Tough Love

It’s Wednesday. There are 237 days until the midterm elections. Eagle Ed eats it, good news from the Granite State and Trump has ‘NO PLAN’ for Iran.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because it lives in a country that does lots of stupid shit.

Note: Well goddamn, Sexy Patriots. We have a lot of dumb and awful Republican shit to discuss today. And that’s one of the reasons it’s a real bummer that we’re gonna have to use this space to once again tell our own party to get its shit together. Let’s do a quick recap, shall we?

Donald Trump’s approval rating is below 40 percent. His party is heading toward a disastrous midterm. He is in the middle of a child rape scandal, an imploding economy and a stupid, illegal and massively unpopular war. SO WHY THE EFFING FUCK DOES OUR GODDAMN PARTY KEEP TRYING TO BAIL HIS ORANGE ASS OUT?!!!!!

REALLY?!!!! This is like in Anchorman when Ron Burgundy’s dog eats the whole wheel of cheese. We’re not even mad; we’re impressed. After all, it’s rather difficult to give yourself a wedgie and stuff yourself in a locker. Or it is for normal people. But a Senate Democrat can pull their own underwear up over their head and to the fucking moon while still inside a locker. They basically feel naked unless their underwear is around their foreheads and they’re spitting out hunks of Hanes. Hell, they seem to enjoy it. Because it gets worse.

Our own fucking party is also pushing Republicans to suspend the gas tax. Ain’t it nice of us to bail out Republicans from the consequences of their stupid war? No wonder we’re less popular than fucking AI. What in the hell is going on up there? Is the GOP’s dumbfuckery contagious? We need an opposition party that will fight fascism. If the gutless fucks up there now won’t do it, then we’ll find people who will. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Gizmodo

Note two: Anyone need some therapy? Yeah, us too. How about 4 PM ET/1 PM PT? Awesome! We’ll see you then.

Note three: Yesterday we found out that about 150 U.S. troops have been injured since Trump’s stupid illegal war started. May they recover faster than Trump did from his bone spurs. More: PBS

Note four: Confidence in the Supreme Court is at an all-time low. It’s probably because of all the corruption and shit. More: NBC News

Note five: Here’s a millionaire explaining that gas prices aren’t coming down anytime soon. That’s quite a campaign slogan…

Note six: Trump is ostensibly going to Kentucky today to talk about the economy. But really he’s going to try and defeat Thomas Massie, who is only in danger of losing his seat because he exposed a child rape scandal. Sure seems newsworthy and scandalous that the president of the United States would be bothered by something like that. More: Associated Press

Note seven: Authorities in New Mexico have begun searching Epstein’s ranch. Why was it never searched before? Well last night the Republican chairman of the Oversight Committee went on Fox News and accidentally confessed that Trump’s DOJ shut down the investigation in 2019. Oops. More: Mediaite

Note eight: Btw, Adam came up with an idea called “AltMedia Time Out.” Basically when a news organizations does something shitty (like Mediaite’s founder simping for Epstein trash), we’re going to put them in timeout instead of banning them from our newsletter. Frankly, we were running out of sites without paywalls.

Note nine: Congrats to our friend Shawn Harris on advancing to a run-off for Marjorie Taylor Greene’s seat. If he’d had any help from Washington, Shawn might have flipped this seat last night. More: The Guardian

Note 10: This is Ohio Sen. Jon Husted being a fucking dick to poor people. But only because he’s a fucking dick.

Note 11: Trump’s Iran stupidity just made inflation worse. Man, he really does suck at this. More: BBC

Note 12: Iran is attacking ships in the Strait of Hormuz and warning of $200-a-barrel oil. So we sure hope you don’t have to drive or fly anywhere anytime soon. More: Wall Street Journal

Note 13: Axios reported yesterday that the White House is telling people to stop talking about “mass deportation.” Between that report and this from Mike Little Johnson, it’s pretty obvious their polling with Hispanics is below the shitter. Probably because of all the terror the Republican government has led against Hispanic people.

Note 14: Congrats to Bam Adebayo on passing Kobe Bryant’s spot on the single-game scoring list last night. Bam, who played for Sam’s Kentucky Wildcats, scored 83 freaking points in one freaking game. He and A’ja Wilson might be America’s top power couple. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 15: Remember that white supremacist who testified in front of the Senate and Chris Murphy ate his racist lunch? Well the White House pulled his nomination. Ain’t it crazy how this was never really a scandal and the MSM just accept that Trump is a racist piece of shit? More: NBC News

Note 16: Republican Sen. John Kennedy keeps confessing that the United States killed all those little girls in Iran. When the hell is the White House gonna do the same? More: HuffPost

Note 17: Any 2028 Dem who wants our time, money and vote is gonna have to promise to lock up these Doge assholes…

Note 18: We can’t believe we’re saying this but thank you to Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey. She didn’t murder an innocent man yesterday, and that’s pretty commendable and shocking coming from a Republican these days. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the World Baseball Classic. We don’t actually care about who’s winning, but we saw this and chuckled because it’s the most Italian thing we’ve ever seen and it was directed towards the U.S. team…

Note 20: And on that delightful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week. But we know you are because you’re sexy and patriotic. Have you considered running for the U.S. Senate? Love y’all!

Oops for Ed
You probably don’t remember “Eagle” Ed Martin and for good reason. He’s a loser nobody. But he was also the loser nobody who Trump put at DOJ to go after his enemies. But that didn’t work out so they had to find him another job. And then another job. Our favorite was when he stood outside of Letitia James’s house while wearing a trench coat like a total perv stalker. Well in rather shocking news, old Ed is in some trouble. The D.C. bar is going after Asshole Ed because he threatened Georgetown during his anti-DEI bullshit. So Ed continues to be a massive loser. Congrats, buddy. More: Politico

Granite State Goodness
We freaking love New Hampshire. It’s so goddamn beautiful in the fall. Oh and it’s also the site of the latest Democratic seat flip. Yeah, last night Democrat Bobbi Boudman (great name) appeared to win a statehouse special election in a district Trump won by 9 points. The local paper called it a “stunning upset.” Hell, Boudman ran for this same seat two years ago and lost by 14. This is an obvious pattern we’re seeing all across the country. People are pissed off and voting against Republicans. No wonder those fuckers are so desperate to cheat. More: NH Journal

Seems bad
This morning Trump continued his new habit of calling individual beltway reporters to lie to them and tell them the Iran War will be over soon and everything is going great. For some reason, those beltway reporters keep mindlessly repeating that dumb shit. But if you want the truth, then listen to Sen. Chris Murphy. Murphy was one of the Senators who sat for a two-hour briefing from the administration yesterday about Iran, and what he said afterwards was stunning. He said Trump has “NO PLAN” for the Strait of Hormuz or really anything. Murphy said the briefers acknowledged that neither the nuclear program nor regime change had anything to do with the war goals. Trump thinks he can TACO out of this thing when he gets bored. He doesn’t realize he took a giant shit on a hornet’s nest. And this is why we shouldn’t elect bloodthirsty idiots. More: The Guardian, Axios

Today’s clips
The International Energy Agency said Wednesday that member countries had unanimously agreed to release 400 million barrels of oil from their reserves in a bid to ease prices that are soaring due to the Iran war. More: NBC News

A man accused of touching a woman’s hair on a Metro train was arraigned in Arlington County court Monday — then arrested again moments after his hearing.

Metro Transit Police arrested 28-year-old Bryan Betancur in the courthouse parking lot on a warrant out of D.C. More: NBC Washington

A furniture maker whose consolidation in North Carolina last year drew praise from the White House is laying off 200 workers at its Guilford County factory as it goes entirely out of business. More: News Observer

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has peppered aides in recent days about whether longtime adviser Corey Lewandowski profited personally from a $220 million federal advertising campaign featuring Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, who was fired last week, according to three people familiar with his conversations. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — Jill Biden is breaking her silence about Joe Biden’s decision to abruptly end his 2024 presidential reelection bid under pressure from Democrats concerned about his age, health and viability against Republican Donald Trump in a rematch of their 2020 campaign. More: Associated Press

The medal count is now at 22 for Oksana Masters, the most decorated American Winter Paralympian. More: HuffPost

Podcast host Joe Rogan took aim at President Donald Trump’s war in Iran on Tuesday, joining a chorus of voices who historically supported the president and are now speaking out against his intervention in the Middle East. More: HuffPost