Trump’s kidnapping accomplice

It’s Monday. There are 568 days until the midterm elections. Sending love to Pennsylvania, ignoring SCOTUS and a visit from Trump’s kidnapping accomplice.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. You will be too in about three seconds.

Note: Sexy Patriots, it’s so great to see you today! We missed y’all over the weekend and we thought we’d express that longing by diving right into a story about Trump’s colonoscopy. Happy Monday!

Groan. We’re so sorry. That’s such a shitty thing to do to y’all first thing at the start of the work week. But we thought it was important to share with you because we also wanted to share this transcript from the operating room when Trump got his last colonoscopy. Don’t ask us how we got this…

Doctor: Ok nurse, let’s go ahead and OH DEAR GOD!

Nurse: What is it, doctor?

Doctor: He’s… he’s…

Nurse: What?!

Doctor: He’s all asshole!

Nurse: What?!

Doctor: He’s more rectum than man!

Nurse: Doctor, you’re not making sense.

Doctor: You don’t understand. I can’t do the procedure. He’s not a person. He’s just a giant anus that looks like a person. I can’t examine his asshole because he is one hundred percent asshole!

Nurse: That explains a lot, actually. Especially the smell.

Wow. What a scene. And entirely believable, unlike that horseshit about him winning golf tournaments and being 6’3” 224. Because while we are not doctors, we do enjoy playing doctor. And we can tell you that man is, in fact, a total asshole. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: All kidding aside, please make sure you are on top of getting your regularly scheduled colonoscopies. We love you, and it’s important. And get it from a real doctor. There’s a lot of freaks out there these days.

Note three: Not only is this country treating a college student like a terrorist, but Trump and Rubio are damn proud of doing so. What kind of chickenshit country is afraid of ideas? More: ProPublica

Note four: Trump is demanding the FCC investigate and shut down CBS because he doesn’t like the reporting that 60 Minutes is doing. It’s good to know that the next Democratic president can do this to the Fox News fuckheads. More: Associated Press

Note five: We don’t ever use AI to write this newsletter because we think it’s lazy, cheap and gross. Shouldn’t the mayor of New York City have the same standards? Or at least not be a sexual harassing Trump scumbag?

Note six: Shaq spent the weekend saying hi to Trump and posing for photos with RFK Jr. We’re guessing they all talked about the joys of fatherhood. Just kidding. Let’s hope Shaq goes and fucks right off and then eats all the shit. More: Athlon Sports

Note seven: Speaking of limp-dick celebs who are total frauds, Bill Maher said he had a lovely time having dinner with Trump but got big mad when it was accurately pointed out to him that he was just a cheap prop. Bill Maher sucks. More: Mediaite

Note eight: On the list of things we don’t give a hairy rat’s ass about, a bunch of rich ladies going to space for five minutes has to be near the top. This country needs a good ol’ fashioned revolution. More: CNN

Note nine: Trump moved the White House portrait of Obama and replaced it with a photo from his assassination attempt. We’re not really into conspiracy theories, but we increasingly believe that Butler was bullshit. More: Associated Press

Note 10: Ok this is pretty funny…

Note 11: As his buddy Putin continues to bomb civilians, Trump has a new line of defense for his Russian pal, telling reporters and then repeating on Truth Social that Putin’s attack “is Biden’s war, not mine.” He then went on to attack Zelensky and Biden for “allowing this travesty to begin.” He had no criticisms for the guy dropping the bombs. More: Kyiv Independent

Note 12: Part of the reason Trump is so mad at 60 Minute is because they interviewed Zelensky, who told the show that Vance and Putin are obviously falling for Russian propaganda. Zelensky then invited Trump to come to Ukraine. Unfortunately, Trump is a wuss and that ain’t happening. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Is it good that more than 60 percent of CEOs now expect a recession in the next six months? Are we great again? More: CNBC

Note 14: Y’all have heard us say it before, but the resistance ain’t dead. Yesterday, AOC and Bernie had 20,000 people show up in Utah. The day before that, 36,000 showed up in downtown Los Angeles (Sam was there and can report it was a righteous gathering). More: The New Republic

Note 15: There were a lot of great clips from this weekend’s gatherings, but we have to show some love to Rep. Maxwell Frost on the drums…

Note 16: Need a laugh? Check out this story about Trump giving Cheryl Hines the cold shoulder. Sucks for Cheryl. More: The Independent

Note 17: Trump’s approval rating and marks for handling the economy are down. It’s almost like the guy with the worst jobs record since Herbert Hoover is a pretty shitty president. Who could’ve guessed? More: USA Today

Note 18: You know how the stock market was relieved that Trump made a tariff exception for electronics? Well last night he said there are no exceptions. Nobody knows what is happening here, and that includes the president of the United States. Oddly, the stock market seems to just be ignoring him. More: CBS News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just want to wish good luck to all the women in tonight’s WNBA draft. Everything sucks, but at least we still have sports. Good luck! More: ESPN

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and are ready for some really stupid shit to happen this week. And since the Happy Ending was all nice and stuff, here’s Sam’s favorite sign from this weekend’s protest. Love y’all!

Actual antisemitism
Donald Trump has been very busy going to UFC fights and screaming in the middle of the night about 60 Minutes. He has not, however, found the time to condemn the firebombing of the governor’s mansion in Pennsylvania. Gov. Josh Shapiro and his family were awakened by cops Friday night – after their Passover dinner – and informed that their house was on fire. A man who said he hates Shapiro, jumped the fence and set the fire with molotov cocktails. He told police he wanted to beat Shapiro with a hammer. Gosh, wonder where he got that idea. We’re sending love to the guv and wishing we had a president who was actually concerned by this kind of violence instead of being happy to spread it. More: Associated Press, CNN

This is bad
Late last week, the Supreme Court said the Trump administration needed to “facilitate” the release from custody of a poor guy these cruel idiots sent to an El Salvadoran gulag by mistake. The Trump administration is refusing to comply. Basically they’re just lying and saying that they have no way to get Kilmar Abrego Garcia out of prison because they gave him to El Salvador, which is an independent country. Yeah, this just keeps getting worse. They are deliberately defying a Supreme Court order. They are also disappearing people to El Salvador for life sentences despite not being convicted of any crimes. More: CNN

A visit from the accomplice
Of course Trump could just ask his buddy, the strongman president of El Salvador, to release the people who have been sent to the hellhole by mistake. Nayib Bukele will visit the White House today. Bukele has really enjoyed trolling our judges on social media, and he is basically the kind of asshole who would fit right in with DOGE or one of Vance’s couch-fucking parties. This is one of those days we could really use a functional White House press corps. Unfortunately, that ain’t happening. More: Axios

Today’s clips
The Wall Street Journal issued a scathing assessment of President Donald Trump’s ever-shifting trade policy, warning that American consumers are now facing a triple whammy under his tariff plan. More: HuffPost

Members of Congress are back in their districts for a two-week recess, potentially bracing for more anger from constituents.

But voters in Republican districts might not have much of a chance to question their representatives. More: NBC News

When Massachusetts resident Nicole Micheroni received an email on Friday from the federal government telling her to leave the country, she was baffled. More: NBC News

Hedge-fund billionaire Ray Dalio, who predicted the 2008 financial crisis, is warning that President Donald Trump’s extensive tariffs combined with other factors could drive the economy to the brink. More: HuffPost

A reporter on Air Force One called President Donald Trump out for calling Russia’s “Palm Sunday Attack” on Ukraine a “mistake,” asking if the president was claiming the attack was “unintentional?” More: Mediaite

Trump Golf Track (visit, bluesky)