Today’s Big Stuff 8.8.24 | Don’t look at this awesome poll

It’s Thursday. There are 89 days until the general election. Trump loves Tim Walz, Dark Brandon has a warning for America and whoa that’s a good looking poll we should all ignore.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It might, for example, say something like “Hey, creepshow, get the fuck away from Vice President Harris’s plane!” 

Note: Hey, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you today? Sexy as hell but still pretty normal? Yeah, us too. Sadly, neither is true of ol’ Jiggly Dingleberry (JD) Vance, who is somehow getting more off putting and strange by the minute. Like did you see this bizarre shit?

Yiiiiiikes. Stalker much? Look, as much fun as it is making fun of these weird assholes, it’s seriously starting to creep us out. So we’ve done our Republican friends a big favor and we’ve hired a normal person to be their normalcy consultant. Here are the brief remarks Norman gave to the Trump campaign…

Hello. So what the heck is wrong with you people? Donald, nobody has seen you in days. JD, people have seen way too much of you for days. You guys are creeping everyone the hell out, and it needs to stop. JD, stop being so goddamn weird. You thought it was funny to stalk Harris’s plane? Weird, bro. And why do you laugh like that? You sound like you’re celebrating the roofie dissolving in a margarita. And you brag about yelling at your kid so you can talk to Trump?! And why is your hand down your pants?! Seriously what the hell is wrong with you?! Basically you guys just need to change your whole personality and stop making people wonder how many women you’ve murdered and/or skinned. Is that too much to ask? JD, I see you nodding. That’s weird. Stop it. Oh jesus. The couch thing is true, isn’t it? I’m outta here. 

Oof. Poor Norman never stood a chance. Isn’t it nice to have a ticket of nice, normal people who are cool and won’t make you glad you’ve got pepper spray? Y’all have a blessed day. 

Note two: Trump is supposedly doing a press conference this afternoon, which means he’ll ramble and blurt out some disgusting attacks and the press will carry his water like he pays them. more: Associated Press

Note three: Y’all, we think these attacks on Tim Walz’s 24 years of military service are disgusting bullshit, and since we’re not one of the ass-kissing weasels at the New York Times or the Washington Post, we don’t have to pretend otherwise. More: NO LINK JUST THANKS FOR HIS SERVICE

Note four: Trump was on Truth Social last night whining about VP Harris’s crowd size. Poor Donnie has audience envy. More: TMZ

Note five: Want to see a Democratic miracle? We’ve never been in this much array. 

Note six: If you need something to freak out about, then what the Georgia Board of Elections is doing should be sufficient. It’s loaded up with Trump freaks, and they are doing exactly what you’d think they’d be doing. More: Associated Press

Note seven: While the press was whining about Walz’s couch joke yesterday, a top Trump aide was accusing the Vice President of making Air Force Two smell bad. More: Raw Story

Note eight: Trump lied about knowing the people behind Project 2025. We know you’re shocked. More: Huff Post

Note nine: Michelle Obama weighed in on that iconic Olympics pic, and as usual, she summed up exactly what we and Melania Trump were thinking. More: Huff Post

Note 10: Detroit showed up yesterday. 

Note 11: Have you seen those awesome Harris-Walz camo hats? Well the campaign sold $1 million worth of them on the first day. More: Teen Vogue

Note 12: Ok so this is really freaking scary. Taylor Swift had to cancel three of her concerts because of intel they were going to be attacked by terrorists. Here’s our message to the would-be terrorists of this world — DO NOT FUCK WITH TAY TAY. More: CNN

Note 13: Tim Walz and his wife don’t own any stock. He has not made any trades while in office. Is this guy real? Or did we dream him up? More: CNBC

Note 14: Congratulations to the American Taliban. The number of abortions in the U.S. has gone up since Roe was overturned. We tried to tell them. More: Associated Press

Note 15: You can heckle Vice President Harris if you want, but we sure don’t recommend it. 

Note 16: Speaker Pelosi has a book coming out and we are gonna read the hell out of that thing.

Note 17: There are a lot of things to love about Tim Walz, but our favorite is probably the way he’s been a proud ally for the LGBTQ+ community. A football coach looking out for the kids is pretty great. More: Huff Post

Note 18: We’ve been so good about not spoiling any Olympics results. We think. But damn it hasn’t been easy. These games have been a blast, and our athletes have made us so freaking proud. 

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you this adorable clip of what the Democratic ticket was doing while Vance was being a creepy stalker and Trump was in hiding.

Note 20: And on that heart-melting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely and normal week. And if you are, then we know you’re not Republicans. Love y’all!

A fan!
We don’t have high hopes for our nation’s political press at today’s press conference with Trump, but maybe when he gets done trashing a good man like Tim Walz, the press can ask him why he praised Walz’s handling of the George Floyd aftermath or put him on his Council of Governors. Between this and Trump writing checks to the Harris campaigns in California, we’re starting to wonder if maybe Trump might vote Harris-Walz this November. More: ABC News

Listen to him
In his first interview since announcing he’s not running for re-election, President Joe “Dark Brandon” Biden warned Americans that Trump will not accept the election results if/when he loses. Biden told CBS that he is not at all confident there will be a peaceful transfer of power if Trump loses, saying “he means it” when he threatens our democracy. Keep sounding the alarm, Mr. President! More: Huff Post

Delicious 
We should ignore the polls and focus on the work. But holy shit y’all gotta see this poll. The Marquette national poll shows VP Harris leading Trump 53 percent to 47 percent in a head-to-head and 50 percent to 42 percent when the brain worm dumbass is pulling 6 percent. The same poll shows the race tied in Wisconsin. It’s a whole new ballgame. Trump is scared. That makes him desperate. And that makes him dangerous. More: Keith Edwards

Today’s clips
The combination of owning a social media company that gives him an enormous platform to push his political views, and creating a PAC with effectively unlimited resources, has made Musk, for the first time, a major force in an American presidential election. More: NBC News

Steve Martin has finally weighed in on all the online speculation about whether he will play newly minted vice presidential candidate Tim Walz on “Saturday Night Live.”

The comedian and actor told the Los Angeles Times in an interview published on Wednesday that he was approached regarding the possibility by “SNL” creator Lorne Michaels that morning, but declined.

“I wanted to say no and, by the way, he wanted me to say no,” Martin told The Times. More: CNN