Turd alert

It’s Thursday. There are 690 days until the midterm elections. Manchinema screws us one last time, Chris Wray slithers away and Dark Brandon goes big on compassion.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Today it’s even using some towards its own party.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We hope this cussing newsletter finds you well and promising to circle back after the holidays. Unfortunately the dumbshit factory is still cranking out dumb shit. And what makes that dumb shit infinitely worse is when we see Democrats we have believed in, fought for and funded trying to buddy up to some truly terrifying and truly fucking awful people.

Here’s a crazy and totally unnecessary and absolutely true story. When Sam played soccer in high school, it was a long time ago and there was still hazing. The varsity dudes would wedgie the hell out of the junior varsity dudes. If you don’t know what a wedgie is — and how could that be possible? — it’s when one or more people grab the back of your underwear and yank that shit toward the sky until you see stars or your taint and whole entire body rip in half. As a freshman in high school, Sam was warned that he should never wear boxers to practice or an away game (they don’t rip as easily). He was also warned to not get caught cutting his underwear, or making little cuts in the waistband so it would rip immediately when the wedgie started. This was the worst thing you could do. Because if the big guys caught you doing this, then you got the dreaded “brown nose.” This cruel and disgusting ritual involved one of the older boys putting his actual butthole on your nose. In four years of high school soccer, Sam never actually saw this happen so it was probably just a disturbing myth. But the wedgies were oh so real.

The point of that fucked up story is this — Democrats who cut their underwear are gonna get a butthole to the face. We already got wedgied. We don’t need our faces rubbed in shit to boot. So let’s collect our dignity and get back out on the goddamn field. It’s time to fight. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This morning Trump was named Time’s Person of the Year. It’s pretty fucking gross, but it makes sense when you think about it…

Note three: Trump invited the president of China to his inauguration. Can you imagine how the dumbasses on the right would scream and howl if a Democrat did this? More: CBS

Note four: Goddamnit. Kari Lake ended up getting a job. She’s going to turn Voice of America into a Trump propaganda machine. So that sucks. More: CNN

Note five: We’ve always known Mark Zuckerberg is a pathetic little weenie. But watching him go full-on Trump kiss-ass with a $1 million to the inauguration should make us all think long and hard about whether we want to keep our Meta accounts. And congratulations to the New York Times, which told us a few weeks ago that Zuckerberg “is done with politics.” Idiots. More: AP News

Note six: Someone want to explain to this turtle-lookin’ motherfucker just how much he has helped create this nightmare?

Note seven: Nancy Mace is such a filthy goddamn liar. She walked around Capitol Hill with a brace on her arm yesterday even though witnesses said the foster youth advocate simply shook her hand. You’d think Republicans would be embarrassed by this shit. More: NBC

Note eight: North Carolina Republicans just completed a massive power grab that basically undid the last election. It’s stunning really. They lost the guv and AG’s races so they basically just stole the power those two offices have. Why does that party hate this country and everything it stands for so damn much? More: NPR

Note nine: The South Korean president has gone from apologizing for declaring martial law to claiming he had to order the military to drag lawmakers away from voting. It’s pretty messed up and just the kind of instability you want when a dictator idiot is about to lead America. More: Reuters

Note 10: Trump is basically the con-artist from Pete’s Dragon but without the charm…

Note 11: According to Semafor, Ro Khanna “thinks the ‘just resist Trump’ faction has been discredited.” On behalf of the 75 million Americans who are resisting Trump, fuck that shit.

Note 12: This drone story in New Jersey is so weird. We promise it’s not us. We think it’s aliens trying to get the hell out of here before the inauguration. More: CNN

Note 13: Trump is going to let ICE start raiding churches, schools and hospitals. Congrats to everyone who thought this was just bluster. Seems like a good opportunity for Democrats to be talking to Latino voters instead of kissing Elon Leon’s ass. More: NBC

Note 14: Trump is reportedly canceling a $1 trillion contract for F-35s even though Lockheed-Martin is denying it. This is a tricky one. And it’s just impossible to ever think Trump or Elon Leon are doing the right thing. More: Defense Blog

Note 15: Elton John has gone pro-Trump and anti-weed. What the fuck, dude? We won’t lie. This one hurts.

Note 16: House Republicans (along with 81 Democrats) just screwed over military members who have trans kids. This shit is so mean and so unnecessary. More: NBC

Note 17: Don’t worry, everybody. Susan Collins met with Pete Hegseth yesterday and oh goddamnit. More: Jezebel

Note 18: We are so here for Dark Elizabeth Warren. Git ‘em, Liz. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, here is Kevin McCarthy getting read to filth for being a total ass-kissing loser…

Note 20: And on that satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are doing a good job of getting the metaphorical underwear out of your metaphorical buttcrack. Remember — don’t cut; fight. Love y’all!

Turd alert

Kirsten Sinema hasn’t showed up to her job and voted since Thanksgiving. But she made it a point to be there yesterday to join Joe Manchin in blocking Democrats from extending Democratic control of the National Labor Relations Board. It was as if both of these soulless fuckers just wanted one more chance to screw over working people before Trump and his billionaires finish the job. We’ve always know these two buttheads hated the people who elected them, but this is just shitty. Good riddance.

More: Axios

Wray to go

FBI Director Chris Wray is exactly the gutless chickenshit we thought he was. It first became obvious in the days and weeks after Jan. 6 when Wray basically went missing. But now we know for sure as he just announced he will resign as director and clear the way for Trump to appoint whomever he wants. After Watergate, the tenure of the director position was changed to be a 10-year term to avoid politicization. Guess we’re done with that shit. Unfortunately for Wray, he won’t get to just crawl away. Trump immediately attacked him on Truth Social and Gym Jordan said he still plans to investigate. So once again, the only way out of this shit is to fight.

More: AP News

Thank you, Joe

A lof of folks were mad about the Hunter Biden pardon because Joe hadn’t extended that grace to others. Well he has now. This morning the White House announced a record 1,500 commutations and 39 pardons of non-violent crimes. This is the good stuff we’ve been waiting for. Hell, keep going. People who deserve mercy aren’t going to get it from Trump and his corrupt and cruel Justice Department. This is the only chance for a lot of people. Go big, Dark Brandon.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

A Republican former House member and three current members of Congress from Utah invited a Jan. 6 defendant to President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration, according to a letter filed by the defendant's lawyer. More: NBC

A Montana law banning gender-affirming medical care for transgender minors will remain temporarily blocked, the state Supreme Court ruled Wednesday, after justices unanimously agreed with a lower court judge who found the law likely violates the state’s constitutional right to privacy. More: AP News

In legacy mode, outgoing President Joe Biden’s White House is warning the Republicans who are about to take power against repealing his biggest achievements. More: NBC