Today’s Big Stuff 7.25.24 | Biden economy keeps rolling

It’s Thursday. There are 103 days until the general election. Orangey comes for our VP, the Biden economy keeps rolling and the president makes us weep like a Republican.

Be advised: This newsletter uses excessive profanity. It feels pretty damn good. 

Note: Goodness, what a whirlwind these last few weeks have been. We published a piece yesterday afternoon about just how much can change in a week. It doesn’t seem like we’ve been able to catch our breath, and we are surprisingly cool with that. (read our latest on Substack) But what we’re not cool with is missing an entire news cycle of something gross and immature and hilarious that is right up our alley. So, Sexy Patriots, please forgive us for just now talking about Jumprope Drippywiener (JD) Vance fucking a couch. 

WHAT?! We’re trying to decide between Mark Kelly and Andy Beshear and they’re trying to decide if their guy screwed the sofa?! If you read the fact-check, then it turns out that, no, Jiffy Dingleberry (JD) didn’t write in his bullshit memoir that he had “sex with ‘an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions.’” But damn if that doesn’t sound like something that guy looks like he would do. Like doesn’t he just seem like a guy you couldn’t leave alone with your living room furniture? We already know he respects couches more than women. Now maybe we know why. 

Anyway, let’s keep our awesome VP Harris momentum going and win this race. We don’t want to lose to a couch-fucker. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We just want to say a giant THANK YOU to everyone who has subscribed on Substack. By now we all know how much the mainstream media sucks, so let’s replace them with an obscene, mischievous and well-meaning newsletter. We’re damn grateful to everyone who has joined us. Let’s keep it going. The bigger we get, the more they can hear us laughing at them. 

Note three: We’re gonna put this in the news section too, but we want to make sure you see that the sick sonofabitch who overturned Roe thinks he can challenge VP Harris on abortion. 

Note four: Doug Emhoff’s ex-wife has endorsed VP Harris, bragging on her “momala” skills and pushing back on Jacknuts Dingusface (JD) Vance’s “cat lady” attacks. More: CNN

Note five: We’ve got the VP’s first ad as our nominee. Spread it far and wide!

Note six: Yesterday the weirdo assheads on Fox said some pretty gross stuff about Harris. We fear this is only the beginning. And this guy can eat shit. More: Yahoo News

Note seven: Trump was back to talking about Hannibal Lecter last night. Totally normal thing to do. (No link)

Note eight: FBI director Chris Wray testified yesterday that they don’t actually know if Trump was shot or hit by debris. Maybe our wimpy press corps should be trying to find out. More: People

Note nine: Want to hear about a book that we’re definitely going to make fun of? “Melania” by Melania is coming out this fall. We assume Michelle Obama has been very busy writing it. More: The Hill

Note 10: We wanted to make sure y’all saw this note from Dr. Jill Biden. We’re gonna talk in a minute about how emotional we got last night. 

Note 11: So Bibi spoke to Congress yesterday and spent way too much time attacking Americans as “useful idiots” for Iran. It says everything that hostages’ families were arrested at the speech. What are we doing? More: The Hill

Note 12: Big love to former Georgia Lt. Gov. Geoff Duncan, a Republican who endorsed VP Harris yesterday. Welcome aboard, Geoff! More: WSBTV

Note 13: We are super duper nerdy dorky excited for the Olympics, and we don’t care who knows it. 

Note 14: Jennifer Aniston is not here for Jumping Doofuspoo (JD) Vance’s attacks on cat ladies. Git him, Rachel! More: CNN

Note 15: We might have spoken too soon when we cleared Vance of charges he fucked a couch. We’re gonna need a press conference to clear this up. Release the couch cushions!

Note 16: Want to talk about some HUGE news? Southwest is going to start assigning seats. More: CNN

Note 17: The Harris campaign put out a statement today “on a 78-year-old Criminal’s Fox News Appearance.” LOL!!! 

Note 18: After his speech last night, President Biden had an ice cream party with his staff. What a great dude. 

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re gonna make you cry. U.S. Rep. Jennifer Wexton’s voice was taken from her by a neurological disorder. Today she will give a speech on the House floor using an AI voice clone. It’s already getting dusty in here. More: AP

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome week, we hope you’re fired up to elect VP Harris and we hope your couch is ok. Love y’all!

Bring it
Trump held his first rally last night since he learned he’ll be facing off against VP Harris. He doesn’t seem to be taking it too well. As we mentioned, he came for her on abortion and laughing and really just a bunch of weak and flailing attacks. Then he called into Fox News this morning to attack her again. The Fox hosts asked Trump if Harris’s attacks on him for being a criminal are getting under his skin. Trump said he is ready to fight back and he won’t be nice anymore. Of course only beltway reporters bought Trump’s new tone bullshit, so nobody should be surprised here. We say bring it, big boy. He looks scared. He should be. More: Huff Post

Joey Jobs does it again
The Biden economy is on fire. It’s never going to be absurd to us that the greatest jobs president of all time had to deal with a misinformation crisis so dire that people thought this smoking hot economy was actually in trouble. Idiots. Today we learned that the GDP grew at 2.8 percent in the second quarter, blowing away expectations of 1.9 percent growth and jumping from 1.4 percent in the first quarter. What Biden has done with the American economy, focusing on building the middle class as he rebuilt everything following a once-in-a-century pandemic is nothing short of miraculous. More: Axios

Thank you, Mr. President
Last night, President Biden took our breath away. We simply cannot remember seeing a sitting president make a political sacrifice so selfless and so enormous. When he said that thing about a kid with a stutter making it to the Oval Office, we totally fucking lost it. Our president is a good man who was beaten up by an ugly system and even uglier media environment. What he did last night was true patriotism, and we are grateful. History will look favorably on Joe Biden. Probably not so much on the a-holes who pushed him out. More: AP

Today’s clips
Donald Trump, who in May became the first former president to be convicted of felony crimes, was on Wednesday officially endorsed by a coalition of police unions that represents some 241,000 officers nationwide. More: Huff Post

Sean Grayson — the Sangamon County sheriff’s deputy charged with murder after he shot Sonya Massey in her apartment while she wielded only a pot of water — worked six law enforcement jobs over the past four years, pleaded guilty to two charges of driving under the influence, and was discharged from the Army for “serious misconduct.” More: Huff Post

Former President Barack Obama and Vice President Kamala Harris have been in close touch since she announced her presidential candidacy Sunday, having multiple conversations this week as she kicks off her campaign, according to four people familiar with their discussions. More: NBC News