Ukraine shame

It’s Wednesday. There are 622 days until the midterm elections. Putin’s puppet blames the victim, the genius who can’t count and the president of the United States has no idea what’s going on.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s the only thing keeping us from losing our goddamn minds.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are y’all doing? Yeah, us too. Things are pretty fucked up. That’s why it’s so important to find things that give you joy and hold onto them for dear life. And one of the things that gives us joy is people vandalizing those fugly cybertrucks…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Looks like someone needs to go to the carwash and then go fuck themselves. We were inspired by this and we came up with a whole plan for a campaign called Shit the Cyber, where we encourage Americans to come together, drop their pants and poop on Elon Leon’s idiotic fake trucks. But we don’t want to encourage anything illegal so we’re not gonna do that. So whatever you do, don’t Shit the Cyber. Seriously, you all. Please don’t take a giant steaming dump on every dumpster car you see. And definitely don’t send us pictures of the defiled ride. That would all be very bad and hilarious.

But hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. And it sure seems like any decent lawyer could convince a jury that you thought the cybertruck was just a really ugly porta-potty. But still you probably shouldn’t Shit the Cyber. Or maybe you should. It’s still kind of a free country. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Well things are off to a good start for President Fuckhead. The latest Reuters poll shows the number of Americans who think the economy is on the wrong track has surged 10 points to 53 percent in less than a month. To quote Spaceballs, keep firing, assholes. More: Reuters

Note three: Anyone else excited for this hearing on Eric Adams and Trump’s super corrupt DOJ assholes? More: NBC NY

Note four: If you want to watch an amazing behind-the-scenes sports documentary, Court of Gold is on Netflix. The Obamas produced this amazing look at the 2024 Olympic basketball, and we are so fucking hooked. It’s a great reminder to that time a few months ago when we could still be proud to be Americans.

Note five: Please forgive us for being arrogant Americans, but when the effing fuck did we start being jealous of the Brazillian government?! How are they so much better at this shit than we are?!

Note six: A top lawyer at DOJ resigned yesterday rather than pursue a political case with no evidence. This sure seems like a pattern to us. More: CNN

Note seven: We’re not proud of how we reacted when we saw that Louis DeJoy is finally stepping down. And now we have to get a new television. Fuck. More: The Guardian

Note eight: Great news for the brain worm idiot as measles continues to spread like crazy in Texas. And we know how much crazy there is down there. More: AP

Note nine: We’re not gonna link to it, but the White House posted a video of migrants being shackled and forced to board a plane yesterday. Elon Leon thought it was really funny. We’re fucking appalled. More: HuffPost

Note 10: THANK YOU to Jasmine Crockett for speaking truth plainly and daily.

Note 11: Trump said yesterday that the AP will remain shut out at the White House because they’re not following the law. That is of course absolute horseshit. More: AP

Note 12: Last night Trump admitted that “inflation is back.” Then he said he had nothing to do with it. We assume the mainstream media agrees with him. More: The Hill

Note 13: The maga morons fired the people who were trying to stop the bird flu. They are now trying to rehire them. Are we great again or what? More: NBC

Note 14: This is pretty funny. Lindsey Graham has been busting his sorry ass to put forth a budget proposal, and Trump just torpedoed him in favor of the House version. The not funny part is that the House version destroys Medicaid so Elon Leon can get another tax cut. More: CBS

Note 15: Can you imagine a Democrat trashing Americans as much as Trump does? He really seems to hate this place and everyone in it.

Note 16: The Used to Be Kennedy Center canceled a Pride Concert that would have featured the Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington. Guess it wasn’t just trans people they hated. More: Washingtonian

Note 17: While Trump and Leon are firing park rangers and fucking over Americans because they’re worried about the debt, they are also getting ready to add trillions to it. It’s almost like they’re completely full of shit. More: NBC

Note 18: This one is gonna piss you off big time. Trump has already spent $11 million of our money playing golf. We’re beginning to suspect he ain’t actually running things. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, we don’t have shit. So here’s a story about KFC moving out of Kentucky that we can blame on Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul. Surely Kentuckians will be taking to the streets in protest today.

Note 20: And on that finger lickin’ note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week. We know how horrible things are. So horrible you could just shit. On a cybertruck. Love y’all!

Ukraine shame

Trump no longer seems to be hiding his relationship with Putin. The president of the United States is now flatly blaming Ukraine for being illegally invaded, surrendering just about everything to a weakened Russia and trying to extort a war-torn country along the way. It’s truly fucking sickening. Yesterday in Saudi Arabia, Secretary of State Liddle Marco Rubio sat down with the Russians and the Saudis to talk about building an economic partnership with the same country that the world has spent the last several years sanctioning to hell and back. And then Trump had a press conference and lied about Zelensky’s approval rating before straight up blaming him for the invasion. If you want to know what the U.S. is getting in exchange for a shitload of major concessions, well, we don’t actually know. The answer seems to be nothing.

More: CBS, Reuters

Can he count?

We don’t know about y’all, but we have some serious questions for people who still think Elon Leon is a genius. Because he seems like a weirdo fucking idiot to us. He keeps saying he and that dumb DOGE shit has found billions in savings. And he keeps turning out to be wrong. The New York Times reported yesterday that in one instance, DOGE said it saved taxpayers $8 billion. Except they got the math wrong and it was actually $8 million. Oops. We’ll save you some suspense. These fuckers aren’t going to save any money or find any fraud. Mostly because the fraud comes from them.

More: NotUS

Who’s the boss?

Last night on Hannity, Trump and Elon Leon did another joint interview. This is getting weird. Even for these weirdos. And as we watched, we realized how quickly a pattern has taken hold where Elon says he’s cutting or changing something and Trump says this is the first time he’s hearing about it. Can you imagine how the press would be covering it if Biden was doing this shit? President Musk is in charge now, and that is somehow worse than Trump.

More: The Hill

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Today’s clips

The JFK Library in Boston abruptly closed on Tuesday afternoon after the "sudden dismissal" of workers due to an executive order by President Trump, the JFK Library Foundation said. The National Archives told CBS News the library will reopen on Wednesday. More: CBS

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy on Wednesday hit back at Donald Trump's accusation that Ukraine started its war with Russia, saying that the American president is trapped in a “disinformation bubble” and adding that his country was not for sale. More: NBC

In just days, the Trump administration has torn up Washington's script on the war in Ukraine and its relationship with Europe. Now, even as the U.S. and Russia press ahead with peace talks that exclude Kyiv, Ukraine's European neighbors are struggling to unite around a shared response. More: NBC

President Donald Trump issued an executive order purporting to give himself and the attorney general direct authority over regulatory agencies established by Congress as independent on Wednesday night. More: HuffPost