Two dick-tators

It’s Tuesday. There are 567 days until the midterm elections. Harvard finds its spine, a rough Jackie Robinson Day and two dick-tators tell SCOTUS to suck it.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because of all the assholes.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are ya today? Yeah, us too. Yesterday was a pretty low moment in the history of the United States and we’re sure a certain dumbshit is looking for ways to make today even worse. At this point literally nothing he could do fuck up this country would surprise us. Especially not this…

The super gonorrhea president, everybody! Talk about going together like peanut butter and chocolate, these two were just made to go together. Y’all know we wanted the inside scoop on this crazy shit, so here’s an interview with super gonorrhea…

Us: Um hey, Super Gonorrhea.

Super Gonorrhea: Hey guys! Big fan!

Us: Goddamnit. We were afraid you’d say that. So why is Trump letting you run loose?

SG: Oh me and Donnie T. go way way back. I’ve known that guy since he was 14 and fucking farm animals. I never imagined he’d grow up to fuck the whole world.

Us: Yeah, well he is. You make it sound like y’all are friends.

SG: We’re really more like family. All of us. Me, Little Orange Shroom, Burning Pee, Questionable Discharge, Itchy, Smelly, Drippy, Droopy, Big Red and the Inflamed and the Hollering Herpe Brothers. Oh and of course RFK Jr. Gang’s all here!

Us: Yikes. That’s really, really gross.

SG: You’ll get used to us. We’re making America great again, baby.

Well there you have it – super gonorrhea has officially backed longtime friend and supporter Donald Trump. And vice versa. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Today is Tax Day. And while it’s really fucking gross to think of our money being used to kidnap migrants and college students, we also don’t want to give Trump a reason to put us in jail. So we should all probably pay our taxes. Goddamnit.

Note three: Want to read a bone-chilling story? A whistleblower revealed how Elon Leon Melvin and his gang of dorks are stealing personal data. When the whistleblower raised concerns, they taped a drone picture of the guy walking his dog to his office door. More: NPR

Note four: Stories like that help explain why Trump keeps demanding that Republicans defund NPR and PBS. More: The Hill

Note five: We really wanted to save this for the Happy Ending, but we got too excited. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the biggest couch-fucking dunce you’ve ever seen in your life. He’s Dan Quayle without the charm and intellect…

Note six: Speaking of Janky Dickhead (JD) Vance, he got very upset that President Zelensky accurately pointed out that Vance is a pathetic Russian bitchboy. More: Kyiv Independent

Note seven: This is fucking wild. The White House told the guy running HBO Max that if they want some corporate mergers to pass then they better give Don Jr. a hunting show. If we were talking about a Democratic president, this would be called bribery and be a huge scandal. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note eight: Trump got big mad at Kaitlan Collins yesterday in the Oval Office. We keep thinking and hoping that one of these outbursts will force the press to get some self-respect. But it ain’t happened yet. More: The Independent

Note nine: Props to Bernie for calling out Trump for being a total wussie weenie when it comes to 60 Minutes. Wouldn’t you love just one reporter to ask Trump if he thinks it’s the press’s job to kiss his orange ass? More: HuffPost

Note 10: AOC is bringing the fucking fire lately and we are very much here for it…

Note 11: We keep seeing op-eds from James Carville about what Democrats need to do. And we keep asking why anyone would take advice from someone who last won a political race before the internet was a thing. Are we just short on old white assholes to get advice from?

Note 12: We REALLY need Pam Bondi’s brother to lose his effort to become president of the D.C. Bar. It’s too bad none of us get a vote. More: NBC News

Note 13: Yesterday ICE agents arrested a Columbia student when he went to his appointment to become a U.S. citizen. Sure makes you proud to be an American, don’t it? More: BBC

Note 14: This dude who voted for Trump was harassed coming from Canada to Vermont. He said he thought Trump would make things better. Let’s hope they did a body cavity search. Might help this guy find his brain. More: NBC Boston

Note 15: Jinglebells Doodoobreath (JD) Vance dropping that trophy was the funniest thing we saw yesterday. But Bezos eating shit after sending his girlfriend into space was a close second…

Note 16: We’re gonna talk about this in the news section, but we want to draw attention to Sen. Chris Van Hollen, who is planning to go to El Salvador soon if his constituent isn’t released from Trump’s concentration camp. This is what we want to see from our elected leaders. More: NBC News

Note 17: AOC wants to know how much money Marjorie Taylor Greene made off of Trump’s tariff shit. We do too. More: Yahoo News

Note 18: You can file this under Woah. According to a new Quinnipiac Poll, Trump is now underwater on immigration (45/50) and a majority (53 percent) disapprove of the deportations. It’s just one poll, but this and the economy are the only two issues that have ever kept Trump afloat. Maybe America is finally starting to buy a fucking clue. More: KVUE

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just can’t let the Vance trophy thing go and this post made us laugh our hot asses off. What a fucking loser.

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week and avoid the super gonorrhea. And if you are, then you’re doing better than the president of the United States. Love y’all!

Crimson courage
You won’t often find us saying nice things about Harvard, but the school that gave us the Unabomber did right yesterday. After watching Trump harass and attack Columbia University, Harvard announced yesterday that it will not be surrendering to Trump and will instead fight for its independence. Trump immediately froze $2.2 billion in federal funding for the school, which the student newspaper noted will mostly hurt Boston hospitals. Still, Harvard is doing the right thing. Trump was demanding he be allowed to place supervisors throughout the school to make sure there was “viewpoint diversity” and enough MAGA chodes in every classroom. More: CNBC

42 over 47
Today is Jackie Robinson Day. Or as Trump calls it, Tuesday. We always make it a point to read USAToday’s Nancy Armour, and today she really nails it by calling out Trumpian efforts to disappear Robinson’s legacy and Major League Baseball’s shameful acquiescence. The truth is that MLB and the Dodgers should be dedicated to fighting like hell to preserving and promoting Robinson’s story and instead they have cowered. So take the ceremonial shit today with a grain of salt. We know how they really feel. More: USA Today

Double dick-tator
Well yesterday was another appalling day in the Oval Office as Trump and his psycho cronies sat with a Central American dictator, attacking the American press and making a mockery of a Supreme Court ruling demanding the return of Kilmar Abrego Garcia. Both Trump and his El Salvadoran bootlick agreed that they would not be releasing Garcia despite a 9-0 Supreme Court ruling ordering Trump to “facilitate” Garcia’s release from custody. This is the crisis. It’s here. Free Garcia! More: NBC News

Today’s clips
Former President Barack Obama on Monday praised Harvard University for its decision to defy the demands made by the Trump administration for the institution to maintain federal funding, calling the government’s effort an “unlawful and ham-handed attempt to stifle academic freedom.” More: HuffPost

Former President Joe Biden returns to the national stage Tuesday to elevate liberal concerns that President Donald Trump’s agenda is threatening the health of Social Security. More: HuffPost

The former Columbia University student arrested on campus and scheduled for deportation has filed evidence that shows claims underlying the government's case are dubious. More: NBC News

Sarah Palin is headed to court against The New York Times once again Tuesday in a second trial amid eight years of litigation over an opinion article that Palin alleges knowingly defamed her. More: NBC News