Today’s Big Stuff 7.12.24 | House Republicans fail again

Happy Friday. There are 115 days until the general election. Trump wants his convictions thrown out, House Republicans fail again and Dark Brandon says he ain’t going nowhere.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. How in the hell do other newsletters not? 

Note: Ok so obviously we’ve got some serious crazy town shitnuts stuff to discuss today. But first we want to talk about Trump’s new running mate. Well, we don’t actually want to but we have to because asshead almost killed the last one. So let’s talk about Jalopy Diddledoodiepants (JD) Vance. Sorry. We know he’s been around for a while but we just refuse to look up what JD stands for, especially after he stood for this…

Oof. How humiliating. It gets worse every time you hear it. “JD is kissing my ass he wants my support so much.” What an insanely pathetic man. If he’s willing to humiliate himself like this to gain power, what do you think he’d be ok doing to you and your family? Exactly. 

How do we know JD is looking like the favorite to be Pence 2.0? The same way we know he’s an irredeemable piece of shit — Don Junior is introducing him at the Republican convention next week. Like can you even imagine how big and stank a turd a person has to be in their life to win an introduction from Don goddamn Junior?! Yikes. 

Anyway, here’s hoping the reports are wrong and Jerkface Dickbite (JD) ain’t the pick. And if they are right, then we hope he knows he can kiss our asses too. Y’all have a blessed day. 

Note two: The whole what-does-JD-stand-for schtick is one of our favorite jokes in five years. The only thing that would top would be never having heard of that miserable dingus in the first place.

Note three: Just a quick note to say THANK YOU to everyone who has joined us on Substack. We still have miles to go before we’ll know if this cussing messed up newsletter can survive, but we are deeply touched and damn grateful for the support we’ve gotten so far. Y’all are the freaking best!

Note four: We’ll talk about the press conference in the news section, but we wanted to take a second to talk about how much we loved President Biden’s kind and supportive words of Vice President Kamala Harris. We agree — she is qualified to be president. As long as Joe is in, then we’re with him. But it’s damn heartening to know we have such a strong candidate as a running mate.

Note five: Here’s a headline that any presidential candidate would dream about — “Shuttered auto plants will become EV factories thanks to $1.7 billion Biden program” More: The Verge

Note six: This Biden shot at Trump was pretty strong…

Note seven: “Control guns; not girls” is a damn good line. 

Note eight: Melania is actually going to show up at the Republican convention next week. Which one of Michelle Obama’s speeches do you want her to give? More: ABC News

Note nine: RIP to Shelley Duvall. What a talent. Remember Popeye?! More: Huff Post

Note 10: The L.A. Times editorial board thinks Trump should drop out. We agree. More: LA Times

Note 11: LOL. Look at this dunce running against Sherrod Brown. Where do Republicans find such shitty Senate candidates?

Note 12: So when is Trump going to do an hour-long press conference?

Note 13: The U.S. uncovered a plot by Russian to assassinate a German arms manufacturer. Sounds like an act of war, don’t it? More: NBC News

Note 14: Dick Durbin announced that Senate Judiciary will hold hearings in September about SCOTUS making Trump a king. More: NBC News

Note 15: So this is who Republicans are. Vote accordingly.

Note 16: Sen. Sherrod Brown raised $12.8 million last quarter. That’s huge! And he’s going to need every last penny. Thank you to every single one of y’all busting your ass to help us keep the Senate. More: Axios

Note 17: Trump sure is worried people will think he’s behind Project 2025, which he is. That’s how fucked up Project 2025 is — the guy who attacked the Capitol and overturned Roe is worried it’s too extreme. More: Huff Post

Note 18: It’s pretty crazy that Alec Baldwin is on trial for manslaughter and it’s barely news. What the hell has happened to this country? More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we thank the Simpsons. Many many years ago, the show made a joke about Cypress Hill playing with the London Symphony Orchestra. And now that joke has come true. Thank you to the Simpsons for this and so much more. Huff Post

Note 20: And on that high note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a good week. Or at least not a totally shitty week. Enjoy your weekend and, if you can, do something to save democracy. Love y’all!

ARGHHHHH!!!!
Donald Trump was supposed to be sentenced yesterday. But thanks to a corrupt Supreme Court, he instead filed a motion to have the convictions and the indictment thrown out. Trump’s lawyers are arguing that by using testimony from Trump’s aides, the court overstepped and ran afoul of SCOTUS’s free pass. This is such bullshit. More: ABC News

Losers
You won’t believe this but House Republicans crapped the bed again. Instead of actually doing stuff to help the American people, they spent much of the week on Rep. Anna Paulina Luna’s inherent contempt motion against Merrick Garland. And it failed last night. They also failed to pass the spending bill that funds Congress. Yeah, they’re not great at this stuff. More: Politico, CSPAN

Dark Brandon remains
So despite a couple of slip-ups, Joe Biden did a pretty damn good job at the NATO press conference yesterday, reminding everyone in the White House press that he knows a lot more about this shit than they do. Will it be enough? We have no idea. Hakeem Jeffries said he met with Biden at the White House to discuss the “path forward.” And a new Marist poll out this morning shows Biden leading Trump 50-48 and down 43-42 when third-party candidates are included. More: Associated Press, NPR

Today’s clips
Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi have spoken privately about Joe Biden and the future of his 2024 campaign. Both the former president and ex-speaker expressed concerns about how much harder they think it’s become for the president to beat Donald Trump. Neither is quite sure what to do. More: CNN

Far-right podcaster and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones reportedly hosted a livestream on social media with "Assassinate Biden" in the title, causing the internet to erupt in calls for an investigation. More: Raw Story

Most economists believe inflation, deficits and interest rates would be higher during a second Trump administration than if Biden remains in the White House, according to a quarterly survey of forecasters by The Wall Street Journal. More: WSJ