Um, who voted for this?

It’s Monday. There are 638 days until the midterm elections. Democrats elect a new chair, the world’s richest man owns America now and Trump warns of ‘pain.’

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because it reads the goddamn news.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Welcome back to the shitshow. It’s gotten much shittier since we last saw you. The world’s richest psycho loser completed a coup and the economy fell off a cliff because America elected a goddamn moron who doesn’t know how tariffs work. And on top of all of that, we got more bad news from this mangy motherfucker…

Goddamnit. NOT NOW, PHIL! Yeah, we were so bummed by this straw that broke the camel’s back that is our mental health, that we were ready to make groundhog stew. But then we realized things are actually worse than six more weeks of winter. So we called up Punxutawney Phil’s pessimistic cousin, Hershey Howard.

TBS: What’s shakin’, Howard?

Hershey Howard: Hey guys. Love the newsletter. What’s shaking? Me! I’m trembling with fear!

TBS: Oh gosh. Because of your cousin’s weather prediction?

HH: No, you phucking idiots. Because fascism has come to America! Six more weeks of winter? Ha! Phil has always been phull of shit! We’re looking at at least four years of straight up hell and it might last for eternity.

TBS: Jesus, Howard. You’re scaring us.

HH: You should be scared, baby! Because shit is royally fucked up, and that ain’t going away in six fucking weeks.

TBS: Can we speak with Phil?

HH: Phuck Phil! And phuck everyone who voted for this phucking nightmare!

TBS: Ok, well have a good day, Howard.

HH: Phuck off!

Yikes. Howard doesn’t seem to be nearly as chill as his cousin, but he’s right. Guess we better elect some people to do something about it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Before we get to the really scary shit, we want to wish Happy Birthday to our friend Kyle Shivers. Kyle is the amazing genius who makes this newsletter look good and function and he’s also the guy behind the Trump golf tracker. In other words, there is no TBS without him. Have a great one, Kyle!

Note three: Trump is going after the Department of Education now. We are watching the systematic yet chaotic destruction of our federal government and not nearly enough people seem to give a shit. More: NBC

Note four: We criticize the mainstream media a lot and for good reason. Here’s a story about indie journo Marisa Kabas, who has been breaking a lot of stories about the fucked up shit Trump and Elon Leon are doing. Thanks, Maria! More: AP

Note five: Wired has been crushing it too. Thanks to them we know that there are a bunch of Hitler youth types rooting around in our personal data. So that’s fun. Maybe Wired should take a few days off. More: Wired

Note six: Canadians are booing the U.S. at their sporting events. And we kinda want to join in.

Note seven: Trump is now fucking with South Africa so he can bring back apartheid. We’re pretty sure he got his idea from Elon Leon, but it’s also possible it came from how own horrible racism. More: Reuters

Note eight: Beyonce is gonna tour for Cowboy Carter. And she won the Grammy for Best Country Album. And she finally won album of the year! So there’s at least some goodness in the world. More: Deadline, CBS

Note nine: CBS is handing over the raw interview they did with Kamala Harris to the FCC. We’re sure the FCC will be asking Fox for the unedited interview Fox did with Trump too, right? Right? More: The Hill

Note 10: This is 100,000 percent correct…

Note 11: What Trump is doing to USAID is evil. And criminal. We are definitely in the bad place now. More: The Hill

Note 12: Remember when Trump said he sent in the military to release the water in California? Well he actually almost flooded a bunch of farmland nowhere near L.A. Real stable genius shit. More: Daily Beast

Note 13: Marco Rubio hired a guy at the State Department who was fired from Trump 1.0 for attending white nationalist conferences. Sure seems like the hood is all the way off, dont’ it? More: Mediaite

Note 14: Thank you to the protesters who hit the streets in L.A. and Houston and D.C. this weekend. Protesting is going to be more dangerous than it was. And more necessary. The people who speak out now are brave, and we’re gonna need a shitload of ‘em. More: AP

Note 15: We were gonna use this note to show you a clip of Mitch McConnell slamming Trump’s tariffs, but we think Caitlin Clark and A’ja Wilson getting their jerseys retired is less likely to make our heads explode.

Note 16: The Trumpian chaos has enveloped the FBI, where thousands of agents were fired for playing a role in the investigations of the orange one. There are FBI officials trying to stand up to Trump, but it’s pretty obvious Kash Patel is gonna build a Trump KGB. More: NBC, MSNBC

Note 17: Ontario Premier Doug Ford says he’s ripping up their $100 million Starlink contract to say Fuck Elon. What the hell is the world coming to when we’re cheering for Doug fucking Ford? More: CBC

Note 18: If you’re wondering what our elected officials are going to do about the ransacking of the federal government after their three-day weekend, well, so are we. This is getting pretty fucking embarrassing. More: New Republic

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you back to the Grammys where the late great President Jimmy Carter won yet another Grammy. This was his fourth win, and it came for Best Audiobook Narration for “Last Sundays in Plains: A Centennial Celebration.” Thanks, Mr. President. We really fucking needed this.

Note 20: And on that nice note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and are ready for a week of cruel fucked up stupidity. Or six more weeks of it. Or an eternity. Love y’all!

Let’s effing go!

It’s no secret that we’ve been furious wondering when our party is gonna get in the fucking game and start fucking fighting fascism instead of making friends with it. Well we took a big step in the right direction this weekend when the DNC elected Ken Martin to be the new chairman. It’s no secret that the party has been directionless since the election. We need a fighter. Ken is that fighter. Ken knows what it’s like to grow up poor. He knows what it’s like to see a single mom struggle. And he knows what it’s like to win. Give ‘em hell, Ken.

More: NBC

Um, who voted for this?

So Elon Leon Musk and his Hitler Youth are running wild inside the U.S. government. On Friday night they gained access to highly sensitive payment systems inside the Treasury Department and they apparently threatened an armed stand-off when security tried to stop them from accessing classified information. Trump continues to defend all of this because he has no idea what’s happening and is entirely focused on revenge and fucking up the economy. This is pretty fucking bad, y’all. We don’t even know how to joke about it.

More: NBC, ABC

Um, who voted for this?

Remember how Trump was gonna fix everything? Remember how we said that was bullshit? Well, we were right. Trump is no longer promising to fix everything right away and instead telling the American people there will be “pain” as his tariffs raise prices. Yes, over the weekend Trump launched an unprovoked and idiotic trade war against Canada and Mexico and to a lesser extent China. Canada and Mexico announced immediate retaliatory tariffs with both country’s leaders expressing confusion about the lack of reason for the trade war and dismay that Americans would treat their neighbors like this. Trump seems to have no idea what he wants in exchange for the tariffs coming off, so shit is gonna get really fucking stupid and really fucking expensive. The stock market is already tanking. Congrats to everyone who couldn’t handle the Black woman’s laugh. Morons.

More: ABC

Trump Golf Track

Today’s clips

U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio told the leaders of Panama on Sunday that the Central American country must take immediate action on curbing China's influence over the Panama Canal area or the United States will get involved. More: NPR

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ordered government scientists to withdraw or pause the publication of all papers set to appear in medical or scientific journals so the Trump administration can review the material for “forbidden terms” such as “gender,” “LGBT” or “pregnant person,” according to a shocking new report. More: HuffPost

CNN senior data correspondent Harry Enten delivered bad news for President Donald Trump, calling poll numbers about his tariffs “Horrible! Horrible! Horrible!” More: Mediaite