Too F**ked for Fox

Happy Friday. There are 109 days until the midterm elections. ICE is hiring violent thugs, Blanche is a dick to Epstein survivors and even Fox News ignores a crazy man’s lies.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Especially when it’s choking on smoke and crapping violently.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we made it to the weekend. We are excited to unplug for a couple of days, watch some soccer, hang with the family and try to forget for a second that the dumbest sonofabitch in the world is our president. But first, we have many important things to discuss. Our nation is under attack from fascist, idiotic scum. Our elections are in danger. We remain at war. And our vice president gets horny watching Joe Biden eat ice cream…

Dude. That’s pretty fucking weird. We know we just made fun of JD Vance at length yesterday and there are more important things going on. But seriously what the fuck? We like Joe Biden too, but this is taking it pretty damn far. Who knew that watching Biden eat an ice cream cone gave JD the vapors like he was pantless in a Bob’s Discount Furniture? Sure seems like ol’ couchfuck has some strange sexual issues. If Biden makes him this horny, then you just know he’s pinching his own nipples and squealing while he watches Trump house a Big Mac or seven.

Maybe instead of denying elections, fucking up the Reflecting Pool and losing a stupid war, the Trump administration should be focused on JD’s hard drive and keeping him away from normal, decent folks. And definitely keep that many out of Baskin Robbins and away from Biden. We don’t want him doing a one-man Jan. 6 on the Capitol in his pants. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Well, you might not know it from that opening note, but we actually had some therapy yesterday. You can get caught up here if you missed it…

Note three: There was a big debate in Maine last night. Who do y’all like? And who’s gonna beat Susan Collins’s sorry ass? More: NBC News

Note four: This fucking White House is so goddamn corrupt that even the asshole running the teleprompter is lining his pockets. More: ABC News

Note five: We’re gonna talk more about this in the news section, but we want to say kudos to Sen. Mark Warner for calling out CBS for airing that stupid shit last night. More of this, please…

Note six: The air quality is really dangerous in much of the country. We know the president doesn’t give a damn, but we do. So please be safe and stay inside if you can. More: WGAL

Note seven: It seems that Taco Bell has been giving folks the shits. This seems like old news to us. It’s basically delicious colonoscopy prep. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Tom Homan says we all need to shut our mouths or the ICE violence will continue. Tom Homan can stick his fat head up his own ass, eat shit and then go fuck himself. We ain’t shutting up. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Here’s the latest info we could find on the Nolan Wells case. We promise we won’t forget about this. More: ABC News

Note 10: This is one of those jokes that makes us absolutely furious we didn’t think of it…

Note 11: Rich people are about to get exclusive early looks at Trump’s rantings on Truth Social. So yeah, it’s a presidency for inside traders. More: NBC News

Note 12: Fetterman says he’ll leave the Democratic Party if it becomes anti-Israel. We don’t like the idea of our party being anti-Israel either, but we don’t like Bibi, we don’t like kids being killed and we sure as shit don’t like Fetterman. So fuck him. More: NBC News

Note 13: It seems pretty bad that members of the military are free to go joyriding with mulit-miliion dollar jets and helicopters as long as it owns the libs. More: AP

Note 14: Republicans are still trying to pass the bullshit SAVE Act. Oh and they want another $100 billion for Iraq. They can get bent. More: AP

Note 15: This is too funny. This is the dunce behind Trump’s idiotic election claims, and even he doesn’t stand by them. LOLOL!!!

Note 16: We are really damn excited for the World Cup final this weekend. Trump is gonna try to fuck it up, but we plan on changing the channel before his fugly orange ass gets involved. More: NBC News

Note 17: We would like to thank TPM for calling out Politico’s dangerous ass-kissing. Elected Democrats would do well to remember which outlets are spreading election lies and treat them accordingly. More: Talking Points Memo

Note 18: RIP to Brenda Fricker, one of the non-asshole cast members of Home Alone 2. More: Talking Points Memo

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we couldn’t find much. So here’s Prince… More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that divine note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. And remember that ice cream is a great way to beat the heat even if it might make JD beat his… nevermind. Love y’all!

Thugs

The ICE agent who shot and killed Johan Sebastian Guerrero has a history of violence against his own family. David Brouillette is a fucking psycho who never should have been given a badge and gun. And that’s not us saying that. It’s the people who really know him. His ex-wife literally didn’t believe he had been hired by ICE. She thought he was having delusions when he told her he was. He once threw boiling fucking water at her while she was holding their child. And the Department of Homeland Security is still backing this piece of shit. If this isn’t a scandal, then what the fuck is?

More: AP

Asshole

Sen. Thom Tillis, who is just nonstop full of shit, said he wouldn’t vote to confirm Todd Blanche as AG until Blanche met with Epstein survivors. So Blanche had a check-the-box meeting with some survivors, and he was a total dick to them. Remember he spent like nine hours with Ghislaine Maxwell. Republicans are going to confirm this asshole. When they do, they will officially become a part of the Epstein cover-up. Let’s hope our party has the guts to make them own it.

More: ABC News

LOLOL

Trump’s primetime meltdown was so fucking stupid that even Fox News doesn’t want to talk about it. Hannity largely ignored it last night, and Fox and Friends didn’t mention it once this morning (thanks, Aaron Rupar!). This comes after both NBC and ABC refused to air the remarks, leading Trump to declare in his speech that they should both lose their broadcast licenses. We don’t know what kind of shit Trump is going to try and pull in November or in the weeks that follow, but we know that this stupid speech backfired. Americans can’t breathe and can’t eat lettuce. Ain’t none of us worried about some dumbfuck’s conspiracy theories.

More: Yahoo News

Today’s clips

HOUSTON (AP) — The family of a man who was shot and killed by a federal immigration agent in Houston is holding a public vigil Thursday evening in response to what the man’s son says is an outpouring of support amid renewed criticism of enforcement tactics. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump’s deployment of National Guard troops to the nation’s capital is being extended by more than two years and will last until the end of his term. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — Ava DuVernay announced Thursday that she has made a documentary for Netflix on the 14th Amendment, which gave liberty and rights to formerly enslaved people following the Civil War, and which has come under legal attack from President Donald Trump. More: AP

During the speech, Trump announced that he had declassified documents and had them posted on the White House website. He claimed they show that China interfered in the election in 2020, and the “deep state” had it out for him. However, the heavily redacted document dump revealed intelligence that suggested something Trump probably didn’t want out in the open. More: HuffPost