Trump supports abortion ban

Today’s Big Stuff. August 31, 2024

It’s Saturday. There are 66 days until the general election. Brazil stands up to Elon, Republicans plot a government shutdown and Trump backs an abortion ban. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But on Saturdays it cusses it with pancakes. 

Note: Sexy Patriots! Happy weekend to your hot asses. We hope you’re having a good one. If not, it’s about to get better. Because weekends are for the cool people only. Because on weekends, we tell y’all about the Secret Weapon. 

That’s right. Things are already good. We’ve got a great team that is kicking ass and taking names. But we also have a Secret Weapon, and yesterday we got a glimpse… More: Kamala HQ

Damn right! Teacher voice for the win! Yep, Mrs. Gwen freaking Walz is our Secret Weapon. We already knew that Kamala and Doug E. Fresh and Gov. Ballz-to-the-Wallz were superstars, but we’ve also got to give up the love and gratitude to Mrs. Walz, our future Second Lady. And we think her teacher voice is exactly what a weird asshole like Jelly Donuts (JD) Vance could use in his life. We can hear her now… Mr. Vance, please stop having sex with that couch and get back to your studies. 

So thanks for hitting the trail, Mrs. Walz! We’re dang glad to have you out there. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Last night at a Trump rally, some asshole tried to attack the press right after Trump attacked the press. Trump could be heard saying “he’s on our side.” We understand the press isn’t going to stand up for Americans or democracy. But maybe they should think about standing up for themselves. More: The Wrap

Note three: Speaking of shitty press, last night Politico ran a headline that said “‘Next question’: Harris evades questions about her identity.” If the vultures in the beltway press ever wonder why serious people won’t talk to them, they can just refer back to that headline. More: NO LINK

Note four: Trump also spent part of yesterday attacking MVP with the gross a-holes of Moms for Liberty. They’re really good at banning books and losing elections, so we’re not surprised Trump fit right in. More: Associated Press

Note five: LOL! MVP is calling Trump a chicken. What’s he so afraid of? More: VP Kamala Harris

Note six: MVP’s interview on CNN did 6.3 million viewers. Trump and Jesusfreak Douchebro (JD) Vance did 4.3 million. One of those numbers is bigger than the other. More: Variety

Note seven: The governor of Utah was at Trump’s gross Arlington campaign stunt/cemetery brawl. But he actually apologized for it. More: Huff Post

Note eight: Labor Day gas prices are at their lowest in three years. Thanks, Dark Brandon! More: CBS News

Note nine: Doodie Pooliani might be in (more) trouble. Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss are asking a federal court to give them control of Doodie’s assets so they can get the $146 million he owes them. We hope they take every penny he has. And then his shoes. More: NBC News

Note 10: For today’s Happy Ending, just look at this poll of what the race would look like if VP Harris was running against Jokey Dickface (JD). It ain’t that close… More: Ben Collins

Note 11: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all have an awesome Labor Day weekend. We’re planning to send another abbreviated note on Monday, but there’s always a good chance we get lazy. Love y’all!

Git his ass
Twitter has been shut down in Brazil. The country has a law against misinformation, and Elon Musk is refusing to comply with the nation’s demands. Instead, he has just been complaining about censorship. The weird thing is Elon is always happy to comply when it’s Turkey, India or China asking. He just seems to have a problem with democratically elected leaders. Thanks to Brazil for standing up to this asshole. Maybe someday our country will do the same. More: Axios

More chaos!
Donald Trump doesn’t seem very good at politics. The dumbass associated with chaos and bullshit is currently trying to engineer a government shutdown for the fall. Trump has been plotting with Marjorie Taylor Greene if they don’t get what they want on spending deals. All we can say is this — we fucking dare Mike Johnson to listen to Marge and Trump and remind Americans that Republicans can’t govern. Please, make our day. More: Huff Post

Duh
You won’t believe this but the guy responsible for overturning Roe v. Wade is in favor of abortion bans. Ok so you will believe it. After hemming and hawing and getting the press to make fools of themselves on Thursday, Trump came out yesterday and said he would vote against the Florida proposition enshrining a right to an abortion, putting him in favor of the state’s current six-week abortion ban. MVP’s team blasted Trump for being in favor of a ban, and really this should be the end of the will-he-won’t-he bullshit games the press are playing on this topic. Only one ticket cares about women’s rights, and it ain’t the one with the rapist running. More: Reuters

Today’s clips
After months of gathering signatures, filing petitions and navigating lawsuits, constitutional amendments that would protect or expand abortion rights are officially set to appear on the general election ballot in 10 states. More: NBC News

Seven US troops were injured in a raid in Iraq on Thursday night that killed 15 ISIS members, three defense officials said. More: CNN

Caitlin Clark scored a career-high 31 points to lift the Indiana Fever past Angel Reese and the Chicago Sky 100-81 in a battle between the WNBA rookies on Friday night in Chicago’s Wintrust Arena. More: CNN