Trump tries to block Jack Smith’s report

Today’s Big Stuff. January 7, 2025.

It’s Tuesday. There are 665 days until the midterm elections. Facebook goes super orange, Trump tries to block Jack Smith’s report and the VP does the right thing dammit.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s the only thing keeping it from totally losing its shit.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! It’s great to see your hot and freedom-loving asses today, even if everything around us sucks complete horse taint. Well almost everything. We wanted to take a second to say thank you to everyone who congratulated us on the 150,000 subscriber milestone yesterday. We’ve welcomed a whole lot of new Sexy Patriots to the team since the election, and so we thought this would be a good time to reintroduce ourselves.

We’re a cussing newsletter, and we mostly cuss out fascist racist rapist pig Donald Trump and the irredeemable shit-eating scum who kiss his orange ass. We like Dolly Parton, the Peanuts, basketball and American democracy. But what we love — what we really fucking deeply and romantically love — is making fun of human urine stain Rudy Giuliani…

First of all, WHAT THE FUCK?! He looks like a Halloween jack-o-lantern at Christmas! Thank god that ain’t a scratch-and-sniff! Second of all, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Everything is going to hell, y’all, but at least ol’ Doodie Pooliani is getting there first! Let us all inhale his endless misery and let it sustain us!

We are endlessly grateful to Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss for putting that degenerate human skidmark in the gutter where he belongs. When this newsletter started years ago, it frequently made fun of Rudy for marrying his cousin. That is somehow no longer in the Top 10 of Giuliani disgraces. Please continue to delight us with your public humiliation and decrepit soul, Rudy, and let us all enjoy it while we can until he steps on a rake and craps himself into oblivion. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you’re feeling down today, take heart in knowing that a right-wing racist neo-nazi died. Try not to think about the fact that he lived to be 96. More: CNN

Note three: If you’re drinking coffee, please go ahead and swallow. And now we can safely tell you that Jeff Bezos is paying Melania $40 million for that ridiculous Amazon documentary. Where’s he gonna get all those ones?! More: Daily Mail

Note four: We’ve never felt so sorry for anyone as we do for the people of Greenland. Not only is Trump trying to buy their country, but he’s also sending Don Jr. there. Hide your cocaine, Greenland! More: CBS News

Note five: Congrats or something, America…

Note six: Everything is awful and scary, but Tom Holland and Zendaya got engaged so love is still very much alive. More: People

Note seven: How bad are things at the Washington Post? The people who aren’t fleeing just got laid off. Their owner must be struggling or just a corrupt little chickenshit. More: New York Times

Note eight: We sure hope y’all are staying safe in all the snow. Remember to just pay some kid to shovel your shit because no driveway is worth a damn heart attack.

Note nine: Trump is supposed to be sentenced in his hush money case Friday. So today he asked an appellate court to throw it out. He really doesn’t want to be a convicted felon. More: Reuters

Note 10: And now a break for a brief play…

VP Harris: Hey Mike! Congratulations!

Mike Johnson: For winning the election?

VPH: No, for winning the award for having the world’s tiniest and least used weiner.

MJ: I’m gonna tell my orange daddy on you!

VPH: Who do you think announced the award?

Note 11: Did y’all see that fucking asshole refuse to shake the VP’s hand yesterday? More: Huff Post

Note 12: Thank you to President Biden for trying to protect the environment before Trump kills us all. More: USA Today

Note 13: Vice President Harris announced a new rule that will prevent credit agencies from including medical debt. It’s yet another thing that will improve like for Americans that they didn’t give a shit about. More: 19th News

Note 14: Did y’all see this dude who might have set a surfing record for biggest wave ever by taking on a 108-foot monster? Not to brag, but Sam was on that swell too. It was just 104 feet shorter when he went after it. More: Sports Illustrated

Note 15: You’re not imagining it. There is an actual war on liberals in this country…

Note 16: McDonald’s caved to racist assholes. It makes us feel even better about our decision to abstain from the McRib this year. More: Associated Press

Note 17: Don’t look now, but Republicans are about to steal an election in North Carolina by throwing out 60,000 legitimate votes. More: WRAL

Note 18: Keeping President Carter in our hearts as his body is flown to Washington to lie in state. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the TBS spirit animal in DC yesterday. Y’all, this is the energy we’re gonna need…

Note 20: And on that defiant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are digging out of the holiday chill zone and staying warm. And if not, just thank dog that you’re not Rudy Giuliani. Love y’all!

Fuck Zuck
Facebook has always been Trump, but now those assholes have gone full orange. This morning Mark Zuckerberg announced that the social media site is going to go the Elon Leon route and get rid of fact-checkers, allow anti-trans and anti-immigrant attacks and move from California to Texas. Oh and yesterday Zuck announced that wife-beater Dana White is joining the website’s board. That means that Twitter, the Washington Post, the L.A. Times, Amazon and Facebook have all announced plans to surrender to Trumpism. We’ve been joking for years about how this fucked up newsletter is gonna have to be the media, but it’s starting to feel like less of a joke. More: CNN

He’s scared
Last night, Trump panicked and tried to get Judge Aileen Cannon to block Jack Smith’s report on Trump’s crimes. Trump also demanded that Merrick Garland not release the report to the public. It really sucks how worried we are that Merrick will listen to Trump. Apparently the orange asshead has seen the report on Trump’s criminal activity and he wants to make sure the American people do not. Smith has compiled a two-volume report, but he said that Garland hasn’t decided what to do with it. Anyone else wishing right now that Merrick Garland wasn’t softer than baby shit? More: NBC News

Yay, high road!
Kamala Harris didn’t try to overturn the election yesterday. Yeah, we were bummed too. But VP Harris did her constitutional duty and certified the election results as president of the Senate, having to sit next to Keebler kiss-ass Mike Johnson as she did. It fucking sucks being the party that does the right thing while the other party is flinging its shit at us, but this is who we chose to be. There is some comfort in that. But maybe it’s time to start breaking some rules. More: ABC News

Today’s clips
House Speaker Mike Johnson is laying out a highly ambitious strategy to answer President-elect Donald Trump’s call to pass his agenda in “one big, beautiful bill” — a plan that will test the limits of his wafer-thin Republican majority. More: NBC News

Actor Aubrey Plaza addressed her husband Jeff Baena’s death in a joint statement with his family Monday, two days after officials announced his sudden passing. More: Huff Post

Two prisoners who are among the 37 federal inmates whose death sentences were commuted last month by President Joe Biden — a move that spares them from the death chamber — have taken an unusual stance: They're refusing to sign paperwork accepting his clemency action. More: NBC News