Trump take iPhone📱

Happy Friday. There are 529 days until the midterm elections. Trump takes our iPhones, his administration takes our boosters and Harvard fights back.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it feels so goddamn good.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Congrats on making it through another shitty week here in Trumpland. And what a week it was filled with fucking over kids and poor people, accepting bribes from Qatar and about a billion other horrible things. But we want to draw extra special attention to President Shithead’s extra-mega-corrupt crypto dinner last night. We know we talked about it yesterday, but this is seriously fucked up…

Phew. We’re so relieved. It’s ok, everybody! Karoline says it’s totally legit for people to pay millions and millions of dollars to get access to a president known for his love of bribes. Well we went inside to get the real scoop and spoke to one of the attendees from last night’s dinner. Here now is Shady Richard…

Us: Hey Shady Richard.

Shady Richard: Hey guys! Love the newsletter! Want to buy some official White House silverware?

Us: What?! No! Do you know where that’s been? Also, what the hell are you doing selling White House silverware? What if the president finds out?

SR: Oh he already knows. I have to split the profits with him.

Us: Well that’s fucked up. What else does he have you selling?

SR: The Obama portrait, the White House rugs, America’s national dignity, Melania, our children’s futures and the East Room. Oh and some crypto. I almost forgot about the crypto.

Us: Cool. We’re gonna go throw up now. Take it easy, Shady Dick.

That was supposed to be funny and it got away from us. But also maybe we should all chip in and buy the East Room just to keep it from becoming Don Jr.’s dojo or some shit. Y’all have a blessed day. More: NBC News

Note two: We had a fucking blast hanging out with y’all on Substack Live yesterday. Adam has even convinced Sam to make it a weekly thing. Thank you to everyone who tuned in!

Note three: Hey you know those photos Trump used to attack the president of South Africa? Well one of them was actually from the fucking Congo. Imagine the coverage if Joe Biden did that shit. More: The Guardian

Note four: The Trump people might be classless scum, but at least they have no class. The DHS secretary is now telling Americans to “suck it.” No thanks, dog-killer. More: Newsweek

Note five: Bono is calling out Netanyahu. Is it just us or has Bono been totally off the grid for a while? More: The Guardian

Note six: CNN’s already shit ratings have fallen off a cliff. Guess nobody wants to watch Jake Tapper commit elder abuse.

Note seven: Trump appears to be the first pro-cancer president we’ve ever had. And it makes sense since he’s a cancer on everything decent about our country. More: Axios

Note eight: Well this is comforting. The new head of Social Security says he had to google the job to know what it was. Best people, right? More: ABC News

Note nine: Our broken and corrupt Supreme Court is just making shit up now. They ruled in favor of Trump firing people from independent boards like the NLRB but said the Fed is off-limits. As Justice Kagan points out, there is zero legal rationale for this and it’s obvious the conservative justices are just trying to keep their idiot hero from destroying the economy. More: CNBC

Note 10: If you’ve had breakfast, you might not want to look at this. It might make you hurl.

Note 11: Remember that brave patriot who spit on Ed Martin? Well they’re hitting her with federal felonies. The ironic thing is that it’s the closest Ed has come to taking a bath in years. More: The Hill

Note 12: We’ve mostly tried to stay away from this because YIKES but y’all gotta read this crazy shit about Nancy Mace. More: Yahoo

Note 13: Media Matters for America is a crucial institution that does good work. That’s why Elon Leon has been trying to destroy them in court. Well now he has the Trump administration doing his dirty work for him. Give ‘em hell, MMFA! More: The New Republic

Note 14: Well this ain’t great. Trump has $600 million already to spend on the midterms and other elections. Of course Elon Leon has a shitload of money too and we still stomped his creepy ass in Wisconsin. More: Associated Press

Note 15: We’re really in a self-promotion groove this morning, so please enjoy this other clip from our live chat yesterday:)

full live chat:

Note 16: James Comer is trying to make Biden’s doctor testify. Congrats again to Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson. We hope you’re happy, you soulless fucking ghouls. More: The Hill

Note 17: It turns out that Republicans believing in states’ rights was bullshit. Yeah, who could’ve guessed? They’re going after California for trying to save the planet and destroying the filibuster in the process. More: The Guardian

Note 18: Let’s not forget that Trump and his cronies are trying to put a sitting Congresswoman in prison. As The Intercept points out, the mainstream media really doesn’t give a fuck. More: The Intercept

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, here are some Americans loving Joe Biden even as the media tries to gnaw on his bones.

Note 20: And on that uplifting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an awesome weekend. Try to unplug and look away from all the scary shit. Love y’all!

$100,000 iPhone
After having a super corrupt dinner last night, Trump woke up today and decided to fuck with the stock market again. In a couple of dumbfuck social media posts, Trump attacked Tim Cook and Apple and said he’d hit them with tariffs if they didn’t start making iPhones in the U.S. He then went on to insult and lie about the EU again, suggesting 50 percent tariffs against them. So it’s just more stupid trade war stuff from an absolute moron who doesn’t care how many people he hurts. More: CNBC

Brain worm bullshit
RFK Jr. said during his confirmation that anyone who has wanted a vaccine can get one. Well now he and the FDA are changing that. These fucking morons have decided that anyone under 65 can’t get the booster. The head of the FDA even said in front of Congress yesterday that Americans don’t want the shot. Um, we fucking do. We also want to live in a country where we have that choice instead of having the stupidest sonsofbitches on the planet making that decision for us. More: Stat News

Go Harvard! (it’s so weird to say that)
We just never in a million years thought we’d be rooting this hard for the smaht kids at Harvard. But here we are. Yesterday Trump and that puppy-killer lady went nuclear in their war against the university, cutting off the school’s ability to enroll international students and telling those students they must immediately enroll elsewhere. It’s hard to describe how fucking cruel this is to those kids and how dumb and self-defeating this is for the U.S. The good news is it’s probably illegal as all hell and Harvard is fighting back. This morning the school announced a lawsuit to stop this insane shit. So yeah, go Harvard! More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
Detained Palestinian activist Mahmoud Khalil was allowed to hold his 1-month-old son for the first time Thursday after a federal judge blocked the Trump administration’s efforts to keep the father and infant separated by a plexiglass barrier. More: Huff Post

The future queen of Belgium may face complications pursuing her master's degree at Harvard amid the Trump administration's move on Thursday to ban the Ivy League school from enrolling international students. More: NBC News

Just days before their lives were cut short by gunfire outside the Capital Jewish Museum in Washington, Israeli Embassy staffer Yaron Lischinsky had purchased an engagement ring that he intended to give to his girlfriend and colleague, Sarah Milgrim. More: NBC News

The latest from Adam