Tougher on Harvard than Putin

It’s Tuesday. There are 525 days until the midterm elections. Trump pardons a crooked cop, NPR fights back and a president who’s harder on Harvard than Putin.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t spend Memorial Day being a total asshole.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The holiday weekend is behind us, which means it’s time for Trump to fuck some stuff up. Just kidding! He does that on holidays too! Yeah, yesterday the commander-in-cheesedick defiled yet another proud American tradition, using a visit to Arlington National Cemetery on Memorial Day to brag about the World Cup or some shit…

Sigh. There’s really nothing he can’t or won’t shit all over. And it’s gotten soooooo boring and predictable. In fact, here is the script for every Trump holiday greeting. We just put some past Trump speeches in AssGPT (It’s not AI, it’s this guy we know who does a great Trump impression), and this is what he spit out. Feel free to glance at this on all future holidays while shitmouth is in office and spend the rest of your time forgetting his wrinkled orange ass exists. Ahem…

Happy Whatever Day to all the fuckheads and scumbags who were STUPID enough to make me president. I hate you all. I know you’re all laughing at me because I smell like WIDE-OPEN ASS. Well fuck you too. It’s not me. It’s MELANIA. And she doesn’t stink nearly as bad as America. Which TOTALLY SUCKS. And it has sucked FOR a long time. Thanks to me, your favorite PRESIDEWNT, it has become 94 percent less sucky! So congratulations or happy day because it isn’t rigged by the radical left and their invisible planes. Why doesn’t Ivanka call anymore? Fuck Bruce Springsteen! Thank you for your attention to this matter.

That man is not well. And we really, really hate him too. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Just a reminder, SPs, that we’ll be off this Friday. We’re trying to figure out how to still get you some hot cuss words that day.

Note three: Tapper is now accusing Biden of being worse than Nixon. Is he fucking joking? What the hell is happening here? TRUMP ATTACKED THE FUCKING CAPITOL!!! More: HuffPost

Note four: Trump adviser David Nut Sacks accidentally said the quiet part out loud and admitted that Republicans are taking a hatchet to Medicaid. Oops. More: Rolling Stone

Note five: Thank you to Congressman Glenn Ivey, who traveled to El Salvador to try and see Kilmar Garcia. The world is moving on and forgetting that Trump is defying the Supreme Court to keep Garcia illegally detained in a fucking concentration camp.

Note six: It has been jarring watching the Wall Street Journal’s editorial board join the resistance, but we welcome it. Today they’re calling for the Senate to bypass Trump and impose more meaningful sanctions on Russia. We approve. More: Wall Street Journal

Note seven: Thanks to everyone who caught the typo yesterday. Yeah, we meant to write Tapper has animosity toward Biden. Not anonymity. We were totally just testing you. You passed.

Note eight: We’re now calling Scott Pelley the anti-Tapper because Pelley is acting like an actual fucking journalist who actually fucking understands what’s happening right now. More: The Independent

Note nine: Why do we hate AI so much? Because the chodes who are pushing it are basically talentless human garbage who want to steal from people who actually make shit. Someone tell this asshole what consent means. More: The Verge

Note 10: We are mostly planning to stay out of the 2028 primaries. With one exception. We will do everything we can to make sure Rahm Emanuel is not the nominee. Fuck him and fuck his attacks on our party.

Note 11: It’s about to get harder to get to Europe as European airlines are redirecting a lot of their flights from U.S. cities to “Canada, Mexico, Brazil and Caribbean.” It’s like we’ve got fucking cooties. More: Travel And Tour World

Note 12: The New York Times is reporting that Trump went after Apple last week because Tim Cook didn’t join him on his Middle East corruption tour. What a great way to run an economy. Btw, this NYT story is paywalled, but it has some shocking descriptions of Chinese women and it was followed today by a piece called “Tim Cook’s ‘Off-Ramp’ to Placate Trump.” So the NYT still sucks very much. More: New York Times

Note 13: It makes our heads hurt when we remember that certified dumbfuck Dan Bongino is in a position of authority at the FBI. Especially when he announces he’s going to investigate who left cocaine at the White House two years ago. TRUMP ATTEMPTED A FUCKING COUP!!! More: ABC News

Note 14: One of our favorite things in the world is when Elon Leon gets bad news. We hope he cries a lot. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Why are we posting this photo of Nicki Minaj as the new Vogue Italy cover? Two reasons. One because it’s not Melania and that always makes us laugh. And two because it gives us a reason to ask if Nicki’s friend’s cousin’s balls are ok. Remember that? More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 16: While we’re talking music, happy birthday to Andre 3000. What we would give for an Outkast reunion during these dark and scary times.

Note 17: Remember that 15 minutes when MAGA people pretended to give a shit about George Floyd being murdered? Well those 15 minutes are long gone, and now the freaks are big mad that the WNBA paid tribute to Mr. Floyd. It’s almost like they’re racist shitheads. More: Yahoo

Note 18: RIP to Rep. Charles Rangel. That dude was an old school fighter. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, please enjoy this clip of Jordan Peterson being humiliated. It happens a lot.

Note 20: And on that genis note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an awesome and short week after a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. See how easy it is to just say something nice and not be a total dick? Love y’all!

P.S. One house keeping note: Adam and Sam will be live tomorrow, Wednesday, May 28 at 4 PM ET here on Substack. We will send out a reminder and link today! This will likely become a weekly Thursday Therapy Session but this week we are going with Wednesday. Love' y’all!

Back the blew
While Republicans continue to defy the law and refuse to hang a plaque commemorating the heroic actions of the Jan. 6 cops, Trump is prioritizing a dirty cop. Last night, Trump said on Truth Social that he has pardoned Virginia Sheriff Scott Jenkins, who was convicted of accepting bribes in exchange for making people deputies so they could break the law. The only crime in Trump’s America is disagreeing with Trump. We don’t know about y’all but that’s not the America we want to live in. More: Associated Press

Git his ass
This morning we learned that NPR and three local Colorado stations are suing the Trump administration over his vindictive budget cuts. In the lawsuit, NPR accuses Trump of “textbook retaliation,” which this obviously is. We’ve been lukewarm on NPR for a while since it has seemed for years like they’re doing that thing where they downplay Republican craziness in order to try and seem more fair. But we are sure as shit rooting for them in this fight. Give ‘em hell, NPR. More: Associated Press

Hollowing out Harvard
Trump has basically declared war on Harvard. Yeah, while Putin drops bombs on civilians, the president of the United States is focusing on trying to destroy one of the U.S.’s most prestigious universities. After spending the weekend threatening the school with claims of antisemitism (from a guy who employs antisemites and had dinner with a Holocaust denier), the administration is now planning to cancel all federal contracts with the school to the tune of $100 million. We wonder if Putin and Xi say thank you to Trump for this shit. Because Russia and China don’t have a Harvard and we do. Or we did. More: ABC News

Today’s clips
Former gymnast Mary Lou Retton was charged with driving under the influence in West Virginia earlier this month, according to records filed in the Magistrate Court of Marion County. More: NBC News

The Supreme Court on Tuesday rejected a last-minute plea from Native Americans seeking to challenge a massive copper mining project in Arizona that would destroy a sacred site used for tribal ceremonies, a weighty dispute that pitted religious rights against business interests. More: NBC News

Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello turned up the volume of protest against President Donald Trump with a politically charged set at the Boston Calling 2025 music festival. More: HuffPost

Advisers were reportedly told that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth used wiretaps to fire top aides amid the Pentagon’s investigation into leaks. More: Mediaite

The latest from Adam