Trump’s best friend Jeffrey Epstein

It’s Wednesday. There are 475 days until the midterm elections. Trump tries to rig the midterms, the Marines retreat from Los Angeles and the tape of Trump’s best friend Epstein was altered.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But we’re guessing Trump has used more this week. Because he was Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend.

Breaking: This just happened…

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, it’s only Wednesday, but we’re starting to believe this story about Donald Trump’s best friend Jeffrey Epstein isn’t going anywhere. And one big reason for that is Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend Donald Trump. The more this guilty sonofabitch talks about his best friend Jeffrey Epstein, the more we’re convinced this sonofabitch is guilty. Just look at this extremely not innocent shit…

LOL! Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend Donald Trump seems freaked the eff out! Boring? Never a big factor in terms of life? Pretty bad people? We’ve never seen that sweaty a-hole sweat like that, and all he does is sweat and fuck things up. We had basically begun to believe that justice was a myth and satire was deader than disco. But if Trump gets swallowed whole by the QAnon freaks he coddled and nurtured, then we’re so back, baby. And not to mention there’s the whole the-president-might-have-raped-and-trafficked-children aspect to the story that demands serious investigation on top of the endless mockery and ridicule. Yeah, Trump is pissing his pants, and it’s probably more than the usual amount.

So whatever you’re doing to keep people talking about Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump and Donald Trump’s best friend Jeffrey Epstein, keep it up. Because Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend Donald Trump is losing his shit, and we’re enjoying every last damn second of it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Even Fox News was talking Epstein last night, and they’ve avoided it like they’re on the list which they probably are. More: Mediaite

Note three: There were stories yesterday about how Mike Little Johnson and other Republicans were breaking with Trump on his best friend Epstein. But the reality is they voted to block Democratic efforts to release the files. It looks like it will be Thomas Massie who forces legislation to the floor for a vote. We hate that Trump has us rooting for this asshole, but here we are. More: Axios

Note four: Trump’s thugs arrested and indicted Rep. LaMonica McIver. She just set some fundraising records. Suck it, Trump. More: Mediaite

Note five: This is a joke only a nazi asshole could love. Fortunately, the person telling it is a nazi asshole.

Note six: Since the cast of Andor got royally fucked, we won’t be discussing the Emmy nominations. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Republicans are barreling ahead with more sick and disgusting spending cuts, but they appear to be sparing PEPFAR, which has saved millions of lives in Africa. It’s literally the only good thing George W. Bush ever did, and we’re relieved to see it will continue. More: NBC News

Note eight: Trump said his uncle taught the unabomber at MIT. Except the Unabomber didn’t go to MIT. What a weird and stupid thing to lie about. More: Mediaite

Note nine: Is it just us or is it taking forever and a fucking day for George Santos to actually go to prison? He smeared Kevin Spacey yesterday and ewwww we don’t want to talk about this anymore. More: Yahoo

Note 10: Rep. Jasmine Crockett was flat out cooking yesterday. Thank goodness someone is saying this stuff.

Note 11: LOLOL! There are MAGA meatheads who want Matt Gaetz to investigate Epstein. That’s like sending Matt Gaetz to host To Catch a Predator. In both cases, he’s already there! More: The Hill

Note 12: This sucks a big one. You know how Biden got medical debt removed from credit scores? Well some limp-dick shithead Trump judge just reversed it. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Great news, everybody! Grok is going to stop calling itself Hitler. This sure is a welcome breakthrough but also shouldn’t it be really fucking basic that an AI program doesn’t start fucking calling itself Hitler in the first place?! More: The Verge

Note 14: The Cryptkeeper’s great-grandpappy Chuck Grassley is telling Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee to kiss his dusty ass as he moves ahead with Thursday’s vote to condemn Trump henchman Emil Bove. More: The Hill

Note 15: This is too damn funny. And too damn real.

Note 16: Yesterday we reported that Melania had changed Trump’s tune on Ukraine. We should’ve known he would still fuck it up. His 50-day ultimatum? It’s a big gift to Putin. More: Associated Press

Note 17: This is classic Josh Hawley. He voted to cut Medicaid, and now he’s introducing legislation to stop Medicaid cuts. It’s like that time he helped start a violent coup and then ran away like a total wuss. More: The Hill

Note 18: More than 60 percent of Americans hate the bill Republicans just passed. And the other 40 percent are either private jet owners or just complete fucking morons. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we are happy to share that Narciso Barranco, the father of three Marines who was taken by ICE and beaten, has been released. Of course the real happy ending would be if this dude sued ICE until they were broke as a fucking joke.

Note 20: And on that welcome but infuriating note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week. And if you’re not, just remember that you weren’t best friends with Jeffrey Epstein like Trump was. Love y’all!

A Texas rigging
Trump’s plans to cheat and rig the midterms are starting to come into view. His first effort is going to be for states like Texas to redistrict their congressional maps and get rid of minority seats that usually go to Democrats. Trump is openly bragging to the press about his plan to squeeze five seats out of Texas (not happening) and in five other states. To his credit, Gavin Newsom took a break from doing more bro podcasts to let Republicans know that California will follow suit and redraw maps to get rid of Republican seats. We’re gonna need other blue state governors to do the same. Or maybe the courts could stop this lawless lunacy. We’re just kidding. More: Politico, ABC7

GTFO
Unlike Republicans, we actually do support the troops. That’s why we’re thrilled to see 2,000 troops being withdrawn from Los Angeles where they never should have fucking been in the first place. While there are still an estimated 2,000 National Guard troops doing jack shit in L.A., Passed Out Pete Hegseth sounded the retreat yesterday for the other half of the troops to retreat. Sounds to us like Karen Bass and some badass Angelenos just defeated the U.S. military. Ok so that’s a silly oversimplification but what the fuck did they accomplish other than pissing us off royally? More: NBC News

Whoa
So this whole Epstein thing has been weird for us. We usually assume conspiracy theories are bullshit because they require competence and discretion to pull off and those two things are hard to come by. But the more Trump and his team have fucked up the Epstein stuff, the more we’ve become convinced Trump is guilty as hell. Aside from the inconsistencies and flat out lies, there is the fact that the tape of Epstein’s final moments was altered. Wired, which is doing better journalism than any of the big papers and networks, found that the metadata for the recording revealed that about 2 minutes and 53 seconds were removed from two clips that were “stitched together.” So yeah, even if we didn’t believe this shit before, we sure as hell do now. And we want some fucking answers. More: Wired

Today’s clips
The family of Jabari Peoples, a Black Alabama college student fatally shot by police, is demanding answers as authorities continue to withhold body-camera footage of the incident. More: HuffPost

Seemingly unfazed by President Donald Trump's 50-day ultimatumto end the fighting, Russia launched hundreds of drones and missile strikes on six Ukrainian regions overnight, officials in the country said. More: NBC News

Torrential rain and thunderstorms are expected to threaten much of the eastern and central United States with flash flooding throughout the rest of this week, forecasters warned, as parts of the country, from Texas to New Jersey, continued to battle fast-rising floodwaters on Tuesday. More: NBC News

NewsNation anchor Leland Vittert derailed Bill O’Reilly with a brutal on-air fact-check Monday night as he attempted to attack the Biden administration over the Jeffrey Epstein case. More: Mediaite

The Department of Homeland Security resumed third-country deportation flights Tuesday by sending five immigrant detainees, all from different countries, to the small nation of Eswatini in southern Africa. More: NBC News

The latest from Adam