It’s Thursday. There are 697 days until the midterm elections. Trump hires a fellow convict, House Democrats get ready to battle and MSNBC surrenders.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it isn’t owned by a chickenshit ass-kissing billionaire.
Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We tell you all the time how much we love you, and today we thought we’d tell you why. We love that you care about your country, your democracy, your fellow Americans and basic goddamn decency. We also love that you are super hot and that if we nominated you to be the Defense Secretary you wouldn’t be going around doing shit like this…
Um wut? Dude is promising to quit drinking if he gets to run the Pentagon? Really? Ok we can play this game too. We both quit drinking a long time ago, but if Trump promises to withdraw Hegseth then Sam will quit sniffing model airplane glue and Adam will quit illegally trafficking Chinese panda bears. We’re not thrilled about the deal — Sam really loves sniffing glue with Adam’s illegal pandas and Pete Hegseth’s mom — but this seems like the right thing to do for the country. Just be cool while we’re breaking these addictions.
Or maybe this is all really fucking stupid and we shouldn’t even be talking about bullshit bargains so a credibly accused drunken rapist lover of war criminals can lead the most advanced military in world histroy. Or would that just make too much goddamn sense? Fuck it. We’re sticking with glue and pandas. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: A corrupt and broken SCOTUS that stripped away basic human rights from millions of women is gonna go after trans kids too. And if you think they’ll stop there, then we’ve got a bridge to sell you. More: CNN
Note three: Politico is reporting that Biden aides are debating whether to issue preemptive pardons for people like Dr. Fauci and Liz Cheney. They’re worried that the recipients might seem guilty of something even though this is just about protecting them from Trumpland. We say pardon them and let the Republican idiots say what they were gonna say no matter what. At least some decent people won’t be sent to prison. More: Politico
Note four: Jeff Bezos said yesterday he is “proud” of his move to block the Washington Post from endorsing Kamala Harris. So fuck Jeff Bezos and motherfuck the Washington Post. Can someone tell us what the point of being a billionaire is if you’re just going to be a pathetic kiss-ass? More: Hollywood Reporter
Note five: So that murder of the UnitedHealthcare CEO didn’t get any less weird yesterday. We were gonna condemn the online people who were celebrating the dude’s demise when we came across this. Murdering people is bad. Even when it’s people who do shit like this. But also if you do shit like this you probably shouldn’t be surprised if you get murdered.
Note six: Trump is nominating Kelly Loeffler to head the Small Business Administration. In case you forgot who she is, well, we did too. But a google search revealed she’s another total loser. More: The Hill
Note seven: Bill Maher says he might quit his show since Trump won. So see, there are some silver linings here. More: Variety
Note eight: We probably shouldn’t be shocked that a country that is cool with child labor is also cool with having a rapist dickhead president. More: CNN
Note nine: We love it when Sean Penn calls out people for being wimps. Now he’s hitting Hollywood for being all chickenshit over The Apprentice movie. More: Variety
Note 10: We don’t know if this is real and the video would only play on our phones, but it sure looks like a Tennessee Republican pissed his pants during a sobriety check. If it’s real then you can be sure the American people will be electing Pee Pants here to the presidency just as soon as we can. Click here to watch
Note 11: The endless legal hell in which Rudy Giuliani keeps finding himself is almost single handedly keeping our faith in humanity alive. It’s also objectively hilarious. Keep eating shit, Rudy! More: Law and Crime
Note 12: We almost forgot to congratulate Chase Strangio, who yesterday became the first trans attorney to argue in front of the U.S. Supreme Court. We were so focused on the bigoted court, we almost missed the history being made. More: CNN
Note 13: Chuck Todd wrote something about the Hunter Biden pardon. We didn’t read it and we won’t link to it, but we did want to invite Chuckles to kiss our hot asses.
Note 14: Tusli Gabbard’s former Republican colleagues think she’s a Russian agent. And they would know since they’ve been working for Russia for years. More: The Hill
Note 15: Welp, the L.A. Times is dead. This scoop from Oliver Darcy includes the news that the billionaire butthead owner also wants an AI “bias-meter” to go through the paper’s news stories. Four years from now, TBS is gonna be the only source of news that isn’t kissing orange ass.
Note 16: A Proud Boy serving 22 years for seditious conspiracy is back in DC to testify in another case today. Isn’t it crazy that we never talked about the Proud Boys and their seditious conspiracy the last couple of years? Seems like a pretty big deal. More: Associated Press
Note 17: Bitcoin is now at $100,000. Human traffickers, arms dealers and weird incels are celebrating. More: CNN
Note 18: Kash Patel isn’t FBI director yet and he’s already threatening people just for criticizing him. Seems like a pretty big red flag. More: Yahoo News
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Capitol Hill where some trans folks had a message for Nancy Mace and that message was fuck you… Click here to watch
Note 20: And on that wonderfully defiant note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a lovely week and enjoying the last days of America before it all turns to shit and we gotta fix it. Love y’all!
Jailbird Petey
There’s been a lot of talk about how Trump is filling his cabinet with rapists, drunks and billionaire psychos. But now we can add a fellow convict to the list. Trump announced that he is bringing back Peter Navarro, who is fresh out of the clink, to be his trade representative again. You might remember Navarro as the piece of shit who went to prison for four months because he refused to testify about Jan. 6. So of course Trump is bringing him back. Can you imagine the coverage if a Democrat pulled this shit? More: Yahoo News
It’s Raskin time
We’ve been watching to see if our party is gearing up to fight and yesterday we got some good news on that front. Rep. Jerry Nadler, a good dude, said he is stepping aside so Rep. Jamie Raskin can be the top Democrat on the House Judiciary Committee. This matters because we need a brawler in that spot, and Raskin is that brawler. If you want to see a sign that House Democrats are preparing to fight back like hell, then this was a good one. More: The Hill
Wimps
Morning Joe and Mika are big mad. Yesterday they had David Frum on to talk about Pete Hegseth and Frum got a dressing down from a producer for talking about Hegseth’s drinking. Then, after Frum was excused from the show, Mika addressed viewers and said that Frum had been “too flippant” in his remarks. But what really upset Joe and Mika was Frum going to the Atlantic and writing about their “sound of fear.” So this morning these two pathetic kiss-asses went on air to defend their behavior as the “sound of civility.” It’s really one of the most embarrassing displays we’ve ever seen and that is really saying something. Change the channel, folks. It’s all these pathetic losers understand. Click here to watch
Today’s Clips
President-elect Donald Trump has tapped former Missouri Rep. Billy Long to be the IRS’s new commissioner. More: Politico
President-elect Trump will participate in his first network interview since the election with NBC News' Kristen Welker, airing on "Meet the Press" on Sunday. More: Axios
As President-elect Donald Trump fills out his Cabinet and chooses his closet advisers ahead of Inauguration Day, many African American leaders are asking why more Black people haven't been appointed to key positions. More: ABC News
Shell casings recovered at the scene of the fatal shooting of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson had the words “deny,” “defend” and “depose” found on them, law enforcement sources told ABC and NBC News. More: Huff Post
Love to hear that Raskin will head the Judiciary. Thanks for your great work.
Thanks for delivering awful news in a writing style that makes me laugh.