely not a tail but we got it removed so everything is cool now and even if we hadn’t gotten it removed this would have stopped the wagging… (twitter)

WHAT?! How does that even make sense?! Oh right. It doesn’t make sense. At all. Because this is American politics in the age of Trump and everything is crazier than a shithouse rat. We’re writing run-on sentences about having tails for dog’s sake! Now look, we know that not one of us is gonna stop looking at polls and reacting wildly to every damn one of them. But we really should. ‘Cause this shit is nuts. So let’s keep looking at polls but then control what we can control — let’s make calls and texts and knock on doors and send a few bucks if we can spare it and let’s win the scoreboard that actually matters. We can be productive while riding this emotional roller coaster. 

And yeah, don’t ask about the tail thing. You don’t wanna know. Trust us. Y’all have a blessed day. More: The Hill

Note two: Hey, btw, CHECK YOUR VOTER REGISTRATION BECAUSE REPUBLICANS ARE ON THEIR CHEATING BULLSHIT AGAIN!!! North Carolina just removed 747,000 people from their voter rolls. Make sure you’re not one of them if you live there. Please. More: The Hill, Bloomberg

Note three: Mitch McConnell is really upset about VP Harris calling for the elimination of the filibuster. So you know it’s a good idea. More: Politico

Note four: Did you buy your $100,000 Trump watch yet? If so, you qualify for a bonus program where we come to your house and give you a swift kick in the ass for wasting money on stupid shit. Why does Trump seem more like a Spirit Halloween store after Halloween than a presidential candidate? Suppose it could be all the orange. More: Huff Post

Note five: Hurricane Helene is really damn bad, everybody. If you’re in its path, please get the hell out of the way. We’re sending love. And please don’t be this fucking idiot. (twitter)

Note six: Trump wished Eric Adams well and suggested the New York City mayor was indicted for talking about immigrants. That’s not actually one of the charges. More: Politico

Note seven: Matt Gaetz said yesterday that he has been subpoenaed by the House Ethics committee, so he’s stopping his cooperation with them. In a letter posted on social media, Gaetz denied raping underage girls at drug-fueled sex parties. But we don’t believe him. More: CNBC

Note eight: Elon Musk continues to do gross shit on Trump’s behalf. Yesterday, Elon suspended Ken Klippenstein from twitter after Klippenstein posted the Jacksoff Davenports (JD) Vance dossier that was hacked from the Trump campaign. It’s mostly Vance talking shit about Trump, and it’s nothing short of outrageous that news organizations are pretending it isn’t newsworthy. Btw, a davenport is a type of sofa. lol. More: Yahoo

Note nine: Well this is a bummer. Smartmatic and Newsmax settled Smartmatic’s defamation lawsuit against the company just before it was set to go to trial. It’s disappointing. We really wish one of these companies had forced a trial to let the American people see those lies exposed. More: NBC News

Note 10: The craziest and most infuriating thing about the whole Kamala-isn’t-talking-about-policy bullshit is that she is talking about policy and she’s talking about it in a way that millions and millions of Americans can relate to…

Note 11: The VP is headed to the border today to tell everyone just how full of shit Trump is when it comes to immigration. More: Axios

Note 12: Jack Smith dropped his 180-page report on Judge Tanya Chutkan’s desk yesterday. In related news, Trump just dropped a load in his pants. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Thank you to Oregon Sen. Ron Wyden for writing a bill that would reform the Supreme Court and add six seats. It’s long overdue. More: New Republic

Note 14: Julie Dancingqueen (JD) Vance says he doesn’t have to prepare much to debate Tim Walz. It makes sense. We wouldn’t bother training to fight Mike Tyson. We’d just take the ass-whoopin’ and hope it was over fast with no permanent damager. More: Independent

Note 15: We tried to give two shits about what Melania said yesterday and we just couldn’t. Then we tried to give a single shit and that didn’t work either. More: Huff Post

Note 16: Thank you to HuffPo for laying out just how idiotic and unproductive this session of Congress was. It’s almost like turning the people’s house into Trump’s errand boys was a stupid thing to do. More: Huff Post

Note 17: Damn. RIP to Dame Maggie Smith. More: Associated Press

Note 18: For today’s Happy Ending, we are in awe. We usually don’t have time to reply to the comments on these posts because we’re either writing the next newsletter or working our other jobs, but we read them all. And yesterday we were absolutely blown away to see a Sexy Patriot named Otto had cataloged all 106 different Just Dangfunny (JD) Vance names. We were a little embarrassed by some of the repetition, but deeply touched all the same. Thanks, Otto!

1. Jalopy Dillweed (JD) Vance 2. Jiggly Dicktoes (JD) 3. Justa Dickhead (JD) 4. Jumprope Drippywiener (JD) 5. Jiffy Dingleberry (JD) 6. Jacknuts Dingusface (JD) 7. Jumping Doofuspoo (JD) 8. Jupiter Droopysack (JD) 9. Jellyroll Diplick (JD) 10. Jupiter Dicksoup (JD) 11. Jangly Doodlenuts (JD) 12. Jiminy Diggler (JD) 13. Jolly Doodoolick (JD) 14. Jedediah Dildonoggin (JD) 15. Jiggly Dumpeater (JD) 16. Jellybean Dongface (JD) 17. Jangly Doorknob (JD) 18. Jackass Diddlepoo (JD) 19. Jockstrap Dingusbutt (JD) 20. Jerkoff Doodiestain (JD) 21. Jellyfish Doodiesniffer (JD) 22. Jalopy Diddledoodiepants (JD) 23. Jerkface Dickbite (JD) 24. Jumping Doodienipples (JD) 25. Jalopy Dizzynards (JD) 26. Jello Dingus (JD) 27. Jordache Doodienugget (JD) 28. Jiminy Dickfeet (JD) 29. Jethro Droopynads (JD) 30. Jiffy Drippywiener (JD) 31. Jolly Droopybuttocks (JD) 32. Jackal Dillweed (JD) 33. Jiggly Dongtaint (JD) 34. Jockstrap Dangledongle (JD) 35. Jelly Doorknob (JD) 36. Jolly Dickface (JD) 37. Jupiter Dipshit (JD) 38. Jokester Douchebro (JD) 39. Juicy Dickbrain (JD) 40. Jellybean Dongback (JD) 41. Junebug Dipshittin (JD) 42. Jackanapes Droopnuts (JD) 43. Jiggly Dingleberry (JD) 44. Juggle Deeznuts (JD) 45. Janky Doodienipples (JD) 46. Jellybean Doodiemouth (JD) 47. Jello Dookienuts (JD) 48. Jordache Dumbshit (JD) 49. Jukebox Dingaling (JD) 50. Jumping Dillweed (JD) 51. Jupiter Dancingcrotch (JD) 52. Jiggly Droopydong (JD) 53. Jiffypop Dumpmouth (JD) 54. Jockstrap Dingusface (JD) 55. Jiggly Donkeynipples (JD) 56. Jerkoff Dominoes (JD) 57. Jaundice Dickbrain (JD) 58. Jellybean Dollhouse (JD) 59. Jittery Dingus (JD) 60. Jackass Dimplebrain (JD) 61. Jaunty Doodybreath (JD) 62. Juggling Dipshit (JD) 63. Jelly Dongface (JD) 64. Jerkoff Duncehat (JD) 65. Janky D-bag (JD) 66. Jumping Dingleberry’s (JD) 67. Jelly Donuts (JD) 68. Jesusfreak Douchebro (JD) 69. Jokey Dickface (JD) 70. Jingleheimer Dickbrain (JD) 71. Jupiter Dongmouth (JD) 72. Jelly Doodynuts (JD) 73. Julep Dipstick (JD) 74. Just Dealwithit (JD) 75. Jackass Dumbshit (JD) 76. Joker Dickbrain (JD) 77. Jackboot DerKissenassen (JD) 78. Jagged Dicknipples (JD) 79. Just Dickless (JD) 80. Jumping Doodyface (JD) 81. Just Deranged (JD) 82. Jellybean Dingleberry (JD) 83. Janky Dingus (JD) 84. Jiffypop Douchebag (JD) 85. Just Dumberthandogshit (JD) 86. Juggling Deeznuts (JD) 87. Justa Disaster (JD) 88. Jackass Dicklips (JD) 89. Jellybean Dognuts (JD) 90. Juicy Disgrace (JD) 91. Jalopy Doodoodoodie (JD) 92. Jangly Dinguslobes (JD) 93. Justa Damndisgrace (JD) 94. Jealousy Dickenvy (JD) 95. Just Dangerous (JD) 96. Just Dumb (JD) 97. Jolly Dingusdance (JD) 98. Jumpshot Dookiebreath (JD) 99. Joker Dingusface (JD) 100. Jail Deserver (JD) 101. Justno Dignity (JD) 102. Jiffylube Dickface (JD)

Note 19: And on that sweet note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great week, and we just know it’s gonna be a kick-ass weekend. We’ll be back tomorrow for an abbreviated Saturday edition. Love y’all!

Amazing
Trump is totally sticking with his endorsement of North Carolina Black nazi, would-be KKK member and wife’s-sister-lover Mark Robinson. Numerous journalists pointed out yesterday that Trump has been to North Carolina twice since the Nude Africa scandal broke, but on Thursday, Trump claimed he didn’t know anything about it, telling reporters he doesn’t “know the situation.” Gosh, do we think he’s lying? We freaking love that Trump is such a stubborn asshead that he won’t abandon the worst candidate in the world. If we win North Carolina, we’re winning the presidency and saving this country. (acyn/twitter)

Standing for freedom
Yesterday we shared with you how Republicans have been attacking Zelensky while he’s visiting the US, parroting Russian talking points and accusing Zelensky and Biden of campaigning. Well yesterday Biden and Harris showed us exactly what they were doing and that’s standing up for freedom the way Americans are supposed to. Biden announced another aid package for the country just one day after Trump said the country was destroyed and can’t be saved. Our favorite comments came from VP Harris who didn’t call out Trump but totally called out Trump. If we lose this election, Ukraine will lose this war. And it’s pretty damn scary to think about what happens next. More: CNN, Twitter

Oh Jogging Dillweed (JD)
You know how the big time journalism white dudes told us the Vance dossier wasn’t newsworthy or worth printing? Well they fucking lied. It turns out Vance kept trashing Trump even after his conversion, saying in 2020 that Trump “totally failed” to deliver on economic populism. Vance even sarcastically called Trump “the emperor” in one message, saying he had turned down a job offer from a candidate Vance was predicting would lose. We have two questions: Who the fuck vetted this dude and how much more corrupt can the MSM get? More: The Daily Beast

Today’s clips
Fort Peck tribal members said Thursday they are planning to file a lawsuit against two northeastern Montana counties because of how far away voting polls are from the reservation. More: KTVQ

If she wins in November, Vice President Kamala Harris may face a hostile, Republican-controlled Senate in no mood to confirm the senior Cabinet officials she’ll need to run her administration. More: NBC News

Far-right Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) beat down on her own party on Thursday when she declared that — in her own opinion — Republicans don’t deserve to control the House. More: Huff Post

New York City’s embattled mayor, who has long touted his work fighting crime as an NYPD captain, is set to be arraigned on federal corruption charges Friday. More: CNN