Today’s Big Stuff 7.23.24 | Trump is freaking

It’s Tuesday. There are 105 days until the general election. Vance ain’t doing so well, Trump is freaking and VP Harris fever is real.

Be advised: This newsletter is a cussing newsletter. It’s how we know only cool people read it. 

Note: Everything is totally assnuts bonkers right now, and we freaking love it. We’ve seen the Republican Party in chaos before — it was like yesterday that they needed 15 fucking votes to make a total loser like Kevin McCarthy Speaker of the House — but those freaks are at ludicrous levels of disarray right now. And it is goddamn delicious. 

President Joe Biden’s courageous and selfless decision to step aside and lift up Vice President Kamala Harris has resulted in a crazy exciting couple of days for good and normal people. But for Republicans, it has just been a total goshdarn meltdown. 

These dudes need some serious help. So we went ahead and came up with the GOP Stages of Grief upon learning they’re about to lose to a badass Black woman…

Stage One — Denial and all-caps Truth Social posts that reek of fear and wall ketchup 

Stage Two — Anger but remembering to say DEI instead of the n-word

Stage Three — Bargaining… with Putin, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Elon Musk and every other degenerate scumbag who also hates women and minorities

Stage Four — Depression with lots and lots and lots of sobbing and whining and getting closer to saying the n-word 

Stage Five — Acceptance which probably ain’t happening for the crowd that’s still pissed over losing the 2020 Election and the Civil War 

Oh well. The poor babies. Sucks for them. LOL. We’re ready to rock. How about y’all?

Note two: The head of the Secret Service resigned this morning. It was needed. Even Jamie Raskin and other Democrats were calling for it. Trump sucks butt, but we can’t have our presidential candidates getting shot. More: CNN

Note three: Jellyroll Diplick (JD) Vance thinks Trump is a sexual assaulter. We’re pretty shocked to find ourselves agreeing with him. So do we think Vance makes it to November still on the ticket? More: CNN

Note four: Bibi Netanyahu is speaking to Congress this week. He’s also meeting with Trump. And Republicans just don’t get why some Democrats aren’t interested in attending his speech. More: Politico

Note five: VP Harris gave her first remarks as the presumptive nominee yesterday and goddamn they are good. We are so ready for this.

Note six: When is the last time you saw the Democratic Party this fired up? It’s pretty fun, right?

Note seven: President Biden called in to the Harris event yesterday and we pretty much lost it when he said he was watching the event and told Harris he loves her. Compare that shit to how Trump treated Pence. More: The Guardian

Note eight: Elon Musk is a truly horrible human being who became a right-wing dirtbag because he hates his trans daughter. Can someone please get these assholes a dang therapist? More: The Pink News

Note nine: Beyonce gave VP Harris permission to use the song “Freedom” as her walkout song. We are soooooo gonna win. More: CNN

Note 10: Here’s a Jupiter Dicksoup (JD) Vance riff on Diet Mountain Dew and racism. Anyone know what the fuck he’s talking about?

Note 11: While introducing Vance at a rally yesterday, an Ohio state senator said it will be time for a “civil war” if Trump loses. He later apologized, but we still think he’s a dick. More: Independent

Note 12: The brain worm guy offered to endorse Trump if Trump would put him in charge of vaccines and stuff. How freaking terrifying is that? More: The Guardian

Note 13: George Clooney has endorsed VP Harris. We know y’all were wondering. More: Huff Post

Note 14: So who do y’all want as a running mate? More: CNN

Note 15: Swifties for Harris? Trump should be peeing himself. More than he already does.

Note 16: We have to admit we are not hip enough to understand some of the explosion of youth excitement about VP Harris. We don’t know who Charli XCX is, but we’re sure happy to have them on the team. More: NBC News

Note 17: Trump is very scared of VP Harris and most folks don’t think he’ll debate her. We tend to agree, but we also don’t know if he can handle months of being called a chickenshit by a Black woman. More: Huff Post

Note 18: President Biden is going to address the nation tomorrow night. We’ll be tuning in. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you this delightful news about President Jimmy Carter…

Note 20: And on that note that totally didn’t make us cry, let’s go do some news. We sure hope y’all are enjoying this week as much as we are. If there’s one thing we love it’s seeing people fired up for democracy. And in honor of that Jimmy Carter news, here’s the Allman Brothers. Love y’all!

Oh dear
According to reporter Tim Alberta, Trump is already wondering if he made the wrong pick with Jangly Doodlenuts (JD) Vance. Yeah, he should be. At his first solo rally yesterday, Vance said he was “pissed off” he won’t get to debate Harris, said that dumb shit about Diet Mountain Dew and basically bored everyone to tears. But at least he’ll be good for reminding everyone that Trump is a sexual predator and they both think they should be able to control women’s bodies. Great pick, Orangey! More: New Republic

Oh this is fun
Trump is losing his shit. And he didn’t have much shit to lose. The Democratic Party’s rapid embrace of VP Harris as our nominee has totally freaked out a super racist and super sexist dude and he doesn’t seem to know what to say or do about it. Last night he called her “dumb as a rock” and then said she had terrible “pole numbers.” Dude, it’s poll. It sure is fun watching this asshat lose his last two marbles. More: Huff Post

LET’S GO
Despite all the media hopes for an open convention and a deep Democratic bench, Kamala Harris has united the Democratic Party and shattered fundraising records with breathtaking speed. She has already raised $100 million, she has already won endorsements from major unions like the AFL-CIO and SEIU, she has already rallied the campaign troops, she has secured enough delegates to win the nomination and today she is headed to Milwaukee for her first big campaign event. This is so exciting! Democrats are in array! More: Huff Post

Today’s clips
A group of senior Israeli figures including former national security officials, academics and business leaders have sent US congressional leadership a blistering letteraccusing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who is set to speak to Congress on Wednesday, of threatening both Israeli and American national security. More: CNN

Authorities released body camera footage Monday of Sonya Massey's final moments before she was fatally shot by law enforcement at her home in Springfield, Illinois. More: NBC News