Trump surrenders

It’s Monday. There are 540 days until the midterm elections. Tough guy surrenders to China, Republicans want 14 million to lose health coverage and Trump welcomes the whites.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Because holy fucking shit the president is getting bribed with a damn airplane!

Some breaking news as we are sending this:

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we couldn’t save this one for the news section. Trump taking a bribe from Qatar in the form of a “palace in the sky” is corruption so fucking shocking that it made our eyes do that cartoon pop-out shit. We’re not even kidding. We had to go to the doctor to get them put back in. It was awful. So be careful when you look at this dirty shit…

FUCKING SERIOUSLY? They made Jimmy Carter get rid of his fucking peanut farm! Trump is the most corrupt sonofabitch in history. He’s an artist at being a con-artist. And this is his fucking Mona Lisa. To learn more and share our outrage, we went straight to the source. So here’s an interview with Qatar…

Us: Hey so what the hell?

Qatar: Hey guys! Love the newsletter! Would you like us to buy it and your souls for a plane?

Us: Seriously? Wait. We mean fuck no and fuck you!

Qatar: Dang. Almost had you. Trump said yes before we even made the offer. He just called us up and said, and I quote, “gimme, gimme, gimme.” It sounded like he was eating something at the time. Really grossed us out.

Us: So you think you can just buy our country?

Qatar: Your country? Probably not. Your president? Most definitely. And for shockingly cheap.

Us: Damn. Well are you at least booby-trapping it?

Qatar: Yes. We’re disabling the bathroom fan. All who fly shall suffer.

That was our best shot at mocking the painfully open corruption of the American president. And frankly, we don’t know what else to say about something this fucked up. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We have some really good news for you today — Trump is leaving the country. Yes, it’s true that he’s going to the Middle East to do some more corrupt shit and yeah he’ll probably come back at some point, but let’s take a second to celebrate a Trump-free country while we can. More: CNN

Note three: On Friday, grad student Rumeysa Ozturk was finally released from custody. She was in jail for six weeks without being charged for writing a fucking op-ed. What kind of gutless cowardly country fears young women writing op-eds? More: The Guardian

Note four: We might not get updated covid shots this fall because the people running our health agencies are fucking idiots. More: HuffPost

Note five: LOL! Only CNN could compare Trump to Mao and make it sound like a good thing.

Note six: Elon Leon has been poisoning Black people in Memphis. Everyone pretend to be shocked. More: Politico

Note seven: On Friday, neo-nazi skidmark Stephen Miller said the administration is considering suspending the writ of habeas corpus. This is a massive red line. And so of course Republican senators were too gutless to oppose it this weekend. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Trump announced a bullshit plan to lower prescription drug prices. Joe Biden actually lowered prescription drug prices. If only Americans could tell the fucking difference. More: CNBC

Note nine: So if you’re flying anywhere anytime soon, good luck. Our Secretary of Transportation is basically telling us it ain’t safe but he doesn’t seem to be doing much to fix it. Unless going on Fox News fixes airports. More: Associated Press

Note 10: C’mon, Philippines. This is the kind of dumb shit we would do!

Note 11: What the hell? Vanity Fair has a kiss-ass profile of Greg Gutfeld. So guess we’re done reading Vanity Fair. More: NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 12: Some quick television recommendations. The Four Seasons on Netflix is a delightful escape. Andor on Disney is powerful, relevant and one of the best shows we’ve ever seen. Also, the movies of Melissa McCarthy are great for getting through these times.

Note 13: Gavin Newsom REALLY wants the Republican vote and REALLY doesn’t seem to get how much he’s lost ours. More: Newsweek

Note 14: THANK YOU to Gov. JB Pritzker for signing an executive order to protect autistic people in his state from the brainworm butthead’s fucking registry. Someone show this shit to Gavin. More: MSNBC

Note 15: How American is the new pope? Well he’s got one cool brother and one brother who goes on social media to push idiotic and gross right-wing lies. So he’s really American.

Note 16: We wrote on Friday about how DHS arrested the mayor of Newark. But they didn’t stop there. Trump officials have also been threatening to arrest the members of Congress who were there. This is why we love AOC. Her response? Bring it on. More: MSN

Note 17: Trump is trying so hard to look mad at Putin for not wanting the war to end. We’ve reached the point of hoping that Trump actually is Putin’s puppet. Because otherwise he’s even dumber than we thought. More: Politico

Note 18: This story is a few days old, but it’s sooooooo goddamn funny. There are hundreds of those fugly cybertrucks just collecting rust because nobody wants to buy that shit. LOL! More: Vice

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well this post from our friend Brett made us laugh out loud, so we’re sharing it with you.

Note 20: And on that tiny note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely weekend because things are already stupid this week and it ain’t even noon yet. Love y’all!

So dumb
So the stock market is surging today and Trump is celebrating because he surrendered to China. We’re not even kidding. They announced a 90-day pause in the 145 percent tariffs (they’re still at 30 percent, which will wreck small businesses), but it’s pretty obvious that Trump folded because he was so desperate to get a deal. Even Bloomberg is reporting that “Xi defiance pays off as Trump meets most Chinese trade demands.” Ouch. Of course that didn’t stop Trump from hanging a Mission Accomplished banner and kissing his own ample orange ass. This is all so fucking embarrassing. More: CNBC

Just like we said
Republicans are moving ahead with their plan to rob 14 million Americans of health care. Late Sunday, the House GOP unveiled how they’re going to cut $880 billion from Medicaid to help pay for Elon Leon’s tax cuts, and yeah they’re going to fuck over a lot Americans. CBO says the plan will mean 8.6 million people lose coverage. Democrats have it at 14 million, and that’s the number we believe. Thank goodness these fucking assholes are making America healthy again. More: Associated Press

Racist much?
Remember when big time white reporters just couldn’t be sure if the birther asshole was racist or not? Well this should sure settle that debate. Despite spending billions and our national decency to deport kids with cancer, Trump is welcoming some new migrants today. Why? Well because they’re white people who like to pretend they’re victims. Yeah, Trump’s first batch of white South Africans is expected to arrive in the U.S. today. It sure is hard to figure out why they’re welcome here and people with brown skin are being sent to a camp in El Salvador. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
Pope Leo XIV made an impassioned plea for peace and expressed solidarity with imprisoned journalists in his first news briefing since becoming pontiff Monday, calling for "the precious gift of free speech and of the press" to be protected. More: NBC News

Hamas said early Monday that it will release Israeli-American hostage Edan Alexander, who is believed to be the last living U.S. citizen held captive in Gaza by the Palestinian militant group, in the coming hours. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump on Sunday swiped at ABC News’ Martha Raddatz while appearing to take some credit for the recent election of the first U.S.-born pope, Leo XIV. More: HuffPost