Today’s Big Stuff 7.26.24 | Trump is pee-yourself scared

Happy Friday. There are 102 days until the general election. Justice Kagan speaks some truth, Trump is pee-yourself scared and the Obamas endorse.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Today it uses the word “chickenshit” a lot. 

Note: We did it, Joe! We made it to the weekend! And we had a blast doing so. VP Harris’s energy is contagious, and we’re having a blast watching the Republican freakshow flail. We’re especially enjoying watching the normal people in this country come for Jalopy Dillweed (JD) Vance. The couch sex thing alone is the stuff that TBS dreams are made of. But then we heard this latest clip of him saying SUPER CRAZY SHIT about women and we realized that we have to make sure we’re taking this guy seriously. 

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS CREEP?! We’ve been so busy making fun of this dude that we forgot to check his crawl space for bodies. It’s like we were making fun of Jeffrey Dahmer for fucking a couch and then we were reminded he kills and eats people. We’re not saying Vance likes to kill and eat people. But we’re not not saying it either. We’re just saying this creepy sonofabitch sure gives us the willies so let’s make sure we’re taking him seriously while we’re making fun of him. We don’t want him doing to us what he did to that poor couch. 

Y’all have a blessed day. Except you, Jiggly Dicktoes (JD). You go get some help, bro.

Note two: The FBI wants to talk to Trump about his assassination attempt and figure out what actually happened. What a novel goddamn idea. More: CNN

Note three: Elon Musk’s daughter gave an interview calling out her a-hole dad for being an a-hole. These guys who want to tell us how to raise our families sure seem to suck at raising families. More: People

Note four: Vice President Harris broke Zoom. If we weren’t already all in, breaking Zoom would have done it. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note five: Y’all, this campaign is not messing around…

Note six: We wrote a post yesterday afternoon about how Harris has gone on offense, and we freaking love to see it. 

Note seven: LOLOL. Biden’s Oval Office speech got 29 million viewers. So more than Trump’s convention speech. Bet that’s worth two bottles of ketchup. More: Deadline

Note eight: Congratulations to the Biden administration on two major cartel arrests. And we didn’t have to bomb Mexico like that crazy orange dipshit wants us to. More: ABC News

Note nine: CNN has finally noticed the “historic” economy Dark Brandon built. All it took was him dropping out of the race. More: CNN

Note 10: It’s pretty damn cool to see the Vice President stepping up like this. We know she can do the job because in some ways she already is.

Note 11: We freaking love Val Demmings, and we will always be a little mad at Florida for not making her a U.S. Senator. So we’re grateful to President Biden for making her a USPS governor. Now can we please fire Louis DeJoy? More: West Orlando News

Note 12: Bill Barr is a liar. But we already knew that. Now someone please tell the gullible assheads at the New York Times. More: CNN

Note 13: It’s so great to see NBA superstar Steph Curry and Team USA coach Steve Kerr praising VP Harris. More: The Guardian

Note 14: Happy birthday to Mick Jagger. What a life.

Note 15: KJP doesn’t have time for the bullshit. Here she is reminding a worthless White House press corps that Mike Johnson had to ask his members to stop being racist, sexist dicks.

Note 16: We seriously can’t stop laughing about the couch story. It’s our favorite thing to happen in politics since all those Trump losers sank their boats.

Note 17: Republicans are sure having a hard time pronouncing Kamala. So maybe they should just call her the woman who’s about to kick their sorry asses. And if that’s too long, just go with Madam President. More: Huff Post

Note 18: Who’s watching the Olympics?! Let’s go Team America!

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you the follow up video to Rep. Jennifer Wexton’s speech. Now someone please hand us some tissues…

Note 20: And on that emotional note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a good week. We hope you’re as fired up as we are. And we hope nobody is accusing you of having sex with furniture. Unless it’s really good looking furniture. Love y’all!

Thank you!
Fucking finally! Justice Elena Kagan said this week that Chief Justice John Roberts should set up a system where a lower court enforces a Supreme Court code of ethics. Among other things, the lower court would be able to tell corrupt justices when they need to recuse. You know, like when Clarence Thomas ruled on Jan. 6 stuff even though his wife was part of the coup. Thank you to Justice Kagan for stepping up like this. More: CNN

Coward!
So we knew Trump was rattled by VP Harris, but we didn’t think he would actually wimp out of the debate. But that’s exactly what the orange chickenshit did yesterday. Making up some silly bullcrap about “Barack Hussein Obama” and flailing like the hopeless loser that he is, Trump has officially backed out of the scheduled debate in September. Vice President Harris is already calling him out and making sure the media knows she is ready to go. So stop being a chickenshit, Donald. DEBATE HER!!! More: CNN

Let’s go!
The Avengers have assembled. While right-wing media has spent the last few days inventing idiotic conspiracy theories about the lack of endorsement from the Obamas, it turns out they were just waiting for the right time. This morning, the former president and First Lady dropped a new video, endorsing Harris and making clear that our party is united, fired up and ready to fucking go. We don’t know about y’all, but we’ve had goddamn goosebumps all week.

Today’s clips
An important gauge for the Federal Reserve showed inflation eased slightly from a year ago in June, helping to open the way for a widely anticipated September interest rate cut. More: NBC News

Call it the Kamala Harris effect: Beyoncé is seeing a huge surge in streams for her song “Freedom” after the leading Democratic candidate for the upcoming presidential election walked out to the 2016 song during her first appearances as a candidate this week. More: NBC News