Today’s Big Stuff 7.18.24 | JD Vance puts us all to sleep

It’s Thursday. There are 109 days until the general election. Convict night at the RNC, Vance puts us all to sleep and COVID SERIOUSLY ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING?!

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. How in the hell could anyone not right now? 

Note: Sexy Patriots! You’re looking fierce today. Way tougher than Jolly Doodoolick (JD) Vance. Yeah, in fact, lil’ Vance don’t look too tough at all. We know he served in the military so we were pretty shocked to learn he’s a total chickenshit. Yeah, yesterday VP Harris’s team offered up three different dates to debate, and JD said no thanks. Because he’s a chickenshit.

So we finally have a name for Jedediah Dildonoggin (JD) — Pee-Pants Vance. Of course Jedediah Dildonoggin will also work. But what is JD so afraid of? Well probably standing on stage with a woman while she tells the American people the truth about what Pee-Pants and his orange friend want to do to other women in this country. And he should be scared. Because he wants a national abortion ban because he can’t stop women from traveling to get abortions, and that’s a hard thing to defend in a free country. Right now the press is distracted by a crap ton of other news, but eventually they’re going to realize it wasn’t that bright for the guy who overturned Roe v. Wade to put another dude bro on the ticket. Actually, they won’t, but the rest of us can see it. 

So stop being a chickenshit, Pee-Pants Vance. Debate Kamala. Tell the women of America how you really feel about them. We fucking dare you. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Biden-Harris HQ

Note two: Hey so we know emotions are running high these days. At least ours are. But we feel like it’s our job to share this stuff with you because it’s news and not because we endorse it. But since Adam Schiff called for President Biden to drop out yesterday, there have been reports that Nancy Pelosi, Hakeem Jeffries and Chuck Schumer have also told the president he needs to not run. Pelosi is very worried we will lose the House too. More: CNN

Note three: It’s been almost a week since Trump was shot at, and we know nothing about his medical condition. We’re not conspiracy theorists, but we certainly understand the people who are. More: Associated Press

Note four: Hulk Hogan is speaking at the RNC tonight. Same guy who likes to use the n-word. More: Rolling Stone, ABC News

Note five: We know we’re a little biased, but to us it seems like a pretty major scandal that the convict who helped Trump collude with Russia, lied about it and then received a pardon was at the Republican convention yesterday. Maybe we’re just being silly though. More: Vaughn Hillyard

Note six: Silicon Valley bros hate democracy and they are trying to buy the White House. It’s pretty damn unsettling. More: Axios

Note seven: Republican U.S. Senators chased the head of the Secret Service through the convention hall yesterday. They seriously chased her into a bathroom. These people have lost their freaking minds. More: CNN

Note eight: People at the convention are wearing bandages on their ears to look like their orange daddy. It’s so weird. Masks to save lives were an attack on freedom but cosplaying as your favorite fascist asshat is apparently totally cool. More: Huff Post

Note nine: Dark Brandon just announced more student debt relief. It’s crazy how he constantly does stuff to make life better for Americans and the press just yawns. More: CNBC

Note 10: YIKES! Matt Gaetz is such an asshole his whole face is starting to pucker. More: Ron Filipkowski

Note 11: Please don’t be mad at us, but we thought we should pass along that Biden campaign adviser and top Hollywood money man Jeffrey Katzenberg is warning the president that donor money is drying up since the debate. More: Semafor

Note 12: And Axios is reporting this morning that the president could drop out of the race as soon as this weekend. It appears the White House is pushing back hard on that report. More: Axios

Note 13: The guy who tried to kill Trump apparently went after him because the rally was close to his house. According to the FBI, the shooter also looked up Biden, Merrick Garland and Chris Wray. More: NYT

Note 14: Yesterday the Dow Jones passed 41,000 for the first time ever. It’s just stunning how little the political press care. More: Yahoo Finance

Note 15: It’s also stunning how Republicans can boast about mass deportations that will wreck the fabric of this nation and the media is still talking about a new goddamn tone. More: Biden-Harris HQ

Note 16: Peter Navarro kissed his wife on stage last night. It was pretty gross. But everything about him is. More: Associated Press

Note 17: Steve Bannon is still in prison.

Note 18: The Russian foreign minister who Trump gave classified info to while standing in the Oval Office is thrilled that Vance is Trump’s pick. More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just want to share that the Republican convention’s ratings have fallen off a cliff and are down 5 million viewers since 2016. America hates re-runs. More: Axios

Note 20: And for a second Happy Ending, congratulations to the Grateful Dead, Francis Ford Coppola and the amazing Bonnie Raitt on becoming Kennedy Center Honorees. If you’re having a rough morning, just listen to Scarlet Begonias. More: Axios

Note 21: And on that extra note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week and not watching even a second of the Republican convention. We also hope you didn’t have nightmares about Matt Gaetz’s face like we did. We just can’t unsee that shit. Love y’all!

So gross
So last night at the RNC was convict/Russia night. As we mentioned, Peter Navarro was there fresh out of prison, and Paul Manafort was walking the floor. It’s so messed up that the press is basically cheering for all of this instead of talking about how wild it is to have convicted criminals everywhere. Can you imagine the coverage if Democrats tried to pull this shit? Yeah, we can’t either. Maybe instead of joining in on the coronation, our friends in the press should do their damn jobs. More: CNN

Yawn
You know what won’t help the convention’s ratings? Pee-Pants Vance’s super boring speech that put everyone to sleep. Vance, who was picked and groomed by Silicon Valley billionaires like Peter Thiel and Elon Musk, wants Americans to believe that he is a populist who cares about working people. The truth is he is a right-wing extremist, a fraud, a kisser of authoritarian ass and someone who desperately wants to control women. Also he’s a chickenshit who won’t debate VP Harris. More: Associated Press

Sigh
So this was news we sure as hell didn’t need. With President Biden fighting for his political life, he announced yesterday that he has COVID. According to the White House, the president had mild symptoms and he is resting at his home in Delaware. We are sending our best wishes for a speedy recovery. Get well, Mr. President. More: CNBC

Today’s clips
The Securities and Exchange Commission sued the former CEO of the blank-check company that merged with Trump Media, accusing him of lying about his firm’s plans to combine with Donald Trump’s social media startup. More: NBC News

Rudy Giuliani has drained roughly half of the money in a personal bank account in the last week to pay for personal expenses, a court proceeding revealed Wednesday, as he attends the Republican National Convention while being hounded from afar by people to whom he owes millions. More: CNN

John Deere says it will no longer sponsor “social or cultural awareness” events, becoming the latest major US company to distance itself from diversity and inclusion measures after being targeted by conservative backlash. More: CNN