Time for Senate Democrats to get tough

Today’s Big Stuff. January 13, 2025.

It’s Monday. There are 659 days until the midterm elections. Time for Senate Democrats to get tough, Jellybean Dickface Vance pisses off some traitors and Dark Brandon says farewell.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Because it lives in a country that is going to shit.

Housekeeping note: Some Bluesky links may not work unless you are signed in to Bluesky.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Who’s ready to enjoy this last week of American democracy? We’ve just got a few days left before we’re sold off to freaks for parts, and shit is already getting so strange. For example, over the weekend we found ourselves agreeing with Steve fucking Bannon. Do you know how concerning that is?! It’s like agreeing with, well, Steve Bannon. But when he’s right, he’s right. And he is right to hate Elon Leon Musk, the literal scum of the Earth.

LOL! What an asshole! Can someone please give this nerd a wedgie and ship his dork ass back to South Africa? It’s hard to describe just how infuriating it has been to live in a city that is on fire and watch Republicans all across the country blame it on a Black woman while spreading lies and bullshit instead of just helping. You know who actually has helped fight the fires? Women, Black people, Mexicans, Canadians, prisoners, Navajo. Notice you don’t see the names Musk or Trump or Zuckerberg on that list? That’s because they’re total fucking wimps who aren’t actually good at anything except playing on their goddamn computers and disappointing their AI sex dolls.

We’ve mostly scoffed at the idea that America has a masculinity crisis, but when we see so many young men kissing the asses of these wimps and nerds, we start to agree. Here at TBS, we don’t kiss South African nerd ass. We tell it to fuck off. So on behalf of Los Angeles and decent people everywhere, please eat all the shit and then go to hell, Elon Leon. And take your ugly mom with you. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Btw, this is what that fucking nerd is actually doing to help LA. Pathetic is the word you’re looking for. How the fuck is the Homer Simpson car gonna help anyone?

Note three: Also, here’s that story about Bannon. Don’t worry. We still think he’s a total scum-sucking pig-fucking piece of rancid rat shit. More: The Hill

Note four: Great news, everybody! Melania is bringing back Be Best so at least we get to make fun of her dumb ass again! What a fucking moron! More: The Hill

Note five: Chuck Todd is looking to leave NBC. Congratulations to all seven viewers of NBC. We’re excited to see where Chuck will suck and both-sides everything next. More: Semafor

Note six: Republicans are going to take healthcare away from Americans to pay for tax cuts for Trump and Elon Leon. Maybe we should raise hell about that. More: Politico

Note seven: They’re also going to play games with disaster funding for Los Angeles. The people who live there already know how much Trump hates them, and they are bracing for the worst. This guy can eat a bag of dicks.

Note eight: “Judge” Aileen Cannon is just off the chain these days. She wants a SCOTUS appointment and she’ll set fire to as much of the law as she needs to to get there. More: TPM

Note nine: Jack Smith officially resigned last week. He finished his reports into Trump, and we really believe he did the best he could while dealing with a corrupt Supreme Court and a chickenshit AG. More: CNBC

Note 10: Remember how Trump was going to end the illegal Russian war against Ukraine the day he got elected? Well that was just another fucking lie. We know you’re shocked. More: HuffPost

Note 11: How much does the Washington Post suck now? They endorsed election denier Pam Bondi to be Attorney General. What a fucking joke of a newspaper. More: Rolling Stone

Note 12: Btw, the paper’s owner is a total bitch weasel. He can’t even get it up!

Note 13: Marjorie Taylor Greene was seriously asking why we aren’t using “cloud seeding to bring rain down on the wildfires in California?” It’s like she doesn’t understand why we use the Jewish Space Lasers in the first place. More: Yahoo News

Note 14: This is important. It took a century, but DOJ has investigated and revealed its findings into the Tulsa race massacre. It is a heartbreaking and infuriating read and seems all too possible in Trump’s America. More: ABC News

Note 15: Trump really enjoyed his meeting with John Fettermanchin, who we’d like to formally invite to kiss our asses too. We are so sick of getting this fuckers elected just so they can sell us out. Hope that pat on the head was worth it, asshole. More: The Hill

Note 16: Trump’s incoming White House counsel was heaping praise on an accused rapist and human trafficker last week. It was so fucking bad that even Trump fans were pissed. And they love rapists! More: Yahoo News

Note 17: The broken and corrupt Supreme Court is going to fuck with Obamacare again. Congrats again to everyone who stayed home or voted third party in 2016 because the courts didn’t matter. Morons. More: Associated Press

Note 18: Doodie Pooliani was held in contempt of court last week. Again. It really sucks what’s happening in this country, but damn it’s fun watching Gargamel get what he deserves. Trump tweeting “SAVE RUDY” just makes it even more pathetic and hilarious. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to thank the helpers who have put it all on the line to save Los Angeles. It’s way better than being a lying divisive fuckhead.

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely weekend and that the coming week doesn’t suck butt too much. And if it does, just remember that it could be worse and you could be the world’s richest asshole. Love y’all!

Go time
It’s no secret that we’ve been furious by the weak posture of some Senate Democrats. This is the week they need to start stepping up as confirmation hearings start for Trump’s nominees. Pete Hegseth is definitely at the top of our scumbag list, as there’s no way a drunken and credibly accused sexual assaulter who hates women in the military and loves war criminals should be leading the Pentagon. Fortunately, we have some actual fighters like Elizabeth Warren, Mazie Hirono and Tammy Duckworth on the Armed Services committee. There are also hearings for dog-killer Kristi Noem, made-up person Doug Burnum and Pam Bondi. Let’s see what you’re made of, Democrats. More: The Hill

Just Disgraceful (JD)
Jupiter Dicklips (JD) Vance is in hot water with some real dirtbags. Vance, emerging from months of couch-fucking solitude, went on a Sunday show yesterday and raised doubts about whether Trump will pardon the Jan. 6 garbage who assaulted police officers. That led the garbage to cry and scream about how they were being betrayed and Vance started backtracking and kissing domestic terrorist ass. When Trump pardons these dirtbags, we need to make him pay a political price. Otherwise what the hell are we even doing here? More: Associated Press

Bye-bye Brandon
President Joe Biden is set to deliver his farewell address to the nation from the Oval Office this Wednesday night. Biden has a record he can sure be proud of, and we’re happy to see that he’s going to say goodbye to the American people like this. If we weren’t all so angry and scared shitless about what’s coming next, Biden’s accomplishments would be worthy of a long and boisterous celebration. That said, he has earned this moment and we will be tuning in. More: CBS News

Today’s clips
Veteran opinion columnist Jennifer Rubin is becoming the latest in a long list of Washington Post figures to leave the troubled institution. More: CNN

California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) on Saturday called on President-elect Donald Trump to accept his invitation to visit Los Angeles as wildfires continue to wreak havoc on the city. More: Huff Post

The post-Election Day rally in stock prices is fading amid forecasts that the Federal Reserve will not lower interest rates as much as expected. More: NBC News

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy said the country has offered its assistance in combating the Los Angeles wildfires, despite being in the midst of their war with Russia. More: NBC News